So Many Things

On Friday, the Coach and I worshipped with friends as they celebrated the life of their son who passed away after suffering from a traumatic brain injury for four and a half years.  We had prayed for his healing here on earth - he's now fully restored and healed and in the presence of Jesus.  A young life worth celebrating - and a faithful God worth worshipping.

I can't imagine the heart ache of losing a child.  I've watched way too many people that I love walk that road.  The holidays are especially painful.  Not that you can rate the daily pain in any real way.  It's all horrible and unbearable.  

Others I love have experienced estrangement and relational separation from their child.  I can't imagine that pain, either.  We've watched God restore in some of those lives.  Others remain unresolved.  I understand more every day what a sweet friend said to me when our son was so sick.  "At least it's just physical."  At the time, that confused me.  Our pain was so raw.  But I know what she meant.  We had our relationship with him and we all had our relationships with the Lord.  Broken relationships can be some of the most painful things we experience in this life.

I don't understand so many things.  We have our boy.  I'm thankful every day.  When I watch him with his precious little family and that darling baby - I am fully aware of the fact that it's a gift.  An unexpected and undeserved gift from God.  He's here with us and we've had the joy of watching him grow, marry, become a father... I don't take it for granted.  It's an unspeakable gift.

That doesn't take away from the pain that so many others are experiencing without their children this Christmas.  I wake in the night and early in the morning - and I pray for them.  I don't understand.  But I trust that God meets them in their suffering. 

I will never say that there's a reason for it all.  The only reason I see is that this world is broken. Sin brought death into this world - and we see it all around us.  Accidents, cancer, illness... it's all an effect of sin being in this world.  We can't avoid death - even though we can sometimes postpone it for a later date.  Sin brought death and death is waiting for all of us.

Every single day - but especially in the Christmas season - I'm reminded both of the blessing of healthy kids and the suffering of the precious people I love who have children in heaven - that GOD BECAME MAN and dwelt among us.  

The suffering doesn't make sense to me.  So many things don't.  Never will.

But I have hope.  Jesus, the incarnation of God, came to our broken world and died on our behalf so that we can experience LIFE.  Eternal life, absolutely.  But also life here and now.  We can walk in the midst of heart ache and suffering and death - and still have hope.  That's such a miracle to me.

So many have asked us how we walked that road with our son - a dismal diagnosis and the treatment that followed for three and a half years.  So many hospital stays and ER visits and more pain and tears than I can count.  I don't really know, honestly. We believed that God was in control and we trusted Him, whatever the outcome.  Which I realize is so easy to say on THIS side of it all.  When we still have our boy with us.  So many don't.  I feel that every single day.

So many things I don't understand.  But a God who loves us.  He gave HIS son for all of us.  In some tiny human way?  I get that.  I get watching your child suffer.  I understand the hopelessness of it all.  But I'm so very thankful that I can see the ending.  The redemption.  The HOPE.  The life.

If you are suffering this Christmas season, I'm praying for you.  I don't understand so many things.  But GOD offers us His Son, His presence, His HOPE.  Take hold of that and don't let go.  

Merry Christmas.

Happy 28th, Coach!

The Coach and I celebrate 28 years, today.  After a whirlwind courtship and an 8 week engagement, on a beautiful sunny December Saturday, the Coach and I became husband and wife.  We really didn't know each other, but we knew the important things.  I knew he loved God and wanted to obey whatever calling God placed on his life.  He's been faithful to that every day since.  And I still laugh thinking about when Elisabeth Elliot Gren asked me (when discussing our courtship), "But are you attracted to him?"  Haha!  Yes.  That, too.  

We're not perfect, our marriage isn't perfect, but we've learned a lot in 28 years.  I enjoy every moment with him.  We love to work side by side, and both of us feel like things haven't really happened until with share them with each other.  The Coach has grown into the most thoughtful, kind partner.  His determination to do right is still there, but it's become tempered with an abundance of grace. I'm so thankful, because I've needed a lot of grace!

If I could say one thing about how I've grown as a wife - from my perspective, not his - I would say I've learned to communicate my expectations more clearly.  And I think I've learned to give HIM a lot more grace.

When we had so many little ones and he was coaching two sports - I was often upset when he had to work late or be gone every evening.  It was hard!  All of these years later, I realize his heart is to do the best he can at whatever God has given him to do.  Coaching, teaching, leading... and he's learned to direct that desire to be the best he can be to our marriage and to our parenting, as well.  I couldn't be more thankful for the husband and father he is.  He never quits working to learn and grow and invest in all of us.

And without babies hanging on my legs at 6 pm every evening?  It's certainly easier to be happy when he walks in the door - no matter what time that is.  Every day together is a gift.

One year ago today, we were in Florida on an anniversary trip together - such a sweet few days in the sun.  This year we're home with a houseful and planning for an even fuller house next week.  I'm so grateful for all of it.  The special days and the every day ones.  The trips and the mornings at home.  I would love to have another 28 years of it all.  

We've had some rough years in the last 28.  But I'm thankful for this especially sweet season - with grown kids and the grand babies that bring SO much joy.  My Coach is such a handsome Pops.  Ha!

And for now?  I'm going to refill my coffee and tell the Coach, once again, how thankful I am for this life we share.  Such a sweet gift from God.

Merry Chirstmas!

Every Day a Gift

When you've faced your own mortality (or your child's), it changes your perspective on life.  Like a LOT.  I remember in the darkest of the dark days, thinking, "OK.  Today is a gift and we're going to find the JOY."  And for the most part?  I think we did.

I wish those kinds of lessons continued to "stick" as time passes.  But I'm forgetful.  And if I'm not careful, I'm so soon back to feeling less than gift-like about my day to day life.

Truly we aren't promised tomorrow.  Psalm 39 says “O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!  Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you.  Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!"

Even though today IS a gift, I may still have to drag myself out of bed regardless of whether or not I slept well.

Even though today IS a gift, the clothes and dishes and houses will still get dirty and must be cleaned.

Even though today IS a gift, everyone will still wants to eat 3 meals a day.

Maybe it's less about living every day in a picture perfect Hallmark movie (and I'm a big fan - ha!) and more about finding the GIFT in the messy reality.  Is it truly possible to live above your circumstances?  I believe it is.  My execution of that is somehwat elusive.  Can I be joyful when I don't feel well?  Can I be faithful when someone is disloyal?  Can I forgive when behavior doesn't change?  Can I love when I'm not loved in return?

I'm grateful that later on in Psalm 39, we read, "And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?  My hope is in you."

Because even though I'm less than a "gift" to my family most days, I can still find hope.  God doesn't redeem us and leave us to ourselves.  He continues to work and move and refine and grow us.  

So if today feels like less than a gift at your house?  Trust that God still has a purpose and a plan for THIS DAY.  He can be honored and glorified in your life no matter what this day holds.  Even in the tired messes and the messy relationships.

I'm so thankful for hope.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

In just a couple of weeks, the troops will assemble again - to celebrate Christmas.  I can't wait.  When Son #4 got married this Summer, the only time all of us were together was at the actual wedding.  I may not like it, but that is reality with a big family - there are jobs and kids and obligations that keep us from being together as often as we'd like.

And since that last Summer wedding, we've welcomed another grandson into the troops.  Our original 10 now number 16.  How awesome is that?

I can't wait to hug all of their necks - and my favorite things of all?  To watch them all together, laughing, talking, giving each other a hard time (always).  Playing with the babies and doing puzzles and eating cinnamon rolls.  It's truly the best gift I could every receive.

But the best thing of all?  Is that when they all leave and go back to their own homes - I'll miss them terribly - but I'll still be sitting here beside my Coach, thankful every day to be his wife, enjoying life with him, even though we're old and crazy tired.

Each time this song plays in my Christmas playlist, it reminds me.  So. Very. Blessed.  I truly do have all I want for Christmas.  

So yes, things keep changing here at the troops.  The day to day is quieter.  The times we're all together are even crazier.  But at the end of the day, we're about to celebrate 28 years together - and it just keeps getting sweeter.

I miss it.

Reading a post on Instagram today, I was reminded of how I used to crawl into bed at night and ask the Coach, "We'll make it, right?"  The first year our son was fighting cancer, I quit asking.  It became harder to ask and the answer might not have been what I wanted to hear.  

But I'm still thinking it.  So often, I'm thinking it.  I want security and safety and I want things to stay enough the same that they feel comfortable to me.

How unfortunate for me that life isn't like that AT ALL.  Ha!  Not much about life (especially with 16 of us, now) is secure.  It's definitely not safe!  If I wanted safety, I shouldn't have married or had eight kids to begin with.  And honestly?  No one is promised any of those things.  They say the only things we can be sure of are death and taxes.  But there's one more thing you're guaranteed in this life... change.

I went down a rabbit trail reading old posts.  I miss writing here.  I miss the funny things the kids did that prompted the writings.  The days at home with little ones who needed me.  The laundry (well, we still seem to keep the baskets bizarrely full with just four of us), the endless meals and school projects and basketball games and dishes.  For the first time since roughly 2004?  We don't have a basketball player in the house.  Sad.

I miss it all because it meant my people were all here.  My people.  In their noisy, messy chaos.  And I loved it.  And in spite of my many failings?  I was good at managing it all.  I didn't see that THEN, of course.  It felt wildly out of control.  But it was relatively... well... amazing.  And I thrived there.  

This season has it wonder and delights, as well.  No doubt about it!   Being Marmee is the joy of my life, currently.  I adore those babies and I'm so blessed to have flexibility to be a part of their sweet little lives.  God gives the best gifts.  

But for the most part, it's quiet here, now.  I look back, read those posts and think how I loved those days being their momma.  I've loved watching them grow up, too.  I've loved watching them one by one as they've found their person and started lives on their own.  It's beautiful.  

But it's a lot of change.  And it's happened so fast.

I guess that's what I'm thinking tonight.  In the end?  We've made it.  Not that we don't have lots of life left (those grandsons are the best!), but we've survived the parenting season, for the most part.  The two who are left might be pushing us to the limits?  But we're old and seasoned and it takes a lot to rattle us at this point.  My money is on the Coach and me.  We'll make it.  

If I could have understood - in those days when all of the kids had the flu at once - how fast it would go?  If I could have seen that it was just a breath - and I'd look back years later - and miss it?  That I would be laughing at some of the things that were making me cry, at the time?

Probably wouldn't have made it any easier, honestly.  

But from this end?  I'm so thankful.  So so thankful.  For all of it.  What sweet days and what sweet memories. Even the hard ones.

No matter where you are in YOUR journey?  Home with little ones or sitting in the quiet empty nest?  You'll make it, too.  God is good and God is faithful.  You can trust Him.

It's Either/Or for Me

Since my last post, we've added our first grandbaby (born in October of 2021) our 3rd daughter-in-law (Son #4 married in June) and our 2nd grandbaby, born also in June.  We now have four married kids, four bonus kids (so much to be thankful for, there!), two in college (daughters #5, #6), two in highschool and two grandsons (11 months and 3 months old).

And here we are, once again in somewhat of a difficult season in our home... for various reasons... and I find myself turning back to what I know is true. 

Either God is good, or He's not.

Either I trust Him, or I don't.

If God IS good (spoiler alert, He IS), then whatever I'm in the midst of has been filtered through His loving hand.  Nothing has touched me (or my kids) that He has not allowed.  Even if the origin of that thing is sin, death, destruction, sickness, the evil of others, or just a fallen world... it's not outside of God's sovereign hand in my life.

Either I CHOOSE - in this very moment - when things don't make sense... to trust God.  Or I don't.

P.S.  He is faithful.

So what this really does?  It pushes me back on His promises.  It's a good place to land.  He goes before.  He prepares the way.  He walks with me every step.  (Read about Joseph - Genesis 50:20)  He PROMISES these things to me.  I can land there and it will be safe and secure - no matter the raging storm around me.

He will never leave me or forsake me. (Deut. 31:6)

He has GOOD plans for me. (Jer. 29:11)

He will finish the work He has begun in my life (or in the lives of my kids). (Phil. 1:6)

He is in control. (Hebrews 2:5-9)

Nothing, no NOTHING, can separate me from His love. (Rom. 8:38-39)

I am safe and secure in Him. (John 10:29)

And when I remember His promises... it helps me choose - once again - to trust Him.  He is so faithful.  

I can choose to look back and remember His faithfulness in the past... the Coach and I have walked through a lot with these kids of ours - and we've never once, not even for a second, been without the comfort of the Holy Spirit and the tangible presence of Christ.  We've had the power of His Word, we've been tranformed through worship, we've experienced the hands and feet of Jesus through those He's sent to help.

So today?  None of that has changed.

God is good.

I can trust Him.

I WILL CHOOSE to trust Him.  And He will continue to be faithful.  No matter when this current difficulty takes us and no matter the outcome.  I will HOLD FAST - because nothing, NO NOTHING, can separate me from His love.  And that's enough.

If you're facing a difficult season, can I make a suggestion?  Or a few of them?

1.  Get in God's Word.  Whether that's reading one psalm or a yearly bible plan or an in depth Bible study.  Whether you sit with it, read a little or a lot, or have the audio of it playing in the background - get in God's Word.

2.  Worship.  Listen to City Alight or Maverick City or the Gettys or whatever you like.  Turn it on in the car, while you do dishes, while you shower.  Fill you heart with worship.

3.  Pray.  Can I be honest?  There have been times in my life when the only prayer I could utter was, "Help, Jesus."  And you know what?  That's a great prayer.  If you can't find the words, ask those who love you to lift you up in prayer.  We have been sustained by the prayers of others too many times to count.  

4.  Remember.  Write down God's faithfulness to you in the past.  How He's led, guided, comforted you in difficult seasons.  We should all have our "pile of stones" to return to, so we don't forget how He's rescued us.

5.  Be thankful.  No matter how bad it is, find something to be thankful for.  Thank God that the sun still rises or that you have coffee (even if sleep is no where to be found).  Thank Him for His mercies that are new every morning.  Thank Him for Jesus.  Even if everthing else is taken from us and all else is lost (Read about Job - Job 1:21), we have a Savior who loves us.  Thank God for that.

Somehow... day by day... moment by moment... this too shall pass.  Things may never be the same and we may come through with scars, but God will still be there on the other side.  One day we'll look back on this as yet another time we learned to lean harder on Jesus and trust Him more.  And that's just one more thing to be thankful for.

Happy Wednesday.