I miss it.

Reading a post on Instagram today, I was reminded of how I used to crawl into bed at night and ask the Coach, "We'll make it, right?"  The first year our son was fighting cancer, I quit asking.  It became harder to ask and the answer might not have been what I wanted to hear.  

But I'm still thinking it.  So often, I'm thinking it.  I want security and safety and I want things to stay enough the same that they feel comfortable to me.

How unfortunate for me that life isn't like that AT ALL.  Ha!  Not much about life (especially with 16 of us, now) is secure.  It's definitely not safe!  If I wanted safety, I shouldn't have married or had eight kids to begin with.  And honestly?  No one is promised any of those things.  They say the only things we can be sure of are death and taxes.  But there's one more thing you're guaranteed in this life... change.

I went down a rabbit trail reading old posts.  I miss writing here.  I miss the funny things the kids did that prompted the writings.  The days at home with little ones who needed me.  The laundry (well, we still seem to keep the baskets bizarrely full with just four of us), the endless meals and school projects and basketball games and dishes.  For the first time since roughly 2004?  We don't have a basketball player in the house.  Sad.

I miss it all because it meant my people were all here.  My people.  In their noisy, messy chaos.  And I loved it.  And in spite of my many failings?  I was good at managing it all.  I didn't see that THEN, of course.  It felt wildly out of control.  But it was relatively... well... amazing.  And I thrived there.  

This season has it wonder and delights, as well.  No doubt about it!   Being Marmee is the joy of my life, currently.  I adore those babies and I'm so blessed to have flexibility to be a part of their sweet little lives.  God gives the best gifts.  

But for the most part, it's quiet here, now.  I look back, read those posts and think how I loved those days being their momma.  I've loved watching them grow up, too.  I've loved watching them one by one as they've found their person and started lives on their own.  It's beautiful.  

But it's a lot of change.  And it's happened so fast.

I guess that's what I'm thinking tonight.  In the end?  We've made it.  Not that we don't have lots of life left (those grandsons are the best!), but we've survived the parenting season, for the most part.  The two who are left might be pushing us to the limits?  But we're old and seasoned and it takes a lot to rattle us at this point.  My money is on the Coach and me.  We'll make it.  

If I could have understood - in those days when all of the kids had the flu at once - how fast it would go?  If I could have seen that it was just a breath - and I'd look back years later - and miss it?  That I would be laughing at some of the things that were making me cry, at the time?

Probably wouldn't have made it any easier, honestly.  

But from this end?  I'm so thankful.  So so thankful.  For all of it.  What sweet days and what sweet memories. Even the hard ones.

No matter where you are in YOUR journey?  Home with little ones or sitting in the quiet empty nest?  You'll make it, too.  God is good and God is faithful.  You can trust Him.

It's Either/Or for Me

Since my last post, we've added our first grandbaby (born in October of 2021) our 3rd daughter-in-law (Son #4 married in June) and our 2nd grandbaby, born also in June.  We now have four married kids, four bonus kids (so much to be thankful for, there!), two in college (daughters #5, #6), two in highschool and two grandsons (11 months and 3 months old).

And here we are, once again in somewhat of a difficult season in our home... for various reasons... and I find myself turning back to what I know is true. 

Either God is good, or He's not.

Either I trust Him, or I don't.

If God IS good (spoiler alert, He IS), then whatever I'm in the midst of has been filtered through His loving hand.  Nothing has touched me (or my kids) that He has not allowed.  Even if the origin of that thing is sin, death, destruction, sickness, the evil of others, or just a fallen world... it's not outside of God's sovereign hand in my life.

Either I CHOOSE - in this very moment - when things don't make sense... to trust God.  Or I don't.

P.S.  He is faithful.

So what this really does?  It pushes me back on His promises.  It's a good place to land.  He goes before.  He prepares the way.  He walks with me every step.  (Read about Joseph - Genesis 50:20)  He PROMISES these things to me.  I can land there and it will be safe and secure - no matter the raging storm around me.

He will never leave me or forsake me. (Deut. 31:6)

He has GOOD plans for me. (Jer. 29:11)

He will finish the work He has begun in my life (or in the lives of my kids). (Phil. 1:6)

He is in control. (Hebrews 2:5-9)

Nothing, no NOTHING, can separate me from His love. (Rom. 8:38-39)

I am safe and secure in Him. (John 10:29)

And when I remember His promises... it helps me choose - once again - to trust Him.  He is so faithful.  

I can choose to look back and remember His faithfulness in the past... the Coach and I have walked through a lot with these kids of ours - and we've never once, not even for a second, been without the comfort of the Holy Spirit and the tangible presence of Christ.  We've had the power of His Word, we've been tranformed through worship, we've experienced the hands and feet of Jesus through those He's sent to help.

So today?  None of that has changed.

God is good.

I can trust Him.

I WILL CHOOSE to trust Him.  And He will continue to be faithful.  No matter when this current difficulty takes us and no matter the outcome.  I will HOLD FAST - because nothing, NO NOTHING, can separate me from His love.  And that's enough.

If you're facing a difficult season, can I make a suggestion?  Or a few of them?

1.  Get in God's Word.  Whether that's reading one psalm or a yearly bible plan or an in depth Bible study.  Whether you sit with it, read a little or a lot, or have the audio of it playing in the background - get in God's Word.

2.  Worship.  Listen to City Alight or Maverick City or the Gettys or whatever you like.  Turn it on in the car, while you do dishes, while you shower.  Fill you heart with worship.

3.  Pray.  Can I be honest?  There have been times in my life when the only prayer I could utter was, "Help, Jesus."  And you know what?  That's a great prayer.  If you can't find the words, ask those who love you to lift you up in prayer.  We have been sustained by the prayers of others too many times to count.  

4.  Remember.  Write down God's faithfulness to you in the past.  How He's led, guided, comforted you in difficult seasons.  We should all have our "pile of stones" to return to, so we don't forget how He's rescued us.

5.  Be thankful.  No matter how bad it is, find something to be thankful for.  Thank God that the sun still rises or that you have coffee (even if sleep is no where to be found).  Thank Him for His mercies that are new every morning.  Thank Him for Jesus.  Even if everthing else is taken from us and all else is lost (Read about Job - Job 1:21), we have a Savior who loves us.  Thank God for that.

Somehow... day by day... moment by moment... this too shall pass.  Things may never be the same and we may come through with scars, but God will still be there on the other side.  One day we'll look back on this as yet another time we learned to lean harder on Jesus and trust Him more.  And that's just one more thing to be thankful for.

Happy Wednesday.

The club I want out of…

I'm part of a club.  It's not a fun club, we don't read books together or share coffee.  We don't even see each other very often.  We mostly text and message.  I don't know about the other members, but most of my tears on their behalf are when I'm alone.

We help each other with managing our kids' pain and nausea.  We share doctor's names and hospital tips.  We share clinic experiences and how to get through another day.  We talk about PICC vs. port. Sounds fun, right?

I didn't turn in an application to be in this club.  My membership didn't have to be approved.  I didn't even WANT to be in this club, but no one even asked me.  How rude!  In fact, I've tried countless times to get kicked out.  

Can I be honest?  Some days I’ve wanted to ignore those texts and messages.  Some days, I've felt like saying no.  I can't do it. Not one more.  Nope.

Mostly though?  I've been blessed by this club.  Not because it's fun or entertaining... in fact, it's one of the hardest things I've done.  But it's not outside of God's providence that I'm a member.  And He has an amazing way of working all things for our good and His glory.  I can be thankful for THAT - even if I'm still trying to find a way to get out of this club.

Today I watched another member of this club say goodbye for now to her precious son.  I watched online.  I'll admit, I didn't go because I'm tired of crying.  I'm tired of trying NOT to cry.  I am OH SO TIRED of funerals.  

The good news?  This world may be full of death and dying, but because of JESUS we have eternal hope for redemption, salvation, NEW bodies (we won't be sick, anymore!), a heavenly home, and the presence of Christ.  Forever.

I can't fix the death and dying here on earth.  I can't eat well enough, or drink enough water, or exercise my way out of it.  We're all headed for the same end.  My boy?  He's healthy and strong.  Today.  My friend's boy (and so many others!)?  Is already in heaven with Jesus.  It's heart-breaking, but it's reality.  You don't have to live long to know this truth.  This life doesn't last.

SO MANY of you are in this club with me.  You know who you are.  We all hate it.  We all want out.  We all want our kids to be healed here on earth and cancer free for the rest of their lives.  We beg God for it and sometimes we get the answer we so desperately want.  Sometimes... we don't.

It's not the only club no one wants to be in.  I get that.  I have so many friends who are widows.  So many who have buried their children.  So many with chronic illness.  No one wants to be those clubs, either.  But here we are.  

I may hate this club with all that is in me.  But I'll still answer the phone, read and answer your text or message, and PRAY for your child, your friend's child, your family member, your friend.  I'll grieve with you when the hard days come, the diagnosis, the admissions, even if you face the unthinkable.  Because I'm in the cancer mom club.  It's what we do.

  

Always a Learner Be

I'm sitting out in the early March afternoon sun - light coming through the still bare branches. Watching Maggs sleep by my feet on the deck, turning my chair so the breeze doesn't blow my hair into my face. Thinking about this long winter... who am I kidding?  This long YEAR.  So thankful for the promise of Spring.  I think it's finally here.

February brought an opportunity to learn to be more intentional - and it surprised me how even the things I would have said, "I always do that," weren't always being done.  My best efforts often failed.  My determination to do better kept disappearing, as the hours turned into another busy day, as the busy days became weeks, and as weeks morphed into months.

It's been a long, hard four years here at the troops.  There's been SO much joy and so many good gifts.  But there's also been a lot of just surviving, too. 

One thing about having a big family AND getting older - is that if the phase you are in is uncomfortable, a new one will be here soon.  Maybe harder, maybe less demanding but it will be different.  The constant is that it's always changing.  Winter may be long and dark and cold, but Spring will come.

Just this morning I was talking to one of the kids (they'll always be kids, even though we now have FOUR in their 20's - what in the world?), about how regardless of how fast time goes or what season you're in... whether you are in school or college, or engaged or married, starting a career or finishing up year 28 in your vocation (like the Coach)... never stop being a learner.

Knowing our need for Jesus, our need for wisdom, our need for grace... knowing ALL we can learn from God's Word and the moving of the Holy Spirit and the wise counsel that we can glean from others...you never out grow those things.  Not at 21, not at 47, not ever.  Read your Bible, read books, listen to podcasts, listen to sermons, read more books, really LISTEN to people - who have already been where you are and have learned well along the way.

I've always told my kids to learn from those around them - positive and negative. Something they've all seen is that arrogance and lack of accountability never serve us well.  There's huge need for humility when you live with 9 other people, who are all different than you are!  Thinking we know all and can do all and have all and be all is a sure path to destruction.  God didn't create us to do it on our own.  He created us to depend on HIM.  When we are weak, then HE is strong.  The opposite of arrogance and pride?  Humility and a willingness to learn.  A desire to learn.  A heart that says, no matter how well I do this, I want to do it better.  No matter how well I love people, I want to love them more.  No matter how many opportunities I have to bring glory to the name of Christ, I never want to stop looking for more ways to honor Him.  The Coach is a beautiful example of this quality.  He strives for excellence in every area of his life.

And that's what I pray for my kids.  

I find it easier to be humble, the older I get. I know I'm such a mess. I know more about how little I know... every single day.  But I look at my kids and see these amazing, God-following, wise, intelligent, young men and women - and I know they need Jesus just as desperately.  They must be determined not to give pride and arrogance a foothold. So I keep telling them... always learn, always grow, never think you have it all figured out.  Pursue humility and have a learner's heart.  Pursue JESUS.  Because in light of HIS righteousness, holiness, perfection... we're not so amazing.  But OH how amazing He is.

So I remind myself today, as I work on losing weight... AGAIN.  As I seek to continue to grow discipline in my daily life.  As I plan and prepare and organize and budget.  As I work on more consistent journaling and writing.  As I think about what race will be next for the Coach and I (one of the many things we've missed in the last year).  That I must always be a learner.

I'd love to hear what part of God's Word, Bible study, book, podcast, etc. YOU are learning from this week!  Leave me a comment, so I can keep learning along with you. 

Happy Wednesday!

Snowpocalypse 2021

In the year that just keeps on giving (also known as 2020, month 14), our state is currently under an unprecedented (so tired of that word) arctic snow storm.  The coldest temperatures in over 100 years, two weeks under freezing temps and a decent amount of snow fall - with another round headed our way, as I type.

Another unprecedented part of this event is that we only have a few of the kids stuck at home with us.  Not 10 of us in the house, not even 8.  Since Little Man schemed to get snowed in at his cousins' house (and it worked!!), just five of us.  So strange.

Thankfully, we've been exempt from the rolling power outages this far.  Only one bathroom froze up - and that was quickly warmed. We've had the thermostat turned down and most lights out, but we've been able to stay warm to work and do school.

Most of all, it's reminded me once again - will I ever learn? - that focusing on what we are thankful for can  make ALL of the difference.  I so quickly head down the path of frustration and disappointment.  When, in fact, there really is ALWAYS something to be thankful for.  Even if everything in this life passes away (and it WILL some day!) we still have Jesus.  Our eternal salvation.  Our heavenly hope. Things seem pretty bleak on lots of fronts.  But God is still on His throne and we can trust Him. 

Four month scans for our boy are postponed another week.  Just like we rescheduled for our two covid quarantines, we'll have to catch up for this week, as well.  "Normal" seems but a memory.  But we were able to celebrate our oldest girl's 24th on Sunday afternoon, before the storm rolled in - with all of our in-town kids and our parents.  So thankful.

In the meantime, we're going to snuggle up near the fire with our blankets and coffee. We're going to text the kids who aren't here. We're going to play another game and watch another old movie.  Eat more soup, or chili, or soup.... ha!  And as we choose thankfulness each moment, choosing to enjoy the gifts of each moment... those moments will turn into days... and before we know it?  Spring.

We have hope for two more graduations and another wedding and time with the people we love the most this Spring.  All gifts. Spring last year was pretty rough!  Ha! But even the promise of Spring isn't where I'm placing my hope.  There will be something to be grateful for no matter what.

Always.

The snow has started falling... and the kids just started Pride and Prejudice.  Think I'll join them!  

Stay safe and warm!  

This Christmas...

I snuck outside this afternoon to sit in the last few rays of sunshine on the back deck, before the sun dropped behind the trees.  The weather is perfect today. Sunshine and blue skies and 64 degrees.  Such a contrast to last week, when we had inches of fluffy snow!  A perfect day to throw open the windows and vacuum the house... after having puny kids for a week or so.  Or maybe a month.  It's all running together at this point.

We've never had such a quiet, slow-paced week before Christmas.  I feel sure I'm missing something.  I've never had time to just sit and watch a movie (or 4 seasons of Grey's Anatomy - don't ask.  :-/).  I've made Christmas goodies TWICE. Turns out making them a week before Christmas when everyone is home all day long?  Means they are eaten in two days.  And it's still not Christmas.  

All of the gifts are bought and wrapped and only one thing hasn't come, yet.  What IS this Christmas calm?  I don't recognize it.  I feel ill at ease and anxious because WHAT AM I MISSING?  When the troops were all tiny, the Coach I spent our anniversary shopping and wrapped everything on December 23rd.  Those were the days.  Not to mention that one year when Son #3 was a baby and the washer water line burst in the middle of night/early Christmas morning and our kitchen flooded.  Or the year we SLID all the way to Edmond to family Christmas.  Or the many, many years when Daughter #2 was sick on Christmas.  It was definitely her "thing."

So I AM missing a few things...

12-15 basketball games every week, including Saturdays - for years on end.  We just have ONE basketball player this year.  And Jr. High basketball, when he's only suiting up every other game?  Pretty chill.

Christmas Parties and Banquets.  So strange that we haven't dressed up one time.  I'm not even sure where my real pants are, at this point. Not to mention, after wearing leggings and joggers for so long (and doing so much cooking and baking), I'm fairly confident my real pants won't even fit.  No school program (no kids in elementary any more), no kids in choir or band, no company banquet.  When you add it all up? It's a lot of evenings at home, compared to years past.  So strange.

Dentist, orthodontist, dermatologist appointments, etc. etc.  Because is this age of COVID, no one wants you to come near their office, if anyone in your house isn't well.  Covid or not.  So strange.  And this one in particular is going to catch up with us after the holidays, for sure.  Because school vacations are the time to get all of the doctor's appointments done!

Chemo, Labs, Scans, and Prescription refills. It's somewhat eye opening to realize how much of my life I've spent doing all of those things the last 3 1/2 years.  There's a huge surplus of time in that area that I didn't realize I was missing.  It's bizarre.  And wonderful.  My heart is overflowing with thankfulness this Christmas for healthy kids.

Time with Extended Family.  Ugh.  Thanksgiving was canceled.  We DID enjoy time with just our troops - so very much.  But we miss our big family, too.  Christmas?  Looks different this year, too.  Our first Christmas without Papa here.  And it will be different in so many other ways, as well.

So maybe there is something behind all of the extra time?  The feeling more "caught up" than I have in awhile, the feeling that something is missing?  Some of the things that we are missing are kind of nice.  Others are sad.  But never before has there been a better opportunity to be grateful in all things.  To rejoice in celebration of the birth of our Savior.  A greater realization of our NEED for redemption will hopefully lead to a greater thankfulness and deeper love for Christ and others.  

This Christmas may look different at your house, too.  But God is the same yesterday, today, and forever and HE will never leave you or forsake you.  He is faithful.  Always.

Merry Christmas from our Troops to yours.  

Sometimes I say to myself, "SELF... Listen Up."

The Coach got hearing aides this year.  I don't think he'd mind you knowing.  Well, I hope he doesn't.  Anyway,  I had such high hopes.  Being able to call him from the other room.  Having him hear me tell him about my day and knowing he wouldn't miss the crazy conversations around the dinner table.  Not repeating things over and over.  And over.

At his first follow up with the audiologist, they went over the adjustments he'd made to the levels. The whole thing is VERY fancy - you can adjust them, using your phone, depending on where you are, the kinds of sounds, etc.  The audiologist looked at the information from his first week and said, "Wow.  Your house is loud." 

If he only knew.

I tattled on him during a football game, to his ENT - whose grandson is in our youngest's class. "I was so excited when he got them!" I told him, "But he takes them out when he gets home."

He just laughed.

It's like that, isn't it?  Often, those at home - who we are safe with - get us at our worst.  When we relax.  When we don't listen as carefully.  When we're tired and our tempers are short.  When we change out of our nice clothes and put on our joggers.  When we take out our contacts.  

Maybe we are the least patient with those who love us the most. But then that makes the love of those who see us in THOSE moments, even more precious.

Having adult kids that live at home has its distinct challenges.  They've lived on their own, made their own schedules, routines and decisions.  They haven't had to ask if they can go out or tell someone when they'll be home.  No worries about being quiet when they come in, or waking someone up in the morning when they leave. Then they move home and (gasp!) have to actually consider how what they do effects those around them.  

Our oldest left home his first Fall after high school - and only spent one Summer home with us before he got married after college graduation.  Our daughter graduated and lived at home for a year before she got married. And worked nights at a nurse most of that year.  Now our third is home, after finishing his classes for his degree - only student teaching left this Spring. He'll be living at home until his wedding in May.  

All of these seasons with the adult kids have been good.  There has been hard, too, but lots of good.  I'm thankful for the time with them before they move on and don't call this "home" anymore. And then they come back and it's even better. 

I'm not even sure what my point is with all of this.  I guess I think back to when I started writing this blog when Little Man was a baby.  And now he's 13.  THIRTEEN.  I have no idea.

I think about our journey as parents of 8 kids, 11 and under, - to parents of two married kids and three college kids and two high school kids and our baby in Jr. High.  What a ride.  I think about how I always wanted to have 12 kids... and in May we'll have 11.  I love them all so much - the original 8 and the three additions.  

Mostly, I think about how God has been so faithful as we've gone from young marrieds with babies to old marrieds with hearing aides.  How God's goodness has been the constant through it all. Every season. I've truly loved every minute.

And I'm also tired. And sometimes, when the kids still at home assert their "independence," (Which they don't really have because, you know, we're still funding their lives.  Sigh.) I wonder if it's worth it.  I want to give up.  I don't want to deal with the fall out of the trauma our kids have experienced.  It's ridiculously hard - and I grow weary asking God for more grace more strength more perseverance more HELP trying to figure out what matters and what doesn't.

But I'm pretty sure this is it.  This is what matters.  Living life together and seeking to somehow bring God glory through all of the things - the laughter and the tears.  Enjoying the time when we have all of our people together. And missing them when we aren't.  Celebrating birthdays, engagements, weddings. graduations, and LIFE.  Together. 

No season lasts forever.  But this one is pretty great.