Life at *almost* 50

(From Feburary 2023)

The other day, as I was reading in bed (side note - the Anne of Green Gables series is just so good - I've loved going back to it) and our youngest came in to ask me a question.  I didn't hear him coming.  Not a sound.  Just all of a sudden there was a 6'1" MAN standing in my room.  Had a little heart attack, to be honest.  And then I started laughing.  He was just as silent as a toddler.  You'd think all of the growing he's done and all of the size he's added... that he'd make SOME sort of sound coming down the hall.  Nope.

We recently moved Daughter (#2) and her little family to their first house - about 35 minutes away.  The house needed some work and it's been a bit of a rough start - but it will be a great house.  Just solidified in me that I'm not moving, again.  Ever.  In fact, don't even bother with a funeral home - just bury me in the backyard.

Last Fall when the Coach and I moved the girls back to college, we counted that we've moved kids in and out of college housing 17 times in the last 8 years.  And that's including the fact that son #1 did his own moving several times. Also not including the married kid's houses and apartments - again, Son #1 has been on his own there, too.  Hopefully one day we can help them.  Ha!

The kids got me a digital picture frame for Christmas and I love it. I think it's what REALLY makes you a grandma.  I love that new pictures pop up when the kids add them and I love that the grandbaby watches for his aunts and uncles to show up.  So sweet.

About three months ago (maybe 2?) the Coach and I started talking about the possibility of running another longer race.  He's always ready for a challenge - but this time it's been a big one.  His running pace had been getting faster and faster and I had all but quit running completely... poor guy.  But we're tackling one run at a time and honestly, it's felt great.  I just keep telling myself - don't quit moving.  I remind myself that my mom ran her first marathon at 55.  She ended up running 6 of them.  I've completed 8 half marathons so far, but it's been about 3 years since the last one!  Thankful the Coach is still happy to jog along beside me.

One week ago, today, marked six years since Son #3's cancer diagnosis.  As the Coach and I talked about it that night, we agreed that it feels like there was no life before that - in so many ways.  It changed us so dramatically.  Changed our lives and our family and our kids' lives.  But also, SIX YEARS.  There aren't really words for that.  I remember when they told us 3 years of chemo and we both said that's not even possible! And now it's been 2 1/2 years since those 3 1/2 years ended.  Pretty amazing.

God is amazing.

I have a few thoughts...

(From Summer 2023)

I try to always be reading, listening, discussing (mostly with the Coach), learning... something.  The challenge is good - both for my mind and for my thinking.  I'm currently reading the Anne of Green Gables series, again.  So good.  And listening to "Permission to Feel."  Recent reads have been "Spare" by Prince Harry (the language was horrible, so I can't recommend it - but very interesting) and "Becoming Free Indeed" by Jinger Duggar.

Whether you read for entertainment or education, it's good to read with discernment.  You don't have to only listen or read things you agree with - in fact, I would discourage that.  There's almost always something to learn - from anyone.  We all have different perspectives and experiences.  So helpful to hear from others.

That doesn't, however, mean that we just absorb it all and take it all as gospel truth.  We have to be discerning in what we receive in our minds and hearts.  

A huge mistake that I've made in the past... is in thinking that my experience has been the same as others.  Don't jump on every bandwagon.  Sometimes someone else's experience is just that - their experience.  You maybe went to the same church or were in the same homeschool group or worked at the same place... but you didn't have the same experience - and that's ok.  Don't write off what they went through.  But also... don't feel like you have to agree with their perspective.  Don't equate the situation with the struggle.  People in all different circumstances have hard things.  It's not always a direct correlation to an organization or group or church or school.  It's just life.

Maybe I'm not making sense.  But our culture wants to make everything a big thing.  Everyone is offended, everyone is hurt, everyone is wounded.  And that's true in some sense.  We've all had hard things.  But don't take everyone else's issues on as your own. God will give you the grace for what you've been through.  He will be your strength and shield.  But don't heap on other wounds that you only found necessary after hearing about someone else's experiences.

Life is hard enough, don't make it harder.  Keep learning, keep growing, keep holding up God's Word as the standard and Truth.  Keep listening and showing compassion and loving others.  But don't try to carry burdens that are only created by someone else.  Who needs it?

Not every bandwagon is worth my jumping on.  Hopefully, you see that, too.

Things of the past...

(From Fall 2023)

The Coach has been challenging me to write more, lately.  He knows it is a healthy thing for me to do.  I love words and written words are my favorite.  Reading, listening, writing... these things are how I process what's going on in life and it helps me think clearly.  Those Thankful Thursday blogs when the kids were little helped me change my perspective.  Reading posts from when we had 8 kids running around here causes me to HEAR the quiet in my house, this morning.  Remembering is so good.  Being grateful is a beautiful thing.  Writing helps me do both.

Just so there is no concern regarding my understanding of these things...  I AM aware that blogs and my little blogspot are a thing of the past.  I know.  I started this little page in 2007, when our youngest was born.  He's currently 16 and a sophomore in high school.  Time passes - rather quickly, I might add.  Trends come and go.  Things get old.  That's how life works.

Turns out, I'm somewhat of a thing of the past, too.  I passed my 50th birthday last Summer, so it seems fitting that as a "thing of the past," I am still here writing at my thing of the past blog.  Somehow it works. Also, my mom mentioned the other day that I looked "so cute" with short hair.  I haven't had short hair in over 12 years.  Another thing of the past, apparently.  One that my daughters beg me to leave in the past.

Not to be discouraging, but it seems that the older I get, the less I actually know.  In spite of a growing number of experiences, years, ages, life stages... I am acutely aware that my experience is simply that.  My experience.  For better or worse, it doesn't transfer.  Not even to saving my kids from making the same mistakes that the Coach and I have made in the last 29 years.  But no worries, because even if we could somehow give them our experiences to build on?  They would still need to make their own.  That's how life works.  We don't know what we don't know... until we know how little we know.  And that comes with age, doesn't it?

Life with babies was HARD.  But also, simple.  Not easy.  But simple.  Feeding, clothing, caring for, teaching, training, enjoying.  And extremely refining for us, as parents, as it revealed how very selfish we were.

Life with adult kids is also hard.  The work is not of the physical kind, as a rule - although babysitting wears me out in new and unusual ways... but rather, more of the emotional kind.  So much prayer.  So much.  Along with helping, when possible.  But mostly just praying - as I see them work through and learn so many hard things.  

The Coach and attended a beautiful wedding last Saturday.  We enjoyed it so much - especially since it included time with two of our kids.  But on the way home, as we were talking about what we've both been thinking about and struggling through, lately, we expressed both how very happy we were for the newlyweds - AND how thankful we are to be 29 years down that road.  The comfort and security of this place in life, married to this man, and seeking to grow and learn together?  Nothing better.  Truly.

We talked about a few regrets - nothing we haven't discussed before - but mostly gratefulness.  For God's faithfulness, for our kids who are our favorite people in the world - and for each other.  God gave us this and I'm more thankful every day.

So maybe THIS thing of the past - me - should go back to another thing of the past - this blog - and resurrect the Thankful Thursday of old, and remember God's blessings on our family.  This big crazy growing family... a good gift from the best Giver.  

Happy Monday.

.

29 years

Two people who barely know each other, don't have a clue who they are, don't know what their weaknesses and strengths are, and have very little life experience... decide to get married and then stand up in front of God and everybody and promise to love for LIFE.

Bizarre.

I didn't even really know the coach as well as most couples know each other.  I knew some things about him... things that have remained true to this day. That he loved God, was smart, disciplined and determined.  Handsome.  He's changed a lot in 29 years - but his character hasn't.  Three houses, two 12 passenger vans, 3 minivans, 8 kids, 7 highschool graduations, 5 college graduations, 4 weddings, the death of a parent, the evolution of a career, and now grandparents of four sweet babies.  Watching him navigate it all and lead me through (especially the hard) things has given me tremendous love and respect for this man.

We thought we knew some things at 21 and 24.  We knew a lot about marriage before we were married.  We knew a lot about parenting before we had kids.  But parenting is the single most humbling thing I've ever experienced.  I would say it's impossible to have a good marriage if you're selfish.  And It's extremely difficult to parent well if you are too proud to continue to learn - and admit it when you're wrong.  God uses all of it to teach us so much about ourselves and how to trust Him.

I recently heard someone say... "You have 4-5 great loves in your life... if you're really lucky, they'll turn out to the be same person."  We've been so "lucky."  We are so different than we were 29 years ago.  We're different than we were one year ago.  I wouldn't want to stay the same.  I want to grow and learn and change.  Both of us, changing and evolving and learning... and heading in the same direction AND closer together as the years pass.  I'm so grateful that on December 17th, 1994, I stood there and promised for life.  So grateful. 

This year I turned 50, became a Marmee for the 3rd time, lost 50 pounds, and ran my first full marathon.  The Coach loved me last year and he loves me this year.  He loved me at 21 and he loves me even more 29 years later.  Yes, we would both say that those 450+ training miles helped us grow closer.  Something about getting up on a Saturday morning in the cold and dark to run for three hours... is a bonding experience.  But we could say the same about the other hard things we've gone through.

When we were newlyweds, the Coach had very full football and basketball seasons. Then you add 8 kids in the mix and all of their activities and school and life... and for so many years our priority was just survival.  We enjoyed it.  We really did.  We worked hard to find date nights and weekends away once a year and it was GOOD.  Really good.

But now?  We can talk every evening in the hot tub.  We can spend weekends together (mostly not at kid's activities).  We can be home more evenings and discuss what we're reading, what we're learning, what God is teaching us.  It's amazing.  I could never have imagined how good it would be.

I know we wouldn't be HERE without the THERE.  The surviving part.  I wouldn't trade it or the amazing humans we call ours for anything.  But this sure is a sweet season.  Happy 29th, Coach.

Weighed Down

Sometimes life seems so heavy.  Things start to weigh us down.  We can feel suffocated by the number of things we are trying to process, take care of, and deal with.  We can feel overwhelmed with the heaviness of walking through yet another trial, when we'd rather find a detour.

We stay busy here at the troops, considering we only have two kids living at home during the school year.  Even though the other kids aren't here every day, they're still part of our lives and on our hearts.  We're still trying to help, encourage, support - in whatever way we can!  On one end, that looks like providing child care for our daughter who is a nurse... on the other end, it's a phone conversation with our kids in SC once every couple of weeks.  The other kids fall somewhere in the middle.

In spite of what I envisioned, being older hasn't made life easier.  We still stress over finances and disagree on priorities.  We still schedule too many appointments and try to fit in too many things each week.  Work is still stressful for the Coach and I still haven't cleaned the grout in the bathroom tile (will I ever?).

There's never enough time or money... there's always more on the list than we could possibly accomplish.  Things continue to break and need fixing.  People continue to be difficult.  Relationships falter, hearts get broken.  We feel excluded, left out, slandered.  We're getting older, our stuff is wearing out, and no amount of healthy lifestyle is going to keep us from aging.  Some days we are eating whole foods and getting enough sleep and others... not so much. Nothing makes me feel quite as old as chasing a toddler around, again.  

It's easy to get discouraged when we look at our world...our hearts...our families.  Everything broken in so many ways and no hope of being whole this side of heaven.

But on Sunday we celebrated the resurrection of our Savior - and He has conquered sin and death once and for all.  We may live between the already and the not yet (as Paul Tripp says), but we know the end of the story.  Jesus has already been victorious over the death and decay we feel every single day on this earth (says my hip that's been giving me fits this round of 1/2 marathon training). But we can have HOPE in the coming redemption.  

Without Jesus, the heaviness of this life would be unbearable.  But we can persevere in the strength of the Lord today - because we have bright hope for tomorrow.  He will make all things new, right every wrong, redeem what has been lost.  God is in the business of GIVING life and REDEEMING life and making things NEW.  And that's exactly what my heart needs, today.  Praise be to God.

A Thousand Lifetimes

I'm watching that green haze start to come over our trees.  Things starting to bloom and come to life.  The Coach's yard is beautiful as always.  This year the back is a project zone, but the front is still so lovely.

The seasons of life overlap - with the one before and the one that follows. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall.  But also seasons of young and old, raising kids, changes in vocation.  Some of the seasons are sweet.  Some of them bitter.  Some painful and some filled with joy.  I keep hearing myself say what a SWEET season we are in right now.  It's not without challenges (as the 17 of us try to understand and love each other), but it's full of moments that fill my heart.

Some seasons feel like a lifetime ago.

I spent a lifetime pregnant - or it sure felt like it!  9 pregnancies in 11 years.  When I see pictures of those days, it feels like an out of body experience.  Ha!

I spent another lifetime nursing babies.  Sleep training.  Changing diapers.  Potty Training.  Some of those babies were easy going and some weren't.  Some slept well and some didn't (and still don't).  In spite of them all having the same parents, each one was SO unique and their own little person. 

I spent a lifetime at elementary programs and elementary basketball games.  IYKYK.  That's all.  OK... I miss the programs, they were precious.  Maybe a future season will have me back there with grand babies, Lord willing.

I've spent another lifetime at sporting events. Our troops who started out as football, volleyball and basketball players managed to pick up track, tennis, soccer and cross-country, along the way.  So thoughtful of them, don't you think?  And don't you dare suggest to the remaining high schooler that he should try out baseball or golf.  Thank you.  My hindquarters have spent many a season on bleachers.  For the most part, it's a been a blessing.

I spent a lifetime with toddlers and babies on my ankles trying to fix dinner and help with homework, desperate for the Coach to walk in the door.  That pre-dinner hour is rough with babies.  I know if you're there right now, you get it.

I've spent a lifetime with moody teens.  Or has it been thousands of lifetimes?  Some days have felt like years.  Jury is still out on the final outcome, but most days I'm betting on the Coach and me.  And when they get to the other side of that season, they sure are great humans.

I spent a lifetime in the oncology clinic and hospital floor.  Entire lifetimes over and over watching my boy battle cancer.  More than a lifetime of heart break and crying out to God.  And here, six years later, I couldn't be more grateful to have been the one God allowed to watch him win that battle. What a gift.

But in spite of all of the lifetimes we've lived?

I'm going to spend the rest of my life soaking in those grand baby snuggles.  A lifetime reading "Seven Silly Eaters" and swinging on the porch and Face timing the aunts.  I'm going to spend what life I have left loving my people and watching them laugh and taking in the JOY of seeing them in their own lives, loving Jesus and others, serving so well, living lifetimes of their own and getting to have a front row seat.

I want to enjoy another lifetime of birthday family dinners and printed out pictures of gifts I didn't order in time.  Homemade meatballs and sheet cake and the candles I always forget to buy.  Mema's birthday banner and Grandmother's birthday balloons and home movies from when we had to use an actual video camera.  A lifetime of "bumping up and down in my little red dragon."

I hope for at least another lifetime to share every day with my Coach.  Pouring out our thoughts while we run, watching a show while holding hands on the couch, making each other laugh, arguing debating over theology (I'm difficult like that), going on coffee dates, being partners in every part of life.  Outside of Jesus, He has been life's greatest gift to me.  

Whatever lifetimes I have left, I want to spend them thanking God for His goodness and praising Him for His faithfulness.  A lifetime singing of the goodness of God.  It will never be enough.