This Christmas...

I snuck outside this afternoon to sit in the last few rays of sunshine on the back deck, before the sun dropped behind the trees.  The weather is perfect today. Sunshine and blue skies and 64 degrees.  Such a contrast to last week, when we had inches of fluffy snow!  A perfect day to throw open the windows and vacuum the house... after having puny kids for a week or so.  Or maybe a month.  It's all running together at this point.

We've never had such a quiet, slow-paced week before Christmas.  I feel sure I'm missing something.  I've never had time to just sit and watch a movie (or 4 seasons of Grey's Anatomy - don't ask.  :-/).  I've made Christmas goodies TWICE. Turns out making them a week before Christmas when everyone is home all day long?  Means they are eaten in two days.  And it's still not Christmas.  

All of the gifts are bought and wrapped and only one thing hasn't come, yet.  What IS this Christmas calm?  I don't recognize it.  I feel ill at ease and anxious because WHAT AM I MISSING?  When the troops were all tiny, the Coach I spent our anniversary shopping and wrapped everything on December 23rd.  Those were the days.  Not to mention that one year when Son #3 was a baby and the washer water line burst in the middle of night/early Christmas morning and our kitchen flooded.  Or the year we SLID all the way to Edmond to family Christmas.  Or the many, many years when Daughter #2 was sick on Christmas.  It was definitely her "thing."

So I AM missing a few things...

12-15 basketball games every week, including Saturdays - for years on end.  We just have ONE basketball player this year.  And Jr. High basketball, when he's only suiting up every other game?  Pretty chill.

Christmas Parties and Banquets.  So strange that we haven't dressed up one time.  I'm not even sure where my real pants are, at this point. Not to mention, after wearing leggings and joggers for so long (and doing so much cooking and baking), I'm fairly confident my real pants won't even fit.  No school program (no kids in elementary any more), no kids in choir or band, no company banquet.  When you add it all up? It's a lot of evenings at home, compared to years past.  So strange.

Dentist, orthodontist, dermatologist appointments, etc. etc.  Because is this age of COVID, no one wants you to come near their office, if anyone in your house isn't well.  Covid or not.  So strange.  And this one in particular is going to catch up with us after the holidays, for sure.  Because school vacations are the time to get all of the doctor's appointments done!

Chemo, Labs, Scans, and Prescription refills. It's somewhat eye opening to realize how much of my life I've spent doing all of those things the last 3 1/2 years.  There's a huge surplus of time in that area that I didn't realize I was missing.  It's bizarre.  And wonderful.  My heart is overflowing with thankfulness this Christmas for healthy kids.

Time with Extended Family.  Ugh.  Thanksgiving was canceled.  We DID enjoy time with just our troops - so very much.  But we miss our big family, too.  Christmas?  Looks different this year, too.  Our first Christmas without Papa here.  And it will be different in so many other ways, as well.

So maybe there is something behind all of the extra time?  The feeling more "caught up" than I have in awhile, the feeling that something is missing?  Some of the things that we are missing are kind of nice.  Others are sad.  But never before has there been a better opportunity to be grateful in all things.  To rejoice in celebration of the birth of our Savior.  A greater realization of our NEED for redemption will hopefully lead to a greater thankfulness and deeper love for Christ and others.  

This Christmas may look different at your house, too.  But God is the same yesterday, today, and forever and HE will never leave you or forsake you.  He is faithful.  Always.

Merry Christmas from our Troops to yours.  

Sometimes I say to myself, "SELF... Listen Up."

The Coach got hearing aides this year.  I don't think he'd mind you knowing.  Well, I hope he doesn't.  Anyway,  I had such high hopes.  Being able to call him from the other room.  Having him hear me tell him about my day and knowing he wouldn't miss the crazy conversations around the dinner table.  Not repeating things over and over.  And over.

At his first follow up with the audiologist, they went over the adjustments he'd made to the levels. The whole thing is VERY fancy - you can adjust them, using your phone, depending on where you are, the kinds of sounds, etc.  The audiologist looked at the information from his first week and said, "Wow.  Your house is loud." 

If he only knew.

I tattled on him during a football game, to his ENT - whose grandson is in our youngest's class. "I was so excited when he got them!" I told him, "But he takes them out when he gets home."

He just laughed.

It's like that, isn't it?  Often, those at home - who we are safe with - get us at our worst.  When we relax.  When we don't listen as carefully.  When we're tired and our tempers are short.  When we change out of our nice clothes and put on our joggers.  When we take out our contacts.  

Maybe we are the least patient with those who love us the most. But then that makes the love of those who see us in THOSE moments, even more precious.

Having adult kids that live at home has its distinct challenges.  They've lived on their own, made their own schedules, routines and decisions.  They haven't had to ask if they can go out or tell someone when they'll be home.  No worries about being quiet when they come in, or waking someone up in the morning when they leave. Then they move home and (gasp!) have to actually consider how what they do effects those around them.  

Our oldest left home his first Fall after high school - and only spent one Summer home with us before he got married after college graduation.  Our daughter graduated and lived at home for a year before she got married. And worked nights at a nurse most of that year.  Now our third is home, after finishing his classes for his degree - only student teaching left this Spring. He'll be living at home until his wedding in May.  

All of these seasons with the adult kids have been good.  There has been hard, too, but lots of good.  I'm thankful for the time with them before they move on and don't call this "home" anymore. And then they come back and it's even better. 

I'm not even sure what my point is with all of this.  I guess I think back to when I started writing this blog when Little Man was a baby.  And now he's 13.  THIRTEEN.  I have no idea.

I think about our journey as parents of 8 kids, 11 and under, - to parents of two married kids and three college kids and two high school kids and our baby in Jr. High.  What a ride.  I think about how I always wanted to have 12 kids... and in May we'll have 11.  I love them all so much - the original 8 and the three additions.  

Mostly, I think about how God has been so faithful as we've gone from young marrieds with babies to old marrieds with hearing aides.  How God's goodness has been the constant through it all. Every season. I've truly loved every minute.

And I'm also tired. And sometimes, when the kids still at home assert their "independence," (Which they don't really have because, you know, we're still funding their lives.  Sigh.) I wonder if it's worth it.  I want to give up.  I don't want to deal with the fall out of the trauma our kids have experienced.  It's ridiculously hard - and I grow weary asking God for more grace more strength more perseverance more HELP trying to figure out what matters and what doesn't.

But I'm pretty sure this is it.  This is what matters.  Living life together and seeking to somehow bring God glory through all of the things - the laughter and the tears.  Enjoying the time when we have all of our people together. And missing them when we aren't.  Celebrating birthdays, engagements, weddings. graduations, and LIFE.  Together. 

No season lasts forever.  But this one is pretty great.  

End of one season... Beginning of another...

We celebrated with balloons and Peach/Blueberry cobbler and ice cream. He texted at 4:00 and said "I've graduated!"  And although we fully plan to all go to his actual graduation in December and cheer him on, those words meant he has finished well.

"Most men will proclaim every one his own goodness: but a faithful man who can find?" Proverbs 20:6

21 months ago, the Troop began this journey of completing his masters.  He'd talked about it for years.  YEARS.  But there were always babies, then drivers, then graduations, and LIFE, and it just didn't happen.  Thankfully, our school faculty found a way to encourage our teachers to get it done - and partnered with Oklahoma Wesleyan University to make it possible.  Our "plan" was for him to start after football season in 2018 (retire from coaching) and finish this summer.  Well, our awesome guys made it all the was to STATE FINALS that year.  So he coached football, taught three classes, was our academic counselor AND started his own classes for his masters.

It was rough.

In the 21 months that he's had classes (8 weeks each, running one after another), we've had some big milestones with our troops.  Even though he's spent most evenings and every weekend studying, life has marched on.

Our oldest graduated from college in December of 2018 and married in January of 2019.

Our 4th graduated from high school.

Our second graduated from OBU in May of 2019 and started her job as a NICU nurse that July.

My father-in-law passed away after battling dementia in April of this year.

Our 5th graduated from high school in May.

Our 2nd got married in June.

Our Coach became our newest secondary headmaster - and turned 50.

Our 3rd born has continued chemo, oral chemo, labs, and scans through this entire season.  

Meanwhile, we had three in college, then two - and will be three again, this Fall.

We've still had kids still in school - football, volleyball, basketball, and tennis seasons.

Little Man finished elementary - our last one to go through the blue door to secondary.  He'll be a 7th grader this Fall.

And of course, the pandemic - starting in March - with distance learning, all seven of our younger kids home (one working, two doing college classes online, and four doing school online).  While spending time with family before and after Papa passed away... AND planning a wedding.

My amazing Coach is ambitious, disciplined, hard working, and never wastes time.  The only exception being, during the pandemic we started watching an episode of Blue Bloods about 9:00 in the evening, but if I don't get there in time? He goes to bed.  Ha!  He has a long list of responsibilities and he executes them beautifully.

He's always reading, studying, learning, challenging me - and our kids - to pursue Christ and use our minds and stay active.

One example of this is that he suggested (after reading an article in Runner's World) that we should start a "Run Every Day" streak on Memorial Day.  Hahahahaha!  Because we had nothing else going on, right?  But we did it.  And I'm still going.  Today was day 69.  Would I have ever done that on my own? Nope.  But it was fun to do it, together.

I'm writing all of this down, because I want to remember this season of life.  It's been CRAZY.  If I think about it too long, it's overwhelming.  Not really because it's been hard.  Which is has.  But because God has been SO good to us.  Not in taking away the hard or freeing us from struggle... but in being PRESENT in it all.  We've had His comfort, His peace, His wisdom, His strength.  

And as I look ahead to moving the boys back to OBU this week and moving our #5 FAR FAR AWAY to Virginia for her first semester of college... As I look ahead to (Lord willing) our #3 finishing chemo for GOOD, later this month.  As I look ahead to having a senior, sophomore, and 7th grader left at home and what school will like during his crazy season in history... as I look ahead to the Coach starting his first school year as headmaster (even while I'm still over here still missing the football coaching) and for the first time ever, not teaching in the classroom...

It would be easy to worry about what the future holds. Prayerfully, I hope it holds healing and restoration for our #3 after 3 1/12 years of treatment.  Another high school graduation AND another college graduation next May.  Maybe another wedding somewhere in the future, maybe grandchildren (wouldn't that be fun?) at some point. All surrounded by great political and economic uncertainty, and an unknown future.

But it's not unknown to God.

So I'll just camp out there.  Trusting Him who has been faithful - that He will continue to be.  Knowing that we make plans, but God has the very best gifts in store for us.  That He promises to finish the work He began when the Coach and I promised ourselves to Him and to each other - and this family was born (over 25 years ago).  He'll never give up on us.  So we'll keep hanging on and doing the next thing and trusting Him for the future.  And taking naps whenever possible.

Happy 1st Sunday of August.

Sweet (and HOT) Summertime

These last few months have been full of so many BIG feelings at the troops.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The Coach's dad passed away in April.  Even though he had been declining, he left us so quickly, during such a strange time in the world.  We FEEL his absence. His hugs, his kisses on our cheeks, his hand on the kids' faces or heads, his words of encouragement, his notes, his teasing, his talks on history and family and His relationship with His Heavenly Father. His death gave us time with family, gathering to say goodbye (41 of us at his bedside) and eternally grateful for his legacy of faith and family.  All together for the burial, in spite of it all.

Graduation for our 5th - in a different location, but with our family and friends (and social distancing). Such a strange end to her Senior year.  Our little Valedictorian graduated with honors, after missing her last basketball state tournament, tennis season, Spring Formal, and senior trip to Boston. We were just so happy to get to see her walk across that stage.

Memorial Service for Papa. Seeing so many who were touched by his life and loved him so dearly. Sweet memories that still fill our hearts.  Hearing all 10 of his kids honor him with their words, hearts so full of thankfulness to be FAMILY.

Marriage for our 2nd - I'll never stop being thankful at the MIRACLE that their wedding date hit when it did - right when things were opening and gatherings were allowed.  All outdoors on a gorgeous June evening, with the people we love all around us. Beautiful life long memories with our girl and her future pastor.  It's fun having newlyweds around.

Vacation with our "still at home" people and my parents.  Beautiful, cool, Breckenridge.  We look forward to it all year.  We hiked less and rested more, this year.  But we sure love those morning runs in the mountains!

And now we're on the precipice of moving our boys (senior and sophomore) back to college in Shawnee and taking our baby girl to Virginia for school - for her first semester away.

Thursday?  The Coach will have his final interview and formally complete his masters in secondary school administration.  Two years of CRAZY amounts of studying for him - evenings and weekends, at the dinner table while the rest of us... well... didn't study.

And last Thursday?  Our boy had his final chemo infusion to finish 3 1/2 years of treatment for Acute Lymphoblastic Lymphoma.  One more month of oral chemo and one more Lumbar Puncture and he'll be done.  No even sure where to file that in my brain.

So lots of BIG feelings around here.  Change, progress, endings.  The stuff of life.

We went back to church for the first time on Sunday.  So strange to think we hadn't been there since Spring break.  We went out to eat for the first time for the Coach's 50th, two weeks ago.  We didn't even get take out, we ATE THERE.  Haha.

These months ALL TOGETHER have been hard, I'm not going to sugar coat it.  Close quarters, lots of kids, lots of stressful things going on.  And I think we still all like each other.  Most of the time.  Ha!

The Coach and I still love each other and he's still my favorite.  The troops all have grown in age, physical maturity, and spiritual maturity, too.  Life keeps changing.  Not even COVID and shelter at home can change that.  Even when we are all stuck at home, things still kept changing around us.

Life ending, marriages beginning, new life, all mixed up together, like it always is.

The HARD is always mixed in with the JOY.  The JOY is always peeking through in the HARD.  They don't come in isolation, they come together.  All mixed up and twisted together in some kind of craziness - that we call life. 

The HARD will continue to come. It always does.  But I'll keep looking for the JOY that I know will be there, too.  It's always there. Sometimes we just have to look harder for it.

God is good and God is faithful.  He always will be.  And he's given us above and beyond all we could imagine in blessing us with His Son and Eternity with Him - but there's joy here in THIS life, too.  

And even though I find myself praying daily for Jesus to come back and take us all to our REAL home, I'm thankful for this home, too - and these people He's given us to walk through it with.

Every day a gift.

Pandemic Diaries - Part 3

Wait, how many weeks have we been doing this?  I've lost count.  Oh well.  Here we are.

Feeling particularly uninspired this week.  It's hard to keep cooking, keep cleaning, keep saying "NO, you can't go," keep everyone quiet - while our night nurse sleeps during the day, keep from eating ALL OF THE FOOD, and keep working out every day, while maintaining some sort of daily routine.

We've enjoyed keeping up with family and our church group with technology.  Although, I've had to just take a day off now and then from Zoom and FaceTime and Facebook.  It can be exhausting.  I'm some weird combination, but more introvert than extrovert - and being with a house full of people for weeks on end is exhausting.  Even if they are the ones I love the most.

The wedding invitations were mailed this week, with lots of prayer.  THE dress arrived and was picked up.  We celebrated our third birthday since this whole mess began.  Three kids traded in and bought new (used) cards.  Our son had his four month scans, labs and treatment (all alone, since the clinic isn't allowing visitors to enter with patients).  We've worked in the yard, cleaned the grout in the bathrooms, and cleaned out and reorganized the pantry (my girls are amazing!).  I counted over 15 dozen cookies that were made and porch delivered to friends.

I would say this week there were more movies than board games.  More naps than evening walks. I think we're all tired.  The kids are working hard at doing school on their own.  It takes more time in many ways and the Coach spends about twice as much time teaching this way.  He also has his own class to work on - his last to finish his masters!

We're still all spending lots of time in the garage-turned-gym - thanks to the loan of a rower from my gym last week.  The kids were all sad when we returned it, Saturday.  Ha!  If I had any hope that this would continue past Summer, I'd order one.  But I really think once the college kids leave, my gym is open, and the other kids are back in Fall sports - home workouts won't continue.  Which is OK.  I'm thankful they are doing it, now.

We all have things going on that we can't talk about.  Our house is no different.  And this whole shelter in place thing has made even already difficult situations - be it health related or family related or age related - even harder.  I'm sad for that.  I wish we could comfort each other and hug each other and share time around the table.

But for now?  We're doing what we can.  Joining in with church online.  Depending on those who are near.  Praying for those who aren't with us.  We miss our married kids, but are thankful for technology that helps them feel closer.

This season WILL end.  I want to be inspired and motivated and productive.  But I also want to survive. Ha!  Sometimes, with 9 of us here, tensions run high and it's hard to keep forgiving and offering grace.  But that's my goal.

Only by God's grace.

Prayers appreciated for our 20 year old son who started running a fever on Friday. He's improving, thankfully was started on meds asap, and doesn't have respiratory symptoms. But it's beyond challenging to keep him separate from the rest of the family.  So.  Much.  Cleaning.

I don't know what this week will hold.  But God is in control and I trust Him.  I'm thankful that our circumstances don't determine our responses.  I'm thankful that the grace and strength that the Lord offers is unending and that His mercies are new every morning.

Pandemic Diaries - Part 2

*The one where he gets tested*

Just when I think I'm getting the hang of this new normal at the troops, the wheels fall off.  I finally sat down to pound out some of our experiences thus far on Wednesday.  That same day, our boy walked out and said, "I don't feel so good."

There was a time in my journey of mothering that I would have said, "You're fine, go back to bed."  But that was B.C. (and the "C" doesn't stand for Corona or COVID).  Any small thing is a big thing with someone who is immune compromised.  Even though I tried to brush it off (Oklahoma allergies are a category of their own!), I was obviously concerned.

A dozen phone calls later, we had picked up prescriptions and he was headed to an undisclosed location to be tested.  Alone.  With his phone turned off.  And a password.  I was both horrified and relieved.  If he DID have it, we caught it super early.  If he didn't?  We'd know soon.

For three weeks now we've been so careful.  We take temperatures every day.  Every one.  Every day.  We wipe down remotes, phones, keyboards, light switches, door knobs, handles.  Twice a day.  We take shoes off before we come in (even if the only places we've been are the neighborhood streets).  We wipe down groceries before we bring them in the garage.  We wipe down or spray every thing. Over and over again.  And then we do it, again.

I laid away at night thinking of how he could been exposed.  He's been NO WHERE.  I mean no where.  I've done all of the grocery shopping.  We've picked up food a couple of times, but wiped the containers down before bringing it in.  IF he had somehow been exposed, what was I even doing?  I'd been working so hard to keep this home safe for all of us.

There was a choice to be made.  Was I really the one keeping us safe? Sure, I'm going to keep cleaning, yelling at the kids to get hand sanitizer (and they've been SO diligent!), wash hands, and take off shoes.  I'm going to keep cleaning everything, all of the time.  But what I really needed to remember?  God is still in control.

It's easier to say, then to do, isn't it?  It's easier to say I trust the Lord, then it is to sleep at night when my mind is racing and my heart is pounding and I can't figure out what to do next.

But it's true.  Either God is God, or He's not.  Either He's good, or He's not.  Either I can trust Him, or I can't.

And I choose to trust Him.  He's never failed us.

And He won't now.

The phone call just came with the test results and HALLELUJAH, Praise the Lord, they were negative.  I'm so thankful.  Thank you so very much to all of you who were praying.  We felt it!

But God would be good even if the phone call had been a different one.  He is good because He IS GOOD.  Not because my circumstances or feelings or experiences are what I call good... He. Is. Good.

I pray every day, countless times, for protection, for wisdom for those in authority, for our healthcare providers, for those who are ill, for everyone who is out of work, for our parents, for this wedding we are planning in June to be possible. For so many things.

But regardless of what happens?  God will still be in control.  And He will still be good.  I'm so very thankful I can trust Him.

Pandemic Diaries, Part 1

We've survived week two of the shelter in place due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I've had to take days off - from reading articles and watching videos of doctors talking about how to prevent and treat this virus.  I've had countless meltdowns due to anxiety.  I've gotten frustrated at my kids and REALLY missed my quiet days alone.

Yet, we're settling in to a new normal.  It's fascinating, isn't it?  Before all of this?  I couldn't imagine how we'd make it through a trip to DC, a trip to Boston, a graduation and a wedding.  But in just one week, we went from basketball state tournaments and a house full of teammates and friends and trying to figure out when we'd have dinner...

To being home.

Just being home.

In spite of my personal opinions about government overreach and my concern about the long term effects on the economy... one of my people is high-risk.  So here we are.

We are trying to get online school completed each day (seven students - our wifi isn't happy!), keep up with laundry, meals (and dishes) for 10, and work on some things that have been neglected - the last three years, especially.  Our yard is finally getting some attention and I've cleaned out BAGS of junk from our house.

I'm thankful for time together.  LOTS OF TIME TOGETHER.  Haha!  No, I really am thankful. Mostly.  I'm thankful for food and Spring weather and Maggs to make us laugh.  For garage workouts and runs that exhaust me physically - since the hardest work of this whole thing has been mental.

I'm thankful for longer quiet times and less rushed mornings.  I'm thankful for kids who *mostly* enjoy being together.  I'm thankful for our home (which has worked fairly well, with everyone here) and our big yard.  I'm thankful for the deck to eat dinner on, when it's not raining.  I'm thankful for the basketball court and games of four-square and the bunnies hopping around the yard.

I'm thankful that my 13 year old doesn't have a phone and that he's been writing letters to his friends.  I'm thankful that our parents are all close by and we can drop groceries off and check on them, easily.

I'm thankful for the amazing way that my kids have responded. My little senior girl has seen her classes be moved online, her Spring formal canceled, and her senior trip to Boston, postponed.  My sixth grader's trip is canceled, as well.

I'm thankful for coffee and sleeping in - even if we've determined that everyone DOES need to be up at a reasonable time.  Seven o'clock in the morning is LOVELY.  I haven't seen 6:00 in ages.

I'm thankful that in spite of allergies and a couple of sinus infections, we've been WELL.  So so thankful we've been well.

I'm thankful for our boy's doctors, PAs and nurses, who continue to be there to care for their patients. Thursday, he'll head to chemo.  What a strange time this is.  We have to be screened in our vehicle for fever and symptoms.  Every hospital and clinic is on lock-down.  But his treatments are considered essential and he'll have scans in April, as well.  Pray with us that he will be protected from this virus.

I'm thankful for my little NICU nurse.  Praying for her and her guy as they continue to plan a June wedding, but have no idea what the future will hold.  Wedding invites will go out, as planned.  Thankful God is on His throne and we can trust Him.

The Coach is going in to work one day a week to record his lessons to post each day, but is otherwise attempting to work at home - with 9 other people, the noise, and the crashing wifi.  Love him.  He wants to limit his exposure and risk - because of our boy.  Our school has worked SO hard to keep classes going.  It's been an amazing endeavor.

I'm thankful for evening walks (even in the light rain, last night) and longer dinnertimes around the table - because there's no other place to be. I'm thankful that both boys are moved out of their dorms and their stuff is here.  I AM thankful. I AM.  Haha!  Now to find somewhere to put it all.  Praying for them, too - they weren't planning on living at home for over 5 months.

It's funny, isn't it?  I went from not being able to keep up with all of the events, games, and appointments... to being HOME.  So strange.  Not bad.  Just strange.

I suppose we will grieve the losses of these weeks for a long, long time.  But in the meantime, I'm going to purpose to be thankful.  And to trust the One who holds it all.  For now, He's given me the gift of time with my people - how amazing is that?