Six months since the diagnosis, the Coach and I feel like it's been years and yet it's also flown by. In some ways, it feels like it's all we've ever known. But then it also feels a bit like a dream... no... more like a nightmare.
We've learned that although the physical battle is hard - so hard (I hate watching my boy suffer!) - the mental battle is harder. The constant struggle to take thoughts captive, to not let our minds go places they shouldn't, to camp out on God's promises when discouragement takes hold. To not allow the "what if's" to rule us.
The future is unknown. Fear is a natural response. We like to be in control and we like to expect certain outcomes. We like to put in the work and get the reward. If only it were that simple.
Will the next round of scans be clear?
Will the cancer still be there?
Will he need a bone marrow transplant?
Will it come back in months or years?
Will he be able to live as a healthy adult?
Will he have a chance to marry? To have children?
We don't have the answers to any of these questions. And sometimes, in the dark of night, they haunt us.
God promises to be faithful. He promises that whatever we have to walk through, He will be with us.
He doesn't promise any of those ^^ other things.
Cancer only SHOWED us the unknown. Made us aware of the uncertainty. Because the reality is, we've never known what the future holds for us OR our troops.
We want to believe that if our kids are healthy and not *too* stupid and can work hard... that the future holds all of the good things for them. That we'll see good come from the hard in this life. That if we raise them right and feed them healthy food and protect the from evil and prepare them for the world...
But we don't have that promise. We don't know what's coming today or tomorrow or next week or 10 years from now. We plan, we prepare, we TRUST an all knowing and sovereign God to go with us into the unknown. But there are no guarantees. Especially that they won't be stupid (because KIDS forheavenssake). After all, I'm still pretty stupid sometimes at 44.
In my momma's heart, I want to be able to tell them that life holds all the good things for them. I SO badly want to.
But I can't promise them that.
You know what I CAN promise them? That the glory of heaven will make our earthly suffering seem so small. That God will always be faithful no matter what. NO. MATTER. WHAT. That God is big enough for the pain, the heart ache, all of the hard of this life, and HE is enough.
Those what if's that beckon in the night? They are part of our life right now. We can stuff them. Or we can lay them at the feet of Jesus and trust Him to carry them all for us.
We don't know. We don't know what life holds for any of us.
But we can trust the One who does. He loves us so much. Oh to trust Him more.
Come Lord Jesus.