The club I want out of…

I'm part of a club.  It's not a fun club, we don't read books together or share coffee.  We don't even see each other very often.  We mostly text and message.  I don't know about the other members, but most of my tears on their behalf are when I'm alone.

We help each other with managing our kids' pain and nausea.  We share doctor's names and hospital tips.  We share clinic experiences and how to get through another day.  We talk about PICC vs. port. Sounds fun, right?

I didn't turn in an application to be in this club.  My membership didn't have to be approved.  I didn't even WANT to be in this club, but no one even asked me.  How rude!  In fact, I've tried countless times to get kicked out.  

Can I be honest?  Some days I’ve wanted to ignore those texts and messages.  Some days, I've felt like saying no.  I can't do it. Not one more.  Nope.

Mostly though?  I've been blessed by this club.  Not because it's fun or entertaining... in fact, it's one of the hardest things I've done.  But it's not outside of God's providence that I'm a member.  And He has an amazing way of working all things for our good and His glory.  I can be thankful for THAT - even if I'm still trying to find a way to get out of this club.

Today I watched another member of this club say goodbye for now to her precious son.  I watched online.  I'll admit, I didn't go because I'm tired of crying.  I'm tired of trying NOT to cry.  I am OH SO TIRED of funerals.  

The good news?  This world may be full of death and dying, but because of JESUS we have eternal hope for redemption, salvation, NEW bodies (we won't be sick, anymore!), a heavenly home, and the presence of Christ.  Forever.

I can't fix the death and dying here on earth.  I can't eat well enough, or drink enough water, or exercise my way out of it.  We're all headed for the same end.  My boy?  He's healthy and strong.  Today.  My friend's boy (and so many others!)?  Is already in heaven with Jesus.  It's heart-breaking, but it's reality.  You don't have to live long to know this truth.  This life doesn't last.

SO MANY of you are in this club with me.  You know who you are.  We all hate it.  We all want out.  We all want our kids to be healed here on earth and cancer free for the rest of their lives.  We beg God for it and sometimes we get the answer we so desperately want.  Sometimes... we don't.

It's not the only club no one wants to be in.  I get that.  I have so many friends who are widows.  So many who have buried their children.  So many with chronic illness.  No one wants to be those clubs, either.  But here we are.  

I may hate this club with all that is in me.  But I'll still answer the phone, read and answer your text or message, and PRAY for your child, your friend's child, your family member, your friend.  I'll grieve with you when the hard days come, the diagnosis, the admissions, even if you face the unthinkable.  Because I'm in the cancer mom club.  It's what we do.

  

Always a Learner Be

I'm sitting out in the early March afternoon sun - light coming through the still bare branches. Watching Maggs sleep by my feet on the deck, turning my chair so the breeze doesn't blow my hair into my face. Thinking about this long winter... who am I kidding?  This long YEAR.  So thankful for the promise of Spring.  I think it's finally here.

February brought an opportunity to learn to be more intentional - and it surprised me how even the things I would have said, "I always do that," weren't always being done.  My best efforts often failed.  My determination to do better kept disappearing, as the hours turned into another busy day, as the busy days became weeks, and as weeks morphed into months.

It's been a long, hard four years here at the troops.  There's been SO much joy and so many good gifts.  But there's also been a lot of just surviving, too. 

One thing about having a big family AND getting older - is that if the phase you are in is uncomfortable, a new one will be here soon.  Maybe harder, maybe less demanding but it will be different.  The constant is that it's always changing.  Winter may be long and dark and cold, but Spring will come.

Just this morning I was talking to one of the kids (they'll always be kids, even though we now have FOUR in their 20's - what in the world?), about how regardless of how fast time goes or what season you're in... whether you are in school or college, or engaged or married, starting a career or finishing up year 28 in your vocation (like the Coach)... never stop being a learner.

Knowing our need for Jesus, our need for wisdom, our need for grace... knowing ALL we can learn from God's Word and the moving of the Holy Spirit and the wise counsel that we can glean from others...you never out grow those things.  Not at 21, not at 47, not ever.  Read your Bible, read books, listen to podcasts, listen to sermons, read more books, really LISTEN to people - who have already been where you are and have learned well along the way.

I've always told my kids to learn from those around them - positive and negative. Something they've all seen is that arrogance and lack of accountability never serve us well.  There's huge need for humility when you live with 9 other people, who are all different than you are!  Thinking we know all and can do all and have all and be all is a sure path to destruction.  God didn't create us to do it on our own.  He created us to depend on HIM.  When we are weak, then HE is strong.  The opposite of arrogance and pride?  Humility and a willingness to learn.  A desire to learn.  A heart that says, no matter how well I do this, I want to do it better.  No matter how well I love people, I want to love them more.  No matter how many opportunities I have to bring glory to the name of Christ, I never want to stop looking for more ways to honor Him.  The Coach is a beautiful example of this quality.  He strives for excellence in every area of his life.

And that's what I pray for my kids.  

I find it easier to be humble, the older I get. I know I'm such a mess. I know more about how little I know... every single day.  But I look at my kids and see these amazing, God-following, wise, intelligent, young men and women - and I know they need Jesus just as desperately.  They must be determined not to give pride and arrogance a foothold. So I keep telling them... always learn, always grow, never think you have it all figured out.  Pursue humility and have a learner's heart.  Pursue JESUS.  Because in light of HIS righteousness, holiness, perfection... we're not so amazing.  But OH how amazing He is.

So I remind myself today, as I work on losing weight... AGAIN.  As I seek to continue to grow discipline in my daily life.  As I plan and prepare and organize and budget.  As I work on more consistent journaling and writing.  As I think about what race will be next for the Coach and I (one of the many things we've missed in the last year).  That I must always be a learner.

I'd love to hear what part of God's Word, Bible study, book, podcast, etc. YOU are learning from this week!  Leave me a comment, so I can keep learning along with you. 

Happy Wednesday!

Snowpocalypse 2021

In the year that just keeps on giving (also known as 2020, month 14), our state is currently under an unprecedented (so tired of that word) arctic snow storm.  The coldest temperatures in over 100 years, two weeks under freezing temps and a decent amount of snow fall - with another round headed our way, as I type.

Another unprecedented part of this event is that we only have a few of the kids stuck at home with us.  Not 10 of us in the house, not even 8.  Since Little Man schemed to get snowed in at his cousins' house (and it worked!!), just five of us.  So strange.

Thankfully, we've been exempt from the rolling power outages this far.  Only one bathroom froze up - and that was quickly warmed. We've had the thermostat turned down and most lights out, but we've been able to stay warm to work and do school.

Most of all, it's reminded me once again - will I ever learn? - that focusing on what we are thankful for can  make ALL of the difference.  I so quickly head down the path of frustration and disappointment.  When, in fact, there really is ALWAYS something to be thankful for.  Even if everything in this life passes away (and it WILL some day!) we still have Jesus.  Our eternal salvation.  Our heavenly hope. Things seem pretty bleak on lots of fronts.  But God is still on His throne and we can trust Him. 

Four month scans for our boy are postponed another week.  Just like we rescheduled for our two covid quarantines, we'll have to catch up for this week, as well.  "Normal" seems but a memory.  But we were able to celebrate our oldest girl's 24th on Sunday afternoon, before the storm rolled in - with all of our in-town kids and our parents.  So thankful.

In the meantime, we're going to snuggle up near the fire with our blankets and coffee. We're going to text the kids who aren't here. We're going to play another game and watch another old movie.  Eat more soup, or chili, or soup.... ha!  And as we choose thankfulness each moment, choosing to enjoy the gifts of each moment... those moments will turn into days... and before we know it?  Spring.

We have hope for two more graduations and another wedding and time with the people we love the most this Spring.  All gifts. Spring last year was pretty rough!  Ha! But even the promise of Spring isn't where I'm placing my hope.  There will be something to be grateful for no matter what.

Always.

The snow has started falling... and the kids just started Pride and Prejudice.  Think I'll join them!  

Stay safe and warm!