Always a Learner Be

I'm sitting out in the early March afternoon sun - light coming through the still bare branches. Watching Maggs sleep by my feet on the deck, turning my chair so the breeze doesn't blow my hair into my face. Thinking about this long winter... who am I kidding?  This long YEAR.  So thankful for the promise of Spring.  I think it's finally here.

February brought an opportunity to learn to be more intentional - and it surprised me how even the things I would have said, "I always do that," weren't always being done.  My best efforts often failed.  My determination to do better kept disappearing, as the hours turned into another busy day, as the busy days became weeks, and as weeks morphed into months.

It's been a long, hard four years here at the troops.  There's been SO much joy and so many good gifts.  But there's also been a lot of just surviving, too. 

One thing about having a big family AND getting older - is that if the phase you are in is uncomfortable, a new one will be here soon.  Maybe harder, maybe less demanding but it will be different.  The constant is that it's always changing.  Winter may be long and dark and cold, but Spring will come.

Just this morning I was talking to one of the kids (they'll always be kids, even though we now have FOUR in their 20's - what in the world?), about how regardless of how fast time goes or what season you're in... whether you are in school or college, or engaged or married, starting a career or finishing up year 28 in your vocation (like the Coach)... never stop being a learner.

Knowing our need for Jesus, our need for wisdom, our need for grace... knowing ALL we can learn from God's Word and the moving of the Holy Spirit and the wise counsel that we can glean from others...you never out grow those things.  Not at 21, not at 47, not ever.  Read your Bible, read books, listen to podcasts, listen to sermons, read more books, really LISTEN to people - who have already been where you are and have learned well along the way.

I've always told my kids to learn from those around them - positive and negative. Something they've all seen is that arrogance and lack of accountability never serve us well.  There's huge need for humility when you live with 9 other people, who are all different than you are!  Thinking we know all and can do all and have all and be all is a sure path to destruction.  God didn't create us to do it on our own.  He created us to depend on HIM.  When we are weak, then HE is strong.  The opposite of arrogance and pride?  Humility and a willingness to learn.  A desire to learn.  A heart that says, no matter how well I do this, I want to do it better.  No matter how well I love people, I want to love them more.  No matter how many opportunities I have to bring glory to the name of Christ, I never want to stop looking for more ways to honor Him.  The Coach is a beautiful example of this quality.  He strives for excellence in every area of his life.

And that's what I pray for my kids.  

I find it easier to be humble, the older I get. I know I'm such a mess. I know more about how little I know... every single day.  But I look at my kids and see these amazing, God-following, wise, intelligent, young men and women - and I know they need Jesus just as desperately.  They must be determined not to give pride and arrogance a foothold. So I keep telling them... always learn, always grow, never think you have it all figured out.  Pursue humility and have a learner's heart.  Pursue JESUS.  Because in light of HIS righteousness, holiness, perfection... we're not so amazing.  But OH how amazing He is.

So I remind myself today, as I work on losing weight... AGAIN.  As I seek to continue to grow discipline in my daily life.  As I plan and prepare and organize and budget.  As I work on more consistent journaling and writing.  As I think about what race will be next for the Coach and I (one of the many things we've missed in the last year).  That I must always be a learner.

I'd love to hear what part of God's Word, Bible study, book, podcast, etc. YOU are learning from this week!  Leave me a comment, so I can keep learning along with you. 

Happy Wednesday!

Snowpocalypse 2021

In the year that just keeps on giving (also known as 2020, month 14), our state is currently under an unprecedented (so tired of that word) arctic snow storm.  The coldest temperatures in over 100 years, two weeks under freezing temps and a decent amount of snow fall - with another round headed our way, as I type.

Another unprecedented part of this event is that we only have a few of the kids stuck at home with us.  Not 10 of us in the house, not even 8.  Since Little Man schemed to get snowed in at his cousins' house (and it worked!!), just five of us.  So strange.

Thankfully, we've been exempt from the rolling power outages this far.  Only one bathroom froze up - and that was quickly warmed. We've had the thermostat turned down and most lights out, but we've been able to stay warm to work and do school.

Most of all, it's reminded me once again - will I ever learn? - that focusing on what we are thankful for can  make ALL of the difference.  I so quickly head down the path of frustration and disappointment.  When, in fact, there really is ALWAYS something to be thankful for.  Even if everything in this life passes away (and it WILL some day!) we still have Jesus.  Our eternal salvation.  Our heavenly hope. Things seem pretty bleak on lots of fronts.  But God is still on His throne and we can trust Him. 

Four month scans for our boy are postponed another week.  Just like we rescheduled for our two covid quarantines, we'll have to catch up for this week, as well.  "Normal" seems but a memory.  But we were able to celebrate our oldest girl's 24th on Sunday afternoon, before the storm rolled in - with all of our in-town kids and our parents.  So thankful.

In the meantime, we're going to snuggle up near the fire with our blankets and coffee. We're going to text the kids who aren't here. We're going to play another game and watch another old movie.  Eat more soup, or chili, or soup.... ha!  And as we choose thankfulness each moment, choosing to enjoy the gifts of each moment... those moments will turn into days... and before we know it?  Spring.

We have hope for two more graduations and another wedding and time with the people we love the most this Spring.  All gifts. Spring last year was pretty rough!  Ha! But even the promise of Spring isn't where I'm placing my hope.  There will be something to be grateful for no matter what.

Always.

The snow has started falling... and the kids just started Pride and Prejudice.  Think I'll join them!  

Stay safe and warm!  

This Christmas...

I snuck outside this afternoon to sit in the last few rays of sunshine on the back deck, before the sun dropped behind the trees.  The weather is perfect today. Sunshine and blue skies and 64 degrees.  Such a contrast to last week, when we had inches of fluffy snow!  A perfect day to throw open the windows and vacuum the house... after having puny kids for a week or so.  Or maybe a month.  It's all running together at this point.

We've never had such a quiet, slow-paced week before Christmas.  I feel sure I'm missing something.  I've never had time to just sit and watch a movie (or 4 seasons of Grey's Anatomy - don't ask.  :-/).  I've made Christmas goodies TWICE. Turns out making them a week before Christmas when everyone is home all day long?  Means they are eaten in two days.  And it's still not Christmas.  

All of the gifts are bought and wrapped and only one thing hasn't come, yet.  What IS this Christmas calm?  I don't recognize it.  I feel ill at ease and anxious because WHAT AM I MISSING?  When the troops were all tiny, the Coach I spent our anniversary shopping and wrapped everything on December 23rd.  Those were the days.  Not to mention that one year when Son #3 was a baby and the washer water line burst in the middle of night/early Christmas morning and our kitchen flooded.  Or the year we SLID all the way to Edmond to family Christmas.  Or the many, many years when Daughter #2 was sick on Christmas.  It was definitely her "thing."

So I AM missing a few things...

12-15 basketball games every week, including Saturdays - for years on end.  We just have ONE basketball player this year.  And Jr. High basketball, when he's only suiting up every other game?  Pretty chill.

Christmas Parties and Banquets.  So strange that we haven't dressed up one time.  I'm not even sure where my real pants are, at this point. Not to mention, after wearing leggings and joggers for so long (and doing so much cooking and baking), I'm fairly confident my real pants won't even fit.  No school program (no kids in elementary any more), no kids in choir or band, no company banquet.  When you add it all up? It's a lot of evenings at home, compared to years past.  So strange.

Dentist, orthodontist, dermatologist appointments, etc. etc.  Because is this age of COVID, no one wants you to come near their office, if anyone in your house isn't well.  Covid or not.  So strange.  And this one in particular is going to catch up with us after the holidays, for sure.  Because school vacations are the time to get all of the doctor's appointments done!

Chemo, Labs, Scans, and Prescription refills. It's somewhat eye opening to realize how much of my life I've spent doing all of those things the last 3 1/2 years.  There's a huge surplus of time in that area that I didn't realize I was missing.  It's bizarre.  And wonderful.  My heart is overflowing with thankfulness this Christmas for healthy kids.

Time with Extended Family.  Ugh.  Thanksgiving was canceled.  We DID enjoy time with just our troops - so very much.  But we miss our big family, too.  Christmas?  Looks different this year, too.  Our first Christmas without Papa here.  And it will be different in so many other ways, as well.

So maybe there is something behind all of the extra time?  The feeling more "caught up" than I have in awhile, the feeling that something is missing?  Some of the things that we are missing are kind of nice.  Others are sad.  But never before has there been a better opportunity to be grateful in all things.  To rejoice in celebration of the birth of our Savior.  A greater realization of our NEED for redemption will hopefully lead to a greater thankfulness and deeper love for Christ and others.  

This Christmas may look different at your house, too.  But God is the same yesterday, today, and forever and HE will never leave you or forsake you.  He is faithful.  Always.

Merry Christmas from our Troops to yours.  

Sometimes I say to myself, "SELF... Listen Up."

The Coach got hearing aides this year.  I don't think he'd mind you knowing.  Well, I hope he doesn't.  Anyway,  I had such high hopes.  Being able to call him from the other room.  Having him hear me tell him about my day and knowing he wouldn't miss the crazy conversations around the dinner table.  Not repeating things over and over.  And over.

At his first follow up with the audiologist, they went over the adjustments he'd made to the levels. The whole thing is VERY fancy - you can adjust them, using your phone, depending on where you are, the kinds of sounds, etc.  The audiologist looked at the information from his first week and said, "Wow.  Your house is loud." 

If he only knew.

I tattled on him during a football game, to his ENT - whose grandson is in our youngest's class. "I was so excited when he got them!" I told him, "But he takes them out when he gets home."

He just laughed.

It's like that, isn't it?  Often, those at home - who we are safe with - get us at our worst.  When we relax.  When we don't listen as carefully.  When we're tired and our tempers are short.  When we change out of our nice clothes and put on our joggers.  When we take out our contacts.  

Maybe we are the least patient with those who love us the most. But then that makes the love of those who see us in THOSE moments, even more precious.

Having adult kids that live at home has its distinct challenges.  They've lived on their own, made their own schedules, routines and decisions.  They haven't had to ask if they can go out or tell someone when they'll be home.  No worries about being quiet when they come in, or waking someone up in the morning when they leave. Then they move home and (gasp!) have to actually consider how what they do effects those around them.  

Our oldest left home his first Fall after high school - and only spent one Summer home with us before he got married after college graduation.  Our daughter graduated and lived at home for a year before she got married. And worked nights at a nurse most of that year.  Now our third is home, after finishing his classes for his degree - only student teaching left this Spring. He'll be living at home until his wedding in May.  

All of these seasons with the adult kids have been good.  There has been hard, too, but lots of good.  I'm thankful for the time with them before they move on and don't call this "home" anymore. And then they come back and it's even better. 

I'm not even sure what my point is with all of this.  I guess I think back to when I started writing this blog when Little Man was a baby.  And now he's 13.  THIRTEEN.  I have no idea.

I think about our journey as parents of 8 kids, 11 and under, - to parents of two married kids and three college kids and two high school kids and our baby in Jr. High.  What a ride.  I think about how I always wanted to have 12 kids... and in May we'll have 11.  I love them all so much - the original 8 and the three additions.  

Mostly, I think about how God has been so faithful as we've gone from young marrieds with babies to old marrieds with hearing aides.  How God's goodness has been the constant through it all. Every season. I've truly loved every minute.

And I'm also tired. And sometimes, when the kids still at home assert their "independence," (Which they don't really have because, you know, we're still funding their lives.  Sigh.) I wonder if it's worth it.  I want to give up.  I don't want to deal with the fall out of the trauma our kids have experienced.  It's ridiculously hard - and I grow weary asking God for more grace more strength more perseverance more HELP trying to figure out what matters and what doesn't.

But I'm pretty sure this is it.  This is what matters.  Living life together and seeking to somehow bring God glory through all of the things - the laughter and the tears.  Enjoying the time when we have all of our people together. And missing them when we aren't.  Celebrating birthdays, engagements, weddings. graduations, and LIFE.  Together. 

No season lasts forever.  But this one is pretty great.  

End of one season... Beginning of another...

We celebrated with balloons and Peach/Blueberry cobbler and ice cream. He texted at 4:00 and said "I've graduated!"  And although we fully plan to all go to his actual graduation in December and cheer him on, those words meant he has finished well.

"Most men will proclaim every one his own goodness: but a faithful man who can find?" Proverbs 20:6

21 months ago, the Troop began this journey of completing his masters.  He'd talked about it for years.  YEARS.  But there were always babies, then drivers, then graduations, and LIFE, and it just didn't happen.  Thankfully, our school faculty found a way to encourage our teachers to get it done - and partnered with Oklahoma Wesleyan University to make it possible.  Our "plan" was for him to start after football season in 2018 (retire from coaching) and finish this summer.  Well, our awesome guys made it all the was to STATE FINALS that year.  So he coached football, taught three classes, was our academic counselor AND started his own classes for his masters.

It was rough.

In the 21 months that he's had classes (8 weeks each, running one after another), we've had some big milestones with our troops.  Even though he's spent most evenings and every weekend studying, life has marched on.

Our oldest graduated from college in December of 2018 and married in January of 2019.

Our 4th graduated from high school.

Our second graduated from OBU in May of 2019 and started her job as a NICU nurse that July.

My father-in-law passed away after battling dementia in April of this year.

Our 5th graduated from high school in May.

Our 2nd got married in June.

Our Coach became our newest secondary headmaster - and turned 50.

Our 3rd born has continued chemo, oral chemo, labs, and scans through this entire season.  

Meanwhile, we had three in college, then two - and will be three again, this Fall.

We've still had kids still in school - football, volleyball, basketball, and tennis seasons.

Little Man finished elementary - our last one to go through the blue door to secondary.  He'll be a 7th grader this Fall.

And of course, the pandemic - starting in March - with distance learning, all seven of our younger kids home (one working, two doing college classes online, and four doing school online).  While spending time with family before and after Papa passed away... AND planning a wedding.

My amazing Coach is ambitious, disciplined, hard working, and never wastes time.  The only exception being, during the pandemic we started watching an episode of Blue Bloods about 9:00 in the evening, but if I don't get there in time? He goes to bed.  Ha!  He has a long list of responsibilities and he executes them beautifully.

He's always reading, studying, learning, challenging me - and our kids - to pursue Christ and use our minds and stay active.

One example of this is that he suggested (after reading an article in Runner's World) that we should start a "Run Every Day" streak on Memorial Day.  Hahahahaha!  Because we had nothing else going on, right?  But we did it.  And I'm still going.  Today was day 69.  Would I have ever done that on my own? Nope.  But it was fun to do it, together.

I'm writing all of this down, because I want to remember this season of life.  It's been CRAZY.  If I think about it too long, it's overwhelming.  Not really because it's been hard.  Which is has.  But because God has been SO good to us.  Not in taking away the hard or freeing us from struggle... but in being PRESENT in it all.  We've had His comfort, His peace, His wisdom, His strength.  

And as I look ahead to moving the boys back to OBU this week and moving our #5 FAR FAR AWAY to Virginia for her first semester of college... As I look ahead to (Lord willing) our #3 finishing chemo for GOOD, later this month.  As I look ahead to having a senior, sophomore, and 7th grader left at home and what school will like during his crazy season in history... as I look ahead to the Coach starting his first school year as headmaster (even while I'm still over here still missing the football coaching) and for the first time ever, not teaching in the classroom...

It would be easy to worry about what the future holds. Prayerfully, I hope it holds healing and restoration for our #3 after 3 1/12 years of treatment.  Another high school graduation AND another college graduation next May.  Maybe another wedding somewhere in the future, maybe grandchildren (wouldn't that be fun?) at some point. All surrounded by great political and economic uncertainty, and an unknown future.

But it's not unknown to God.

So I'll just camp out there.  Trusting Him who has been faithful - that He will continue to be.  Knowing that we make plans, but God has the very best gifts in store for us.  That He promises to finish the work He began when the Coach and I promised ourselves to Him and to each other - and this family was born (over 25 years ago).  He'll never give up on us.  So we'll keep hanging on and doing the next thing and trusting Him for the future.  And taking naps whenever possible.

Happy 1st Sunday of August.

Sweet (and HOT) Summertime

These last few months have been full of so many BIG feelings at the troops.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The Coach's dad passed away in April.  Even though he had been declining, he left us so quickly, during such a strange time in the world.  We FEEL his absence. His hugs, his kisses on our cheeks, his hand on the kids' faces or heads, his words of encouragement, his notes, his teasing, his talks on history and family and His relationship with His Heavenly Father. His death gave us time with family, gathering to say goodbye (41 of us at his bedside) and eternally grateful for his legacy of faith and family.  All together for the burial, in spite of it all.

Graduation for our 5th - in a different location, but with our family and friends (and social distancing). Such a strange end to her Senior year.  Our little Valedictorian graduated with honors, after missing her last basketball state tournament, tennis season, Spring Formal, and senior trip to Boston. We were just so happy to get to see her walk across that stage.

Memorial Service for Papa. Seeing so many who were touched by his life and loved him so dearly. Sweet memories that still fill our hearts.  Hearing all 10 of his kids honor him with their words, hearts so full of thankfulness to be FAMILY.

Marriage for our 2nd - I'll never stop being thankful at the MIRACLE that their wedding date hit when it did - right when things were opening and gatherings were allowed.  All outdoors on a gorgeous June evening, with the people we love all around us. Beautiful life long memories with our girl and her future pastor.  It's fun having newlyweds around.

Vacation with our "still at home" people and my parents.  Beautiful, cool, Breckenridge.  We look forward to it all year.  We hiked less and rested more, this year.  But we sure love those morning runs in the mountains!

And now we're on the precipice of moving our boys (senior and sophomore) back to college in Shawnee and taking our baby girl to Virginia for school - for her first semester away.

Thursday?  The Coach will have his final interview and formally complete his masters in secondary school administration.  Two years of CRAZY amounts of studying for him - evenings and weekends, at the dinner table while the rest of us... well... didn't study.

And last Thursday?  Our boy had his final chemo infusion to finish 3 1/2 years of treatment for Acute Lymphoblastic Lymphoma.  One more month of oral chemo and one more Lumbar Puncture and he'll be done.  No even sure where to file that in my brain.

So lots of BIG feelings around here.  Change, progress, endings.  The stuff of life.

We went back to church for the first time on Sunday.  So strange to think we hadn't been there since Spring break.  We went out to eat for the first time for the Coach's 50th, two weeks ago.  We didn't even get take out, we ATE THERE.  Haha.

These months ALL TOGETHER have been hard, I'm not going to sugar coat it.  Close quarters, lots of kids, lots of stressful things going on.  And I think we still all like each other.  Most of the time.  Ha!

The Coach and I still love each other and he's still my favorite.  The troops all have grown in age, physical maturity, and spiritual maturity, too.  Life keeps changing.  Not even COVID and shelter at home can change that.  Even when we are all stuck at home, things still kept changing around us.

Life ending, marriages beginning, new life, all mixed up together, like it always is.

The HARD is always mixed in with the JOY.  The JOY is always peeking through in the HARD.  They don't come in isolation, they come together.  All mixed up and twisted together in some kind of craziness - that we call life. 

The HARD will continue to come. It always does.  But I'll keep looking for the JOY that I know will be there, too.  It's always there. Sometimes we just have to look harder for it.

God is good and God is faithful.  He always will be.  And he's given us above and beyond all we could imagine in blessing us with His Son and Eternity with Him - but there's joy here in THIS life, too.  

And even though I find myself praying daily for Jesus to come back and take us all to our REAL home, I'm thankful for this home, too - and these people He's given us to walk through it with.

Every day a gift.

Pandemic Diaries - Part 3

Wait, how many weeks have we been doing this?  I've lost count.  Oh well.  Here we are.

Feeling particularly uninspired this week.  It's hard to keep cooking, keep cleaning, keep saying "NO, you can't go," keep everyone quiet - while our night nurse sleeps during the day, keep from eating ALL OF THE FOOD, and keep working out every day, while maintaining some sort of daily routine.

We've enjoyed keeping up with family and our church group with technology.  Although, I've had to just take a day off now and then from Zoom and FaceTime and Facebook.  It can be exhausting.  I'm some weird combination, but more introvert than extrovert - and being with a house full of people for weeks on end is exhausting.  Even if they are the ones I love the most.

The wedding invitations were mailed this week, with lots of prayer.  THE dress arrived and was picked up.  We celebrated our third birthday since this whole mess began.  Three kids traded in and bought new (used) cards.  Our son had his four month scans, labs and treatment (all alone, since the clinic isn't allowing visitors to enter with patients).  We've worked in the yard, cleaned the grout in the bathrooms, and cleaned out and reorganized the pantry (my girls are amazing!).  I counted over 15 dozen cookies that were made and porch delivered to friends.

I would say this week there were more movies than board games.  More naps than evening walks. I think we're all tired.  The kids are working hard at doing school on their own.  It takes more time in many ways and the Coach spends about twice as much time teaching this way.  He also has his own class to work on - his last to finish his masters!

We're still all spending lots of time in the garage-turned-gym - thanks to the loan of a rower from my gym last week.  The kids were all sad when we returned it, Saturday.  Ha!  If I had any hope that this would continue past Summer, I'd order one.  But I really think once the college kids leave, my gym is open, and the other kids are back in Fall sports - home workouts won't continue.  Which is OK.  I'm thankful they are doing it, now.

We all have things going on that we can't talk about.  Our house is no different.  And this whole shelter in place thing has made even already difficult situations - be it health related or family related or age related - even harder.  I'm sad for that.  I wish we could comfort each other and hug each other and share time around the table.

But for now?  We're doing what we can.  Joining in with church online.  Depending on those who are near.  Praying for those who aren't with us.  We miss our married kids, but are thankful for technology that helps them feel closer.

This season WILL end.  I want to be inspired and motivated and productive.  But I also want to survive. Ha!  Sometimes, with 9 of us here, tensions run high and it's hard to keep forgiving and offering grace.  But that's my goal.

Only by God's grace.

Prayers appreciated for our 20 year old son who started running a fever on Friday. He's improving, thankfully was started on meds asap, and doesn't have respiratory symptoms. But it's beyond challenging to keep him separate from the rest of the family.  So.  Much.  Cleaning.

I don't know what this week will hold.  But God is in control and I trust Him.  I'm thankful that our circumstances don't determine our responses.  I'm thankful that the grace and strength that the Lord offers is unending and that His mercies are new every morning.