Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something...

I read this today...

"The race always hurts.  Expect it to hurt.  You don't train so that it doesn't hurt.  You train so you can tolerate it."

Since I ran my 7th half marathon less than two weeks ago, it really caught my attention.

I had trained the very least for this race.  Since I began running when Little Man was a baby, I've always been crazy about training schedules.  I would rather not run at all than run unprepared.  But I realized today, that in the back of my mind, I always expected to be able to train enough that it didn't hurt anymore.  Which I realize now, is silly.

Because when I thought about it, the training hasn't been without it's own challenges.  Aches and pains.  Exhaustion.  Stress fractures.  Sickness.

And not long ago, full marathon training that was interrupted by my son's cancer diagnosis.

But my run last week was relatively enjoyable.  I'm not denying some discomfort.  Or even a desire to quit around mile 11 and 12.  But honestly, it was so much less painful than I expected, considering the training I thought I hadn't done.

Turns out, consistent cross-training and faithful shorter runs over YEARS time ended up being enough to get me to the finish line.  So really, I HAD trained.  Just in a different way.

As usual, running continues to provide so many parallels to life.

Even though many of us willingly train for physical challenges, it's harder to think about training for the trials of life.  But whether or not you do it intentionally, we all are doing just that.  When we respond to small irritations or inconveniences, we practice for facing the things that stop us in our tracks.

The Coach and I never had a plan for how we'd respond to tragedy in our family.  But in our 24 years of marriage, we've trained in countless ways.  Dealing with sick kids, financial stress, accidents, surgeries, disappointments, kids who struggled emotionally or physically.

He's gotten up early to study God's Word, even when he's been exhausted.  I've prayed even when I haven't felt like it.  We've worshipped in spite of our hearts feeling cold (or just so very tired).  Discipline and long term habits, built in the calmness, become your default when life gets tough.

For so many years, I thought that the struggles were because we'd messed up in some way.  And if we could only figure out the right schedule or diagnosis or communication... the struggles would cease.  The lie in this thinking was that struggles were caused by mistakes, not by life in general.

But God's Word tells us that the trials are not always because we've done something dumb.  Of course sometimes they are.  I like how Tommy Nelson says, "Life is hard enough. Don't be stupid." But more often, it's just part of living with other humans in a fallen world... in bodies that have yet to see the redemption that our souls can receive through Christ.

I can't say that we have responded perfectly to every horrifying moment we've been through with our sweet son, who is still in cancer treatment (although PRAISE GOD for continued remission).  But I'm reminded once again, the PAIN isn't a sign that we haven't trained.  The PAIN is a sign that we're alive.  And by God's grace, we can endure the pain.

We train ourselves to depend on...
His strength.
His goodness.
His patience.
His love.
His mercy.
His faithfulness.

It doesn't make the pain go away.  But it give us the ability to bear up under it.

Depend on the Lord today in the little things.  Good and bad.  Easy and hard.  Use your "faith muscles", so they'll be ready for what comes next.  The pain doesn't mean you're a failure and it can't always be fixed, but it DOES give you an opportunity to trust the Lord and glorify Him in all that He allows in your life.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  James 1:2-4

Two Years

Sunday, January 27th, was the 2 year anniversary of our son's cancer diagnosis - on homecoming night at our school.  It wasn't sure last year that I would even GO to homecoming, the memories are excruciating.  But I did.  And I went this year, too.  These are huge milestones for us, but they also bring back so many difficult emotions and losses.

Life is HARD, ya'll.  So hard.  But the hard we've had this last two years, especially, has made me so very AWARE of the beautiful and the lovely and the special.  It's given me the gift of appreciating normal, boring days... and time with my people.

Our troops experienced one of those beautiful gifts in our son's wedding on January 6th.  It was lovely and intentional and worshipful and precious.  To see him and his beautiful bride so happy, to rejoice in God's provision, and to be thankful for how we LOVE her and are so thankful for God's providential hand in their relationship.  So many good gifts.

I cried the whole day.  They weren't sad tears - they were grateful tears.  When you know that this life is so short - that at any moment it can all change - that every day together is a gift - then these moments, sharing their special day and having ALL of of my troops there with us, it was overwhelming.  I know we aren't promised those moments.  I treasure them.

So Son #1 is off with his beautiful wife in SC, starting his first, post-degree, real life JOB.  Daughter #2 just started her last semester of nursing school and took an offer for her dream job, post-graduation.  Son #3 is trucking along with his chemo (two years of chemo - so awful, but God has been so very good to him) and started back to finish off his Sophomore semester.  Son #4 finished up his senior season of football and is hitting the 3's on the court like a boss - college visits and summer plans.  The three girls are playing basketball and tackling the tons of homework - so so busy. These high school years FLY and we are trying so hard to enjoy them.  Little Man?  Well, he's still the adult of the house - playing basketball and moving through 5th grade like a pro.

Two years of cancer treatment added onto LIFE and parenting and the daily grind has been exhausting.  We are weary.  Some weeks I can't believe we've kept going this long.  Other weeks it seems like it's all OK.  I guess it's both.  It WILL all be OK - even if not this side of heaven.

I'm more aware than ever how little control we have over our lives.  I set out to change some bad habits that have formed in the last two years (Diet DP anyone?) a few weeks ago.  I'm not much for New Years resolutions, but I have felt that conviction to get back at it, lately.  February resolutions, maybe?  More purposeful time in the Word, praying daily for my coach, eating less refined sugar, drinking more water, deleted Facebook off my phone... you know.  The usual.

So far the only success I've had has been with giving up Diet DP.  At least it's going well, today.  As for the other things?  Well, we all got sick.  Sinus infections, colds, and a few random low fevers that resolved on their own.

Do you ever feel that way?  That as soon as you set out to work harder and do better... life lays you out flat. Like life has a way of saying, "Oh really?"  I'm determined to not let it get me down.  Each day I have another opportunity to tackle better habits and feel their consequences AND benefits.  Sometimes I'd rather just do the easy thing.  Honestly MOST of the time I'd rather do the easy thing.  But after TWO years of just sort of surviving, I'm paying for it.  And it's time.

So each day?  Is a gift with the people you love.  Full of normal life and special moments and JOY.  And each day is also an opportunity to take care of ourselves and those we love.  Knowing fully that we don't control much.  But even that is a gift, isn't it?  GOD, Sovereign and full of Grace.

I pray every chemo week, "Come Lord, Jesus."  But as long as I'm here, I will purpose to trust Him for all of it.  And be thankful that HE is in control.  So thankful.  And pass the tissues.  ((sniff))

I've anchored my soul on this for the last two years...

Romans 8:35-39
Who shall separate us from the LOVE of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?
As it is written, For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.
No, IN ALL THESE THINGS we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I AM SURE that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, not ANYTHING ELSE in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

And THAT, my friend, includes whatever you are facing today.  Whatever it is?  NONE of it will change God's LOVE for you.  He's in control, He loves you, and you can trust Him.

Sharing Comfort

We've all seen them.  The articles about what NOT to say to someone in a difficult circumstance.  They can be helpful.  We should weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.  We need to be thoughtful about this and show empathy.

But these articles kind of annoy me, too.  Can't we just assume that people are doing their best?  That maybe they don't know WHAT to say?  I've been there, myself.  And we had friends who completely disappeared when our boy got sick.  It's OK.  I understand.  I hope I'm not quick to assume malice.  Whether someone tries and fails to be compassionate or doesn't try at all... I hope I can offer grace.  I've needed it so often, myself.

Even now, we're not able to do hospital visits quite yet.  I hope someday we can, again.  But right now it's just too hard.  I need those that I love to extend grace to us for that.  We are still healing in so many places.  It doesn't seem to happen on my timeline.

Sometimes our tendency can be to try to "out do" someone's suffering.  In my case, I've had people comment that their situation is hard, but having a kid with cancer  (like me) is harder.  Even hesitating to confide in me, because they feel like their difficulty isn't important enough. 

Or in the reverse, I've had others say, well, your son has cancer, but at least it's not ___.  And trust me, I'm aware that there are MUCH harder things.

But both perspectives make me cringe. 

It's not a competition, is it?  Your hard versus my hard?  Which is worse? 

Yikes.

Our suffering here on earth counts for something.  I think we all long to know this.  That our suffering isn't in vain and it has value in eternity. Some losses can't be redeemed this side of heaven.  How my heart ACHES for my son's suffering to be redeemed.  For his losses to be restored.  For the ashes of his dreams for the future to be turned to beauty.  Our human hearts need to know that redemption is possible.  And because of Jesus, it is.

Hope is not found in having people understand our suffering or offer us comfort in the way we'd like it to be offered.  We're all human.  Let's extend grace and trust that everyone is trying in their own way.  You know who DOES understand all of our suffering?  Not your BFF (and I have some amazing friends!), your spouse, your kids, your pastor... JESUS.  He's endured ALL things.  ALL.  Go to Him for the comfort you long for and then turn and extend grace to everyone else.

Hope is not found in our circumstances HERE... it's that these earthly sufferings will pale in comparison to the heavenly GLORY for all of eternity.  Wow!

Do I want my son to be healed?  Of course.  Do we give God the glory for each and every healthy day we have together?  Absolutely.  But no matter what the future holds, God is still good and God is still faithful.  Because we have that eternal hope of glory. 

I needed the reminder today, to show compassion and empathy and tenderness to those around me.  Maybe even more so over the Christmas season.  Everyone is carrying a burden of some sort.  You can count on it.

We've found God sufficient in our suffering at the troops.  I can say with confidence that He will be sufficient in your trials, as well.  No matter what they are.  No matter whose hard is harder.

And I'm just saying, if it comes down to how much laundry you have and how tired you are?  I'm going to win that one.  Haha!

"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ."

Every Day a Gift

We've been trying to find a balance here lately, between celebrating ALL THE THINGS and doing ALL THE THINGS and not completely exhausting ourselves. I don't think we've succeeded.  But when you have to deal with the reality of a serious medical diagnosis, you can't help but want to make every day a celebration of the gift of life.  The gift of family.  The gift of people and health and love and beauty.  

On the one hand, I can't tell the kids, no we don't have the time or energy for that right now.  Because I know life can change in ONE second.  But on the other hand, we're tired.

Volleyball was fast and furious and was over in two seconds.  Football season (glory be!) is still going.  We're deep into the playoffs this week and the Coach is eating sleeping breathing film, defensive schemes and practices.  We love our football at the troops and we adore our senior wide receiver even more.  But the Coach is my favorite and it's been a delight to see his success.  

Basketball has begun for the younger four and I'm so very thankful the older two girls can get themselves to and from practice and scrimmages and I just have the 8th grade and 5th grade games to figure out.  Once football is over, I'll have more help from the Coach, but he's swamped right now.

Even though three college kids (one graduating in two weeks!), a wedding in January, a highschool senior, two more highschool girls, a jr high girl and a fifth grader - along with another college graduation coming in May -  keep us pretty busy, the Coach just went back to school, as well.  (Can you hear my laughter?)  He's begun work on his masters degree.  It's needed to happen for way too long and we decided now is the time.  I'm already (5 weeks in! Ha!) telling myself, "It's only 22 months.  It's only 22 months."  I very much want to help and support him in anyway I can.  So that means helping out with things he usually manages so capably.  

In the midst of it all, the continuing treatments for our boy (about nine months to go!), ongoing tests and doctor's appointments, his involvement in school and plays (so fun!), along with the busy holiday schedules and so much planning to do for the coming weeks...

The Lord is our Rock.  He is our helper, our defender, our strength and the GOOD that we enjoy in each day.  Every bit of THIS.  The beauty and the hard... they are all HIS GOOD GIFTS. 

And rest is a gift, as well.  We're still learning how to make that work.  To be thankful for each day and see it as a gift... we've learned a lot, but we still have so much to learn.  God is so patient with us.  His love endures forever.  No matter what tomorrow holds, we don't have to walk through it without the grace and strength of the Lord.  

Seasons

The front porch called to me and my cup on coffee (heavy on the non-fat milk) after my run this morning.  It often does.  I rarely answer.  There is always work to be done, errands to be crossed off, chores around the house.

But today is the last full day of school for my five youngest troops.  In two more half days, we'll be heading into summer and my quieter days at home will end for another season.  I'm ready to have them home and enjoy some more time together.  I'll miss my quiet days alone, as well - to be honest. Between sports camps, VBS, Summer jobs, vacation in Colorado and mission trips, it won't be quiet or restful!  But it's all such a gift.

The college kids have been finished for awhile, now.  All did SO well this semester.  One off to Nashville to work for the Summer and be near his girl.  One living here and working as a nanny again, between weddings and a trip to Africa.  And our son #3, who started the semester living away and finished it back at home - with lots of driving AND straight A's.

I'm so proud of them.

I'm learning that we all have obstacles and things to overcome in life.  I've watched my troops tackle them differently.  Some with determined, careful thoughtfulness.  Others hurling themselves headlong into whatever gets in their way.  Regardless of method, they've all been over-comers this past year.  Growing in their dependence on the Lord and learning to trust Him more.  Stumbling along the way at times, but getting back up and trying again.

So Summer is upon us.  We certainly pray it's less eventful than last Summer - even with this Summer's bi-weekly labs, monthly doctors appointments, and monthly chemo infusions for our boy.  We pray that the Lord would continue to heal him - that perhaps NEXT Summer we'll see the end of this current treatment schedule, as well.

But then if we've begun to learn anything at all, it's to breathe in the moment - the day - the season.  To enjoy it all and be grateful in our circumstances.  The Coach and I are so much better at taking a deep breath and not reacting in frustration or anger.  We're laughing and hugging and saying "I love you," more.  We are feeling less guilty about staying home (ha!) and more purposeful in the time we have together.

The Coach has a habit of saying to my overwhelmed ramblings, "It'll get done."  And so often, I have been tempted to say, "Only because I will do it!"  But I find myself more often these days saying, "You're right.  It will."  And I say that because I've lived it.  Some things may be on the list from now until the rapture - and that's OK.  Other things will be accomplished in due time.  Many will be delegated to the troops or picked up by the Coach.  But what difference does any of it make, if it's all about accomplishing things and we miss the joy in each day?

So on this last full day of the 2017-2018 school year - a reminder for us to soak it all in and enjoy each moment with the people God has given you.  He'll be faithful to you and He'll be faithful to THEM.  Every day is a gift.  <3 p="">
Happy Summer!

All is Well

Last night I went to the Michael W. Smith Christmas concert, also featuring Jordan Smith (recent winner of "The Voice").  The music was heavenly, the singing that of angels, and the company of sweet friends made it even more of a treasure.

It took one friend to take Little Man home with her, then to practice.  Another friend to bring the girls home from their practice.  And the Coach getting another girl home from school and picking Little Man up after his practice.  Just for me to have the night off.  I'm so thankful for all of the help so I could go!

I sat there, overwhelmed with the beauty.  And the joy in my heart.  Things are GOOD with our troops right now.  Busy, happy, healthy.  I'm so thankful.  But this joy in my heart is deeper than that. It's that joy that comes after you've come through the valley of the shadow of death and FOUND JOY THERE.  Not the joy that only comes after a trial (although I admit how amazing it is to be on the other side!).  But the deeper joy that comes when you realize that no matter what happens, peace and joy can still fill your heart.

On my one side?  A dear friend who has been caring for her mother that recently suffered a stroke.  The all encompassing work and heart ache and exhaustion to watch someone you love so dearly suffer so deeply.  All while caring for her own family and a recently empty nest and her baby in college far away.

On the other side?  Another precious friend whose husband is suffering greatly from a degenerative illness that allows for very little rest and recuperation for either of them or their family.  Also with a newly empty nest and a young college student.

I sat there between them, thinking of this past year at the troops, the heart ache and suffering that my boy has experienced.  How we are still exhausted and the tears still fall when we least expect them.  How I wonder every day what the long-term scars will be  - not only for my boy, but for the other troops and the Coach and I.

And yet.

The three of us sitting there with that music washing over us, are really just like all of mankind for all time.  Each one of us having our own physical trials and emotional heart ache and pain.  We all have pain.  Of some sort, at some time.  Some sweet friends I pray for daily have had a lifetime of it.

I don't understand why.  I never will.  It doesn't make sense to me at all.  Our kind and wise teacher not recovering from his bone marrow transplant, leaving his kids and grand babies without their Pop.  Our volleyball coach's wife (and my dear friend) leaving her family and this earth at a time that was certainly way too soon for her husband and her seven children.  Babies who have physical challenges that can't be overcome this side of eternity.  So much loss and suffering.

I don't have to understand.

It's enough to know that All is Well.  Not because my circumstances are "well" or because my life is easy and uncomplicated and pain-free.  All is well because we have Immanuel.  God with us.

He's with us today, when the house is decorated for Christmas and we have basketball games to look forward to.  As we celebrate Advent and have our kids home with us and enjoy time with our families.

He's with us tomorrow in the unknown, the fears, the uncertainly, that defines life on this earth.

He's Immanuel.  God with us.  And all is well.  

"All Is Well"

All is well all is well 

Angels and men rejoice 

For tonight darkness fell 

Into the dawn of love's light 

Sing A-le 

Sing Alleluia 

All is well all is well

Let there be peace on earth 

Christ is come go and tell 

That He is in the manger 

Sing A-le 

Sing Alleluia 

All is well all is well 

Lift up your voice and sing 

Born is now Emmanuel 

Born is our Lord and Savior 

Sing Alleluia 

Sing Alleluia 

All is well

by Wayne Kirkpatrick, Michael W. Smith

Practicing Thankfulness

We're doing really well at the troops.

School is going well.  Everyone has passing grades (haha!).  Not to make light of academic struggles, but the troops got their daddy's smarts.  We may miss an assignment now and then or not get AR points for the 9 weeks (because this momma has kind of given up at this point), but they are bright.  I'm thankful.

We survived volleyball season.  The Coach and our football team made it to the playoffs.  Basketball practice has started for the girls and Little Man had his first game of the season on Saturday.  It goes so fast and I want to enjoy it all.

The house isn't being worked on all day every day, anymore.  We still need curtains in the "library" and dining room, but I've decided I'm done making decisions.  I'll get to them, eventually.  And someday maybe those pictures of the fun projects.  The bookcases are AMAZING.  So thankful.

The college kids are finishing up second semester of Junior year (engineering)/first semester of Junior year (nursing)/first semester of Freshman year (math education).  And doing SO well.  Another year from now we'll be getting ready for more graduations.

I'm so thankful for it all.

For the fact that God has been with us this past year as we've walked through so much.  He's been so faithful.

But if I were to be truly honest...
((and if you know me, you know I have to be))

There is still a lot to be worked through, processed, and dealt with around here.  And sometimes it all creeps up on me and I feel slightly incapacitated and very much less like dealing with daily life.  Think couch/netflix/chocolate, while the puppy sleeps at my feet.  Not that I have time for that, but a girl can dream.

Life is GOOD and we are so grateful.

And when I'm tired and cranky and overwhelmed with it all, I need to practice thankfulness and remember that.  Every day is such a gift.

So here's my list for today:

1.  A patient (extremely patient) husband, who can tell when I've had it with the 10 year old, the dog,  the laundry, and the dog stealing the laundry.

2.  Books.  So I can escape, learn, or just fall asleep reading.  I never want to stop learning.

3.  Our kids.  Who make me laugh and cry and sometimes both at the same time.  They are sweet and funny and sarcastic and smart and athletic and everything I would have wanted to be when I was a teenager.  They are the best.  Even if I have to drive to Alva to watch one of them play football on Friday in the cold.

4.  Our home.  I don't like to get out in the cold, but I sure like to stay home in it.  With the fire and hot tea and blankets and my slippers.  The best.

5.  Amazon Prime.  Because #4.

6.  Doctors and medicine and clinics and hospitals and nurses and the way God uses them every. single. day.  Because my boy is here and healthy and whole and I'm so so thankful.

7.  My new car.  Even if it already has a dent.  It smells nice and drives smoothly and everything works.  Amazing.  And I guess we can only have a car without a dent for a few weeks and that's ok.  I'll keep the kids, anyway.

8.  Soup and chili and hot cocoa and cider and fireplaces.  And trees turning colors and cool breezes and a yard full of leaves (even if they have to be raked).

9.  Friends.  To drink coffee with, laugh and cry with, do life with.  Who remind me that God is faithful and that I can always trust Him.

I'm feeling better already.

What are you thankful for, today??