Pandemic Diaries - Part 2

*The one where he gets tested*

Just when I think I'm getting the hang of this new normal at the troops, the wheels fall off.  I finally sat down to pound out some of our experiences thus far on Wednesday.  That same day, our boy walked out and said, "I don't feel so good."

There was a time in my journey of mothering that I would have said, "You're fine, go back to bed."  But that was B.C. (and the "C" doesn't stand for Corona or COVID).  Any small thing is a big thing with someone who is immune compromised.  Even though I tried to brush it off (Oklahoma allergies are a category of their own!), I was obviously concerned.

A dozen phone calls later, we had picked up prescriptions and he was headed to an undisclosed location to be tested.  Alone.  With his phone turned off.  And a password.  I was both horrified and relieved.  If he DID have it, we caught it super early.  If he didn't?  We'd know soon.

For three weeks now we've been so careful.  We take temperatures every day.  Every one.  Every day.  We wipe down remotes, phones, keyboards, light switches, door knobs, handles.  Twice a day.  We take shoes off before we come in (even if the only places we've been are the neighborhood streets).  We wipe down groceries before we bring them in the garage.  We wipe down or spray every thing. Over and over again.  And then we do it, again.

I laid away at night thinking of how he could been exposed.  He's been NO WHERE.  I mean no where.  I've done all of the grocery shopping.  We've picked up food a couple of times, but wiped the containers down before bringing it in.  IF he had somehow been exposed, what was I even doing?  I'd been working so hard to keep this home safe for all of us.

There was a choice to be made.  Was I really the one keeping us safe? Sure, I'm going to keep cleaning, yelling at the kids to get hand sanitizer (and they've been SO diligent!), wash hands, and take off shoes.  I'm going to keep cleaning everything, all of the time.  But what I really needed to remember?  God is still in control.

It's easier to say, then to do, isn't it?  It's easier to say I trust the Lord, then it is to sleep at night when my mind is racing and my heart is pounding and I can't figure out what to do next.

But it's true.  Either God is God, or He's not.  Either He's good, or He's not.  Either I can trust Him, or I can't.

And I choose to trust Him.  He's never failed us.

And He won't now.

The phone call just came with the test results and HALLELUJAH, Praise the Lord, they were negative.  I'm so thankful.  Thank you so very much to all of you who were praying.  We felt it!

But God would be good even if the phone call had been a different one.  He is good because He IS GOOD.  Not because my circumstances or feelings or experiences are what I call good... He. Is. Good.

I pray every day, countless times, for protection, for wisdom for those in authority, for our healthcare providers, for those who are ill, for everyone who is out of work, for our parents, for this wedding we are planning in June to be possible. For so many things.

But regardless of what happens?  God will still be in control.  And He will still be good.  I'm so very thankful I can trust Him.

Pandemic Diaries, Part 1

We've survived week two of the shelter in place due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I've had to take days off - from reading articles and watching videos of doctors talking about how to prevent and treat this virus.  I've had countless meltdowns due to anxiety.  I've gotten frustrated at my kids and REALLY missed my quiet days alone.

Yet, we're settling in to a new normal.  It's fascinating, isn't it?  Before all of this?  I couldn't imagine how we'd make it through a trip to DC, a trip to Boston, a graduation and a wedding.  But in just one week, we went from basketball state tournaments and a house full of teammates and friends and trying to figure out when we'd have dinner...

To being home.

Just being home.

In spite of my personal opinions about government overreach and my concern about the long term effects on the economy... one of my people is high-risk.  So here we are.

We are trying to get online school completed each day (seven students - our wifi isn't happy!), keep up with laundry, meals (and dishes) for 10, and work on some things that have been neglected - the last three years, especially.  Our yard is finally getting some attention and I've cleaned out BAGS of junk from our house.

I'm thankful for time together.  LOTS OF TIME TOGETHER.  Haha!  No, I really am thankful. Mostly.  I'm thankful for food and Spring weather and Maggs to make us laugh.  For garage workouts and runs that exhaust me physically - since the hardest work of this whole thing has been mental.

I'm thankful for longer quiet times and less rushed mornings.  I'm thankful for kids who *mostly* enjoy being together.  I'm thankful for our home (which has worked fairly well, with everyone here) and our big yard.  I'm thankful for the deck to eat dinner on, when it's not raining.  I'm thankful for the basketball court and games of four-square and the bunnies hopping around the yard.

I'm thankful that my 13 year old doesn't have a phone and that he's been writing letters to his friends.  I'm thankful that our parents are all close by and we can drop groceries off and check on them, easily.

I'm thankful for the amazing way that my kids have responded. My little senior girl has seen her classes be moved online, her Spring formal canceled, and her senior trip to Boston, postponed.  My sixth grader's trip is canceled, as well.

I'm thankful for coffee and sleeping in - even if we've determined that everyone DOES need to be up at a reasonable time.  Seven o'clock in the morning is LOVELY.  I haven't seen 6:00 in ages.

I'm thankful that in spite of allergies and a couple of sinus infections, we've been WELL.  So so thankful we've been well.

I'm thankful for our boy's doctors, PAs and nurses, who continue to be there to care for their patients. Thursday, he'll head to chemo.  What a strange time this is.  We have to be screened in our vehicle for fever and symptoms.  Every hospital and clinic is on lock-down.  But his treatments are considered essential and he'll have scans in April, as well.  Pray with us that he will be protected from this virus.

I'm thankful for my little NICU nurse.  Praying for her and her guy as they continue to plan a June wedding, but have no idea what the future will hold.  Wedding invites will go out, as planned.  Thankful God is on His throne and we can trust Him.

The Coach is going in to work one day a week to record his lessons to post each day, but is otherwise attempting to work at home - with 9 other people, the noise, and the crashing wifi.  Love him.  He wants to limit his exposure and risk - because of our boy.  Our school has worked SO hard to keep classes going.  It's been an amazing endeavor.

I'm thankful for evening walks (even in the light rain, last night) and longer dinnertimes around the table - because there's no other place to be. I'm thankful that both boys are moved out of their dorms and their stuff is here.  I AM thankful. I AM.  Haha!  Now to find somewhere to put it all.  Praying for them, too - they weren't planning on living at home for over 5 months.

It's funny, isn't it?  I went from not being able to keep up with all of the events, games, and appointments... to being HOME.  So strange.  Not bad.  Just strange.

I suppose we will grieve the losses of these weeks for a long, long time.  But in the meantime, I'm going to purpose to be thankful.  And to trust the One who holds it all.  For now, He's given me the gift of time with my people - how amazing is that?

The Gift of Presence

Last week, one of our kids had some difficult news regarding knee pain that she's been experiencing for over 2 years.  She took it really hard.  Watching our kids suffer is never easy.  Especially when there really isn't anything you can do to fix it.

I tried to comfort her, but she was LOW.  Like "I can't do this anymore" low.

Thankfully, it was a half day of school.  And before I even had time to think about what to do next, here came one of her friends (who lives on the other side of town).  She came in and sat down on the couch by my girl. The next time I peeked in, there was my girl, exhausted from crying, sound asleep next to her friend. Her friend pulled out some homework and did some studying.  But mostly, she was just THERE.  She just CAME.  Because her friend was hurting.

It really touched me.

How often do I have time to just SIT with someone who is hurting?  Our lives are so hectic and full and busy... I don't often leave time for just offering the gift of presence to someone who is suffering.

Jesus did this.  He wept with his friends when their brother died.  He healed and admonished and spent time with people... He went to weddings and held children on His lap and spoke quiet truth to those who hated him.

I've been listening to several books lately that seem to be speaking the same truth to me over and over.   Leave time for PEOPLE. Have margin in your life for relationships.  To sit and talk.  To answer the phone (If you've heard my voicemail message you know this isn't my strength. Ha!).  To not only be willing to be present with someone who is hurting, but to be willing to NEED some one's presence, as well.  Even if the laundry isn't folded or the dishes aren't done or dinner will be late.

Burdens are more easily carried if we haven someone come along side us and take part of it on themselves.  My troops have been on the receiving end of this for almost 3 years, now.  God has blessed us, so beautifully, with sweet friends who haven't quit supporting and encouraging.  I want to be that same encouragement to others, as well.  It's made all of the difference to our family to be loved and cared for in this way.

Whether we realize it or not (and regardless of our personalities - ha!), God created us to need and depend on HIM and also on each other.  To live in community, to bear one another's burdens, to minister and encourage and exhort and BE PRESENT.

So... I'm reminding myself to leave time for being present with others this week... and that sometimes the best teachers are 16 year old girls.

I Thessalonians 5:11 "Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do."

Looking Back

On Father's Day, we decided to pull out the home movies.  We watched Colorado Camp vacations with babies (we must have completely lost our minds!), we watched countless birthdays, kids running around in the back yard, learning to ride bikes, and even a birth (didn't let a camera in until my 7th.  Ha!)! We even went waaaaay back and watched my brothers, uncle, and friends wrapping our car in Saran Wrap in the hotel parking lot on the night of our wedding.  Pretty funny.

I don't remember so many of those moments.  Watching them is sweet.  And sometimes painful.  I watch those happy babies and sweet toddlers and can't help but think that they had some very hard things coming.  I'm glad we didn't know - God's grace.

The Coach and I kept looking at each other during the videos - I think our memories are pretty vague.  They were GREAT kids!  Not perfect, of course, but even as little ones they sat still and listened and obeyed.  We ate dinners at the table together and spent time playing together.  It wasn't perfect - and it was a lot of work - but we felt blessed to have these little (now big) kids and the privilege of watching them grow.  We are so tired now, we could never pull that off for even one day.  Haha!

It was a crazy season with so many little ones.  But it was simple and it was good.  I would do it all over, again.  As long as I didn't have to do it at THIS age.  Whew!

The kids kept laughing and saying, "How did we not DIE?"  We let our kids PLAY and CLIMB and RUN - and also fall down.  We let them have BB guns and do messy crafts and ride bikes and climb play-sets (that weren't safe at all - ha!). I couldn't believe how calm the Coach and I were in the middle of all of that.  But I DO think that letting them do hard things  - AND often fail - was a good thing.  I'm proud of the younger us. Even if I don't really remember any of it.

They've grown so beautifully into ADULTS who tackle hard things.  They love well and work hard and are so loyal to each other.  It's pretty amazing to watch them as toddlers - and see those same qualities that became their strengths as adults.

I'm over thinking it all, of course.  Mostly it was just a crazy bunch of SUPER cute kids running around like wild Indians.  But they were my wild Indians and HOW I loved them.

Our culture has decided that suffering is to be avoided at all costs - we advocate abortion, assisted suicide, and drugs to prevent suffering.  We don't want anyone to experience pain or hardship.  But suffering is a part of LIVING.  If I had seen the suffering that was to come (for Son #3, in particular), would I have decided that his life wasn't worthwhile and denied him the privilege of living AND suffering?  OF COURSE NOT.  His life has been a gift and a blessing - and because of Christ, his life and his suffering both have PURPOSE.

Suffering is a part of life.  I hate it.  But it's true.  And if we don't give our kids a chance to do hard things - often by trying and not always succeeding - when they are little, how will they ever be able to face truly hard things later on?

When we know Christ, we understand that suffering isn't worthless.  Our kids need to know that there is purpose in their lives - even if life holds hardship and suffering. And can I tell you something?  Their lives WILL be hard.  At some point, in some way.  Give them the tools to tackle those hard things as little ones - God's Word, faith in Him, and lots of opportunities to DO HARD THINGS.

I would do it all, again. Even if watching those years feels like an out of body experience.  The blessings have been too numerous to count.  And God has been so faithful.  We've seen Him give us strength and grace in the small things AND in the big things.  Always faithful.  I wouldn't trade the opportunity to walk that out in front of my eight people for anything.  It's been beautiful.

There's still so much to look forward to!  And whatever lies ahead?  God will be there with us in that, too.

Happy Thursday!

Summer is for Projects

The last two weeks at the troops, we...

Graduated one from college

Moved two home from college

Hosted a graduation party at our home

Graduated one from high school

Hosted a graduation party with friends

Went on a road trip (I almost said vacation, but that doesn't seem accurate. Ha!)

We're home and tired and the house is a disaster.  But we're together - and it's Summer!

Finally, for the first time in weeks, I'm taking time to sit and reflect a bit.  Re-evaluate a bit.  Go over some goals from last Winter.

I've failed miserably.  It's bad when one goal was "journal more consistently" and I had to go back to April to find my last entry.  Ha!

Thankfully, at almost 46, I'm somewhat used to that.  Setting six goals and only meeting one in 5 months.

Choosing today to appreciate that I've changed ONE habit for good.   That's more than I would have changed if I hadn't set goals and made the effort.  Changing one habit is enough.  For now.  One thing at a time.

My garage is full of storage tubs and furniture and donation bags.  The laundry is piled up.  I'm currently overwhelmed with all of the hidden messes - the attic, the lockers, the kitchen junk drawer(s), the armoire in our bedroom full of kids art, the fact that my digital photos are a disaster - and haven't been organized or printed into an album since Little Man was a baby, the file cabinet in the garage...

Things that get left undone when life is FULL and LOUD and BUSY.

So today, I'll tackle one of those.  Probably the attic, which will lead to cleaning up the garage.  Just START somewhere and make a little progress for today - before camps and mission trips and Summer activities use up the extra time.

The truth is, all of this stuff won't last forever - messy or not. But these people, who are living life here and loving and learning and growing and working together... they are what really matters.  I despise the mess and lack of organization in some areas, but I delight in the LIFE that creates the mess.

So here's to Summer time, 7 kids back at the troops, projects, messes, and SLOW progress on changing habits.  It's the stuff of life.  And it's good.

I'm thankful, every day, that GOD is faithful, even when I'm not.

That GOD'S love is everlasting, even when I struggle to be kind and patient.

The GOD loves me, even when I'm not as disciplined or consistent as I want to be.

That GOD is trustworthy and sovereign, even when I have not idea what I'm doing.

So much to be thankful for.

Happy Saturday!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Last week's SO VERY TIRED (and lack of humor) might have been related to the fact that school is winding down.  But before it ends, it gets CRAZY.  Somehow each year, I forget that the last two weeks of school completely suck the life out of me... while simultaneously filling my heart completely full to overflowing.  It might have also been 5th grade science camp (for the Coach, too), Jr. Retreat, and the state tennis tournament.  Hmmmm.

I'm not a big fan of mother's day.  But I am a HUGE fan of my troops.  And they knocked it out of the park.  First, my two OBU students showed up at church - which I did NOT expect!  They know my favorite mom thing is having them all in church with me.  Best gift ever.

Then lunch with my parents and in-laws, aunt and uncles... family.  Love them.

The Coach and the Troops all gave me the sweetest notes.  Sweetest.  I'm so thankful.  Turns out that my kids are growing into amazing adults who love WELL.  They're my favorite people.

Face-time call from the newlyweds, errands and coffee with the middles, dinner out with Coach and the younger kids, all in all a beautiful day. The Coach even ordered gluten free cupcakes from a bakery and picked them up on Saturday.  Wow.

Mother's Day followed a fun weekend at the tennis state tournament.  As we drove away at almost 10 PM (rain delays) - with our senior boy and his cousin/doubles partner getting 7th IN THE WHOLE STATE - that's so awesome, isn't it? -  the Coach turned to me and said, "Well, that's the last time he'll play as a Crusader,"  I'll admit a tear or two.  What a fun six years it's been with this kid.

Son (#1) and his beautiful wife sent a card and a gift for Mother's Day - I'm so proud of them.  Not just because they are thoughtful and sweet (which they are!), but because they are doing so well making a HOME together.  Just for fun, I watched wedding videos today (to-do list avoidance at it's finest!) - my heart is so full.

Daughter (#2) is DONE with nursing school!  I can't believe how fast these four years have gone.  She took her last final yesterday.  I could cry (it's a theme, lately) thinking about how hard she's worked and how well she's done.  She's precious. I'm going to need my waterproof mascara for her pinning tomorrow and graduation on Friday.

Oh Son (#3).  Finishing up finals today and tomorrow.  Sophomore year as a Math Education major and he's killing it.  I'm so proud of him.  The next week is FULL of doctor's appointments, but he's going to spend two weeks teaching in Roatan and we are all so happy for him.  Every day a gift.

Son (#4) left for his senior trip to Boston, yesterday (the Coach was our hero and did the 4 AM airport run).  This kid is SO MUCH FUN.  And I can't wait to celebrate him next week.  Four down, four to go.  He was my football/basketball/tennis kid and we've loved every minute.

Daughter (#5) - how WILL she be a senior next year?  I'm going to need a bigger box of tissues.  And by the way, she's smart and funny and I love her.  And her sweet attitude about giving up her room (again!) for her big sis who is moving home from college.  We have the most flexible kids on the planet - I'm convinced.  My tiny girl played volleyball, basketball AND for the first time, tennis, this year and she made them all FUN.

Daughter (#6).  Can you tell I'm a HUGE fan of my kids?  Because they are amazing.  Not perfect, but amazing.  And this girl is loud and dramatic and awesome.  And always up for driving me on my errands.  Yes!  She played all three sports with her sis - they are inseparable.  And funny.  And addicted to sonic.

Daughter (#7) made dinner last night, cleaned the kitchen, and is the resident baker (I retired some time ago).  She's sweet, cheerful, borrows clothes without asking (but that's literally her only fault), and is crazy athletic - growing up way too fast like her beautiful older sisters.  The Coach needs a bigger gun, for sure.

And Little Man.  Oh boy.  He's taller than three of his sisters. He's going to be taller than me, before I can blink.  He and Maggs pick on each other mercilessly.  I'm loving every minute with this kid.  Even though sometimes I have to say "No. More. Words."  Today he got a big art award at school and I had to fight the tears.  So many memories with ALL of the troops.  Son (#3) being the art teacher's aide and working on her chalkboard all year.  Son (#4) getting the same award when he was just a little guy.  Following in the footsteps of 7 older siblings isn't easy, but he's blazing his own trail and we're laughing all the way.

Meanwhile, the Coach keeps faithfully loving us all in spite of the BUSIEST time of year and working on his masters.  Honestly, it would all fall apart without a lot of laughter and a LOT of love of patience.  From everyone.

See you on the flip side, school year - it's been a good one.

Summer, here we come!

Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something...

I read this today...

"The race always hurts.  Expect it to hurt.  You don't train so that it doesn't hurt.  You train so you can tolerate it."

Since I ran my 7th half marathon less than two weeks ago, it really caught my attention.

I had trained the very least for this race.  Since I began running when Little Man was a baby, I've always been crazy about training schedules.  I would rather not run at all than run unprepared.  But I realized today, that in the back of my mind, I always expected to be able to train enough that it didn't hurt anymore.  Which I realize now, is silly.

Because when I thought about it, the training hasn't been without it's own challenges.  Aches and pains.  Exhaustion.  Stress fractures.  Sickness.

And not long ago, full marathon training that was interrupted by my son's cancer diagnosis.

But my run last week was relatively enjoyable.  I'm not denying some discomfort.  Or even a desire to quit around mile 11 and 12.  But honestly, it was so much less painful than I expected, considering the training I thought I hadn't done.

Turns out, consistent cross-training and faithful shorter runs over YEARS time ended up being enough to get me to the finish line.  So really, I HAD trained.  Just in a different way.

As usual, running continues to provide so many parallels to life.

Even though many of us willingly train for physical challenges, it's harder to think about training for the trials of life.  But whether or not you do it intentionally, we all are doing just that.  When we respond to small irritations or inconveniences, we practice for facing the things that stop us in our tracks.

The Coach and I never had a plan for how we'd respond to tragedy in our family.  But in our 24 years of marriage, we've trained in countless ways.  Dealing with sick kids, financial stress, accidents, surgeries, disappointments, kids who struggled emotionally or physically.

He's gotten up early to study God's Word, even when he's been exhausted.  I've prayed even when I haven't felt like it.  We've worshipped in spite of our hearts feeling cold (or just so very tired).  Discipline and long term habits, built in the calmness, become your default when life gets tough.

For so many years, I thought that the struggles were because we'd messed up in some way.  And if we could only figure out the right schedule or diagnosis or communication... the struggles would cease.  The lie in this thinking was that struggles were caused by mistakes, not by life in general.

But God's Word tells us that the trials are not always because we've done something dumb.  Of course sometimes they are.  I like how Tommy Nelson says, "Life is hard enough. Don't be stupid." But more often, it's just part of living with other humans in a fallen world... in bodies that have yet to see the redemption that our souls can receive through Christ.

I can't say that we have responded perfectly to every horrifying moment we've been through with our sweet son, who is still in cancer treatment (although PRAISE GOD for continued remission).  But I'm reminded once again, the PAIN isn't a sign that we haven't trained.  The PAIN is a sign that we're alive.  And by God's grace, we can endure the pain.

We train ourselves to depend on...
His strength.
His goodness.
His patience.
His love.
His mercy.
His faithfulness.

It doesn't make the pain go away.  But it give us the ability to bear up under it.

Depend on the Lord today in the little things.  Good and bad.  Easy and hard.  Use your "faith muscles", so they'll be ready for what comes next.  The pain doesn't mean you're a failure and it can't always be fixed, but it DOES give you an opportunity to trust the Lord and glorify Him in all that He allows in your life.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  James 1:2-4