When we first began this cancer journey, it was all consuming. I couldn't think of anything else or make any decisions or honestly... stop crying.
As the days have passed, I've been amazed by the capacity of the human heart to continue living with such heart ache. But we do. We get up every day (some days more easily than others) and do what needs to be done. At times, I'm never sure exactly how. But by God's grace.
Now that we are heading into six months of this, our daily lives have somewhat resumed. We are home. The kids are out of school for the Summer. Mission trips and jobs, workouts and summer league games. We're back at it.
And yet, our boy still has cancer.
It's like straddling over the border between two worlds. One foot? It's in the normal world. Our marriage, our home, our kids. Life is still moving on. Laundry has to be done and meals made and dishes washed and groceries bought and floors vacuumed. Just normal stuff.
The other foot is in the cancer fight with our boy. He's not living in that normal world right now. His world is filled with pain and weakness and chemo and blood draws and piles of daily meds. Every now and then he ventures into the normal world with a visit to a friend's house or a walk in the neighborhood or a drive to his grandparents. But his trips out are short and infrequent. Mostly he stays put in the cancer world.
Although I hover between the two? I have to move from one to the other throughout every day. When we have appointments or treatments or when he's really sick, I'm in cancer world. When he feels good and ventures into normal world, I join him there. When the Coach or a friend enters his world for a time, sometimes I can step more fully into normal with the troops or a friend for a bit and spend some time.
Most of the time I'm stranded between the two. Knowing that life moves on all around us, but in cancer world it's different. We don't know what the future will look like, or how long it will take, but it's our first and most important job right now. Getting our boy well. Caring for him in whatever way he needs.
I don't ask or expect anyone else in our journey to live between these two worlds. The Coach joins our boy and I - any time we need him to. He's been amazing and strong and PRESENT. I couldn't be more thankful for him. But he can't live in the cancer world. He has his work and responsibility and although we have him whenever we need him, he comes and goes. The troops visit, as well. Coming to appointments or treatments or hanging with their brother in his room when he's not feeling well. They've been amazing, too. But they can't live there - their lives have to keep on keeping on. We've been blessed with a few precious friends whom our boy will allow to join him in his world, as well. I can't say what a gift that is... it's more important than I ever thought possible. Having friends means so much. Not everyone is willing to step inside his world, but those who do are precious to us.
Maybe the hardest part of all, is that none of us can really live fully where he is right now. I can be there a lot, I can straddle that line, I can make him my top priority, but I can't do it for him. I can't feel what he's feeling and fight the battles he faces or take his place.
My ability to care for and walk with and encourage my boy wouldn't give me much hope. I'm just his momma. He's an adult. The pain and fears and struggles he faces are so far beyond anything I could ever make better.
PRAISE THE LIVING LORD that even when we aren't with him, His loving Savior is. Always. Going before, preparing the way, and walking not just with us, but with HIM. Every moment giving him strength and grace and peace. Things I can't give him. No one else can. But God keeps His promises. And He has promised to never leave or forsake us. He's promised that all things work for good. He's promised that He has a plan for us and it's always good. He's promised that nothing can take us out of His hand. He's promised that nothing can separate us form His love. He's promised that He is with us always.
So my hope in this journey isn't my ability to be a good momma and try to meet every need my precious son has. Although you'll find me making those trips to get that one food that sounds good to him, or sitting with him while he sleeps, or reading aloud CS Lewis (even if it's in the middle of the book and I'm completely confused!)... flushing PICC lines, changing sheets, making smoothies, doing everything I can to make this hard thing easier.
My source of hope, for him and for ALL of my troops, is knowing that they have the Sovereign Lord and King of Kings as their own Loving Father to walk with them in the trials of life. Being ever present in whatever world they are living in. I won't ever been able to do that for them.
But with Jesus, they have all they need. So thankful they all belong to Him.