Reading a post on Instagram today, I was reminded of how I used to crawl into bed at night and ask the Coach, "We'll make it, right?" The first year our son was fighting cancer, I quit asking. It became harder to ask and the answer might not have been what I wanted to hear.
But I'm still thinking it. So often, I'm thinking it. I want security and safety and I want things to stay enough the same that they feel comfortable to me.
How unfortunate for me that life isn't like that AT ALL. Ha! Not much about life (especially with 16 of us, now) is secure. It's definitely not safe! If I wanted safety, I shouldn't have married or had eight kids to begin with. And honestly? No one is promised any of those things. They say the only things we can be sure of are death and taxes. But there's one more thing you're guaranteed in this life... change.
I went down a rabbit trail reading old posts. I miss writing here. I miss the funny things the kids did that prompted the writings. The days at home with little ones who needed me. The laundry (well, we still seem to keep the baskets bizarrely full with just four of us), the endless meals and school projects and basketball games and dishes. For the first time since roughly 2004? We don't have a basketball player in the house. Sad.
I miss it all because it meant my people were all here. My people. In their noisy, messy chaos. And I loved it. And in spite of my many failings? I was good at managing it all. I didn't see that THEN, of course. It felt wildly out of control. But it was relatively... well... amazing. And I thrived there.
This season has it wonder and delights, as well. No doubt about it! Being Marmee is the joy of my life, currently. I adore those babies and I'm so blessed to have flexibility to be a part of their sweet little lives. God gives the best gifts.
But for the most part, it's quiet here, now. I look back, read those posts and think how I loved those days being their momma. I've loved watching them grow up, too. I've loved watching them one by one as they've found their person and started lives on their own. It's beautiful.
But it's a lot of change. And it's happened so fast.
I guess that's what I'm thinking tonight. In the end? We've made it. Not that we don't have lots of life left (those grandsons are the best!), but we've survived the parenting season, for the most part. The two who are left might be pushing us to the limits? But we're old and seasoned and it takes a lot to rattle us at this point. My money is on the Coach and me. We'll make it.
If I could have understood - in those days when all of the kids had the flu at once - how fast it would go? If I could have seen that it was just a breath - and I'd look back years later - and miss it? That I would be laughing at some of the things that were making me cry, at the time?
Probably wouldn't have made it any easier, honestly.
But from this end? I'm so thankful. So so thankful. For all of it. What sweet days and what sweet memories. Even the hard ones.
No matter where you are in YOUR journey? Home with little ones or sitting in the quiet empty nest? You'll make it, too. God is good and God is faithful. You can trust Him.
