The club I want out of…

I'm part of a club.  It's not a fun club, we don't read books together or share coffee.  We don't even see each other very often.  We mostly text and message.  I don't know about the other members, but most of my tears on their behalf are when I'm alone.

We help each other with managing our kids' pain and nausea.  We share doctor's names and hospital tips.  We share clinic experiences and how to get through another day.  We talk about PICC vs. port. Sounds fun, right?

I didn't turn in an application to be in this club.  My membership didn't have to be approved.  I didn't even WANT to be in this club, but no one even asked me.  How rude!  In fact, I've tried countless times to get kicked out.  

Can I be honest?  Some days I’ve wanted to ignore those texts and messages.  Some days, I've felt like saying no.  I can't do it. Not one more.  Nope.

Mostly though?  I've been blessed by this club.  Not because it's fun or entertaining... in fact, it's one of the hardest things I've done.  But it's not outside of God's providence that I'm a member.  And He has an amazing way of working all things for our good and His glory.  I can be thankful for THAT - even if I'm still trying to find a way to get out of this club.

Today I watched another member of this club say goodbye for now to her precious son.  I watched online.  I'll admit, I didn't go because I'm tired of crying.  I'm tired of trying NOT to cry.  I am OH SO TIRED of funerals.  

The good news?  This world may be full of death and dying, but because of JESUS we have eternal hope for redemption, salvation, NEW bodies (we won't be sick, anymore!), a heavenly home, and the presence of Christ.  Forever.

I can't fix the death and dying here on earth.  I can't eat well enough, or drink enough water, or exercise my way out of it.  We're all headed for the same end.  My boy?  He's healthy and strong.  Today.  My friend's boy (and so many others!)?  Is already in heaven with Jesus.  It's heart-breaking, but it's reality.  You don't have to live long to know this truth.  This life doesn't last.

SO MANY of you are in this club with me.  You know who you are.  We all hate it.  We all want out.  We all want our kids to be healed here on earth and cancer free for the rest of their lives.  We beg God for it and sometimes we get the answer we so desperately want.  Sometimes... we don't.

It's not the only club no one wants to be in.  I get that.  I have so many friends who are widows.  So many who have buried their children.  So many with chronic illness.  No one wants to be those clubs, either.  But here we are.  

I may hate this club with all that is in me.  But I'll still answer the phone, read and answer your text or message, and PRAY for your child, your friend's child, your family member, your friend.  I'll grieve with you when the hard days come, the diagnosis, the admissions, even if you face the unthinkable.  Because I'm in the cancer mom club.  It's what we do.