Life is Wild - Intro

Sometimes when things get really hard - you know the seasons - I think about the nation of Israel in the Old Testament.  How often God told them... REMEMBER.  Things are hard now... but remember how God has led you in the past.  This season is dark... but remember how faithful God has been to bring you through. This feels hopeless... but remember how God has brought you HOPE in the hard?

Here we are.  I'm setting my face like a flint.  Setting my mind on God's goodness.  His faithfulness. His HOPE.  CHRIST in you, the HOPE of glory.  For our good, for His glory. 

God says remember!  So I've been mediating on God's faithfulness to our family in the past. Our marriage, our babies, the various adventures we've been on together.  Some of them are sweet memories are some aren't sweet at all.  But every single time, God has been faithful.  He's given good gifts in the hard.  He's give us His comfort, His presence, His PEACE.  I'm going to intentionally record some of those seasons... to remind myself.  He's present. He's here.  He's faithful.

Want to join me?

Isaiah 50:7 "For the Lord GOD will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded:  therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.

Making Memories

The Coach and I are spending some time away by ourselves this week.  In 30 years, it's our first trip to Colorado without any kids.  It's been fun to talk about some of those past trips... over 20 of them...so many memories.

Our 3rd was 10 months the first year we made the long drive to "Cousin's Camp" with the Coach's family.  We froze in an unheated (and unplumbed) cabin with our 3, 3 and under.  Most nights they were so cold they ended up in bed with us before morning.  Two pack and plays and our oldest (still so little) in a bunk in a sleeping bag - that kept sliding off the mattress onto the floor when we'd hear a "thunk."  The bathrooms were a decent hike from the cabin and we'd carry the potty trained one down there - and bathe them all in the long trough style bathhouse sinks.  They got DIRTY running and climbing around all day.  And they were blissfully happy.

The year after our 5th was born, there were fires in the camp area, so we transitioned to a condo that we shared with family (they also had 5 kids).  The indoor plumbing and heat were a huge plus!  Once we experienced that, the camp became a distant memory.  For the moms, anyway!

The year our youngest was one, he got acute mountain sickness and spent the week crawling around with an oxygen tank.  Rough week.  With very little sleep for him and me. 

We had some years that many of the Coach's siblings and the kids' cousins joined us.  One year we celebrated my in-laws 50th anniversary and ALL of the family came.  Sweet memories for sure.  Our 2nd time with custom t-shirts to wear throughout the week.

Later on, we kept going with just our kids.  Then with some of their spouses.  But in the years since the babies have been coming, we haven't made it back.  It's gotten complicated with 5 married kids and 6 grand babies (and one on the way).

But we still talk about those early years when we drove the 12 passenger van full of car seats the 11 1/2 hours to Colorado to make memories (or at least do all of the work parenting our kids in a different location).  It was a lot of WORK.  But I'm thankful we did it.

Life is a lot different now.  For the first time, we came by ourselves, enjoying a little post-wedding, post-VERY-busy-May get away.  It's quiet.  And clean.  And we can cook for two and sleep all night.  It's sweet.  And also makes me a little sad that those days of climbing into the back of the van 100 times every trip are over.  But just a little.

Hopefully, in no time at all, we'll be driving back to the mountains with all of OUR married kids and their babies.  I'll let them take care of the car seats and nightly baths.  But I would so love to introduce them to summer vacation in the mountains.

Bad Theology and Good Plans

Does it ever seem like when you're already functioning at max capacity, super inconvenient things begin to happen, as well?  "When it rains, it pours," comes to mind.

Headed out of town for back to back trips?  How about the house floods right before you leave?

House flood isn't enough of a mess?  How about the kitchen drain backs up the night before your super early flight?

Wedding week with family and friends headed in?  How about a raging sinus infection?

College friends of the bride and groom staying in the farm house for the weekend?  How about the well pump goes out the night before the wedding?

Wedding morning (outdoor wedding and tent reception)?  How about epic rains (it's been a theme this Spring) and a flooded tent the morning of?

I will admit to asking the Coach on several occasions, "What are we doing WRONG?"

In his typical patient and calm response, he said, "I think you have a theology problem."

Of course, poor decisions often have consequences.  As the Coach often reminds our kids, "Life is hard enough, don't be stupid."  But many of the difficulties we face come because we live in a fallen world and things are just broken.  Houses flood, drains back up, we get sick when our bodies are tired, pumps fail, rain comes when you'd rather it not.  It's just part of life.  No one is out to get me or punish me for something I've done wrong.

It's taken me a lot of years to unravel my belief that God was out to strike me every time I made a mistake.  Or that if I just did the right things my life wouldn't experience difficulty.

However, Jesus promises trials for His followers.  He doesn't say "do everything right and bad things won't happen" (like we often see in the Old Testament), but instead, if you follow Me you WILL have hard things. It's a guarantee.  And along with the promise of hard things, He also promises the comfort of the Holy Spirit and purpose IN the hard things.  That's quite a promise.

Thankfully, when these things happen - even if it's more often than usual - I can choose how to respond.  I can lament my misfortune and ask WHY ME?  Or I can be like the Coach, take it in stride, do the next thing, and trust that God has good plans for my life.

Good plans.

So maybe the most amazing part of it all is that God works all things together FOR OUR GOOD and for His glory.  The inconveniences, the messes, the results of a fallen world... He uses it all.  Taking time to reflect on this makes me stand in awe of His power, His love for me, His sovereignty.  And a little more determined to respond with grace the next time. 

And I think it's OK after a particularly hard season to shout for all to hear, "We survived!!"  

It's all about the fun drinks

Before you think I'm talking about something I'm not, when I say "fun drink" I'm talking about Zevia.  The Cream Soda and Black cherry, to be specific.  

When the kids were little, we didn't do soda unless we went to eat with Granddad.  The choices were root beer or Sprite (I wasn't about to have 8 kids 11 and under also overly caffeinated).  At home it was water.  Lemonade if it was a birthday.  Fun drinks only happened on special occasions.

I had similar rules about chips.  I bought tortilla chips - you need them for taco nights and other meals.  But I usually didn't find a kid sitting with an open bag of tortilla chips, finishing them off.  If you wanted "fun chips" (potato chips, Cheetos, etc.)?  Those were for special occasions, only.  Sometimes on Saturday hamburger nights, but more often for July 4th or a holiday.  If I brought a bag of fun chips into this house on other occasions it wouldn't have lasted 2 hours... and you can see how frustrating that would be for the person who buys the groceries. 

Our Summer Colorado trips brought even more treats.  I'd get the Sam's size box of blow pops, mini cans of soda, fruit snacks... all kinds of things that we never had in the house.  It was kid heaven - cousins, mountains AND a blow pop.  Doesn't get any better.

We called other things different names, too.  I think I was just tired of explaining things a hundred times.  "Square cereal" made more sense to them then frosted mini-wheats (I still miss that cereal). I didn't buy the actual Frosted Mini Wheats anyway, we ate the generic kind, of course.  Raisin cereal, cinnamon cereal - Grape Nuts were still Grape Nuts - because that doesn't have anything to do with what they actually are, anyway.  Mexican casserole was a creation of ours.  Rice, chili beans, black beans, ground beef, corn, enchilada sauce... with cheese on top.  We ate it almost every week.  So much so that some of the kids refuse to eat it to this day.  It's still a great dinner, though.  "Chicken stuff" was chicken cooked in salsa with black beans and corn - we ate that in tortillas.  And was very similar to BBQ chicken - also cooked in the crock pot and eaten on buns.  But not with fun chips.

One of the best things I did with a house full of littles was to have several nights a week that we always had the same thing.  Spaghetti on Wednesdays (which was also bath night, conveniently), pizza on Friday nights if Dad was coaching - and we watched a movie.  I even put beach towels down and let them eat on the living room floor, sometimes.  Hamburgers on Saturday nights (also bath night) and tacos on Sunday.  Mostly because it didn't take much time to make tacos and Sundays were crazy.  The other nights we changed it up.  But it helped a lot that at least some nights I didn't have to think about what to make.  One less decision - moms are always making so many decisions.  

So here we are, with all adult kids and sometimes... they still ask me to get fun chips for dinner.  Have you tried those Simple Cheetos without artificial colors?  Yum.  Anyway, we've relaxed a bit about the fun drinks - since we only have 5-6 here, now.  Feels so luxurious, doesn't it?  Fun drinks every night! 

Lots of things have changed since our house was full of little ones and noise and chaos.  It's quieter now.  We watch more Netflix, for sure, which is a big change from our trips to M&M for free kids movies.  We don't eat many casseroles these days.  We've traded our Wednesday spaghetti nights for spaghetti squash with tomatoes and feta.  We've transitioned to a fully gluten free household, we adapt a lot of recipes, and our favorite treats are made in the Ninja Creamy.  

But most nights?  You'll still find us sitting down to dinner as the kids call out to each other, "who wants a fun drink?" And they'll grab a Zevia for you, if you want to come join us!

Comfort Cracker

One of our grand babies went through a phase where they carried around a teething cracker.  Not to eat.  Just to hold.  We called it their comfort cracker.  Since then, the kids sometimes need a comfort fruit snack.  Or comfort water cup... you get the idea.  They feel more relaxed holding it.

Maybe my 30 oz Hyrdroflask is my comfort cup - I take it with me almost everywhere I go.  I definitely need my comfort pack of gum and comfort chapstick to make it through the day, don't you?

The other day a friend and I were discussing our favorite movies and I've decided I have comfort movies, too.  They have happy endings, they are sweet, and they make me laugh!  I watch them over and over again.  I even have a comfort show.  I watch all of seven seasons every Fall.

We have a bad habit at our house of stacking books in front of the full bookshelves when there isn't any more room.  Now and then, we have to clean out a few to make the new books fit.  Last week it was two Trader Joe's sacks full - but now all of the books are IN the bookcase.  Whew.  I found myself trying to explain to the Coach why I needed to keep some of them.  They are my comfort books - I read them over and over again.  I go back to them when I'm tired of reading things that are supposed to help me learn or grow -  when I just want to read something predictable and sweet, where I know what's going to happen.  I have a shelf full and I know I'll keep reaching for them.  

I'm currently reading one of my comfort books, "The Beloved Invader."  Pretty sure it really belongs to my mom - don't tell her I have it.  I've read it so many times, I know what's coming next.  Very comforting.  It's also "historical" fiction, so it feels like it has some redeeming value.

One of the greatest comforts we have in this life is the comfort of others.  We experience hard things, suffering, trials, heartache, and God allows us to comfort others with the comfort He's given us.  We often don't see it in the moment - the hard - the heart break.  But later on, when we cross paths with someone else who is in the midst of a similar hard?  God often brings comfort to others through us.  It's a beautiful thing, isn't it?

What comforts you?  Is it a food (mine is Hershey kisses), a favorite movie (Pride and Prejudice), a worn book (The Rosary)?  It is sunshine, a walk, or a nap?  Whatever it is, I hope you have some time for something comforting today.  Those little comforting things make life's harder moments more bearable.

And most of all, I pray we go to the Comforter, Himself.  He's always there - and He has felt it all, been through it all, knows it all, and can comfort us in our weakness.

Take me back...

I love so many things about social media...

but I hate so many more.

I love that I can get meal ideas, training inspiration for the gym, spiritual inspiration for the soul, and see cute pics of all of my people.

I hate that it makes me feel like I have to do more, be more, and add more things to my ever growing list.

I love that it allows me to keep up with friends from the different decades of life.

I hate that so often if makes me feel like a failure.

I love the beautiful homes and designs and styles.

But...

You don't stay up at night so you can listen to your teens talk?  Failure.

You don't go to bed early and get a good solid 8 hours?  Failure.

You don't spend quality time with all of your kids every week?  Failure.

You don't have a budget and an extensive skin care routine?  Failure.

The perfect travel outfit?

The secret to having energy in you 50's?

The most healthy snacks for your kids?

YOU STILL USE BLEACH?

(Just as a side note, never ever tell a former cancer mom who felt responsible to keep her child ALIVE that they can't bleach things.  Just don't.)

We see the best of everyone else.  And feel the worst of ourselves.

We contrast and compare and come up short.

It's added so much noise to my tendency to overthink things.  That noise in my head often ends up winning out over the TRUTH that I know.  I don't spend enough time balancing that outside noise with the inside Holy Spirit.  

 

I often find myself longing for those more simple days when I had to make a phone call to a sister-in-law or friend or write on this little ole blog to process things - instead of scrolling through reels to distract myself from the things in life that need to be talked through.

Yeah yeah, I know.  I'm just OLD.

I hear you.  

Christmas Cards

Getting Christmas Cards is one of my most favorite things in December.  Actually, one of my most favorite things all year!  I love seeing your smiling faces, how much the babies (and kids!) have grown, hearing updates on your people.  It brings me so much JOY.  And if you send me your new address before I mail one to your old address and get it returned?  You've made my day.

We'll be sending a New Year's card this year - since we had a chance to take an updated family pic at Christmas.  I just ordered them and will hopefully get them out to you soon!  Our crew hadn't all been together in almost a year and a half and we've changed a bit.  Added two babies, a new fiance' and there's another baby on the way!  And I feel like the Coach and I have aged even more than 17 months worth.  

As beautiful as you all are and as lovely as your Christmas cards are and as much happiness as they bring me...  I am tempted... I think every year... to write a REAL Christmas letter.  With all of the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I won't do it, of course, but it's always so tempting.

You want to know how our year REALLY went?  No, you don't.  Ha!

But just in case you worry that your life is a wreck and everyone else has it together, let me remind you that I'm your girl.  Always lowering the bar so that you can feel like you do, in fact, have it all together.  If you want to hear details, that will have to happen over a cup of coffee.  Because as much as I'd love to just hang all of our dirty laundry out to dry on the internets, that doesn't seem appropriate.  For today, at least.  

Thankfully, Jesus's sacrifice, God's mercies (new every morning) and the Lord's goodness aren't dependent on me having it all together.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  The greater my need, the greater His grace.  Wow.  That truly astounds me.  I have a hard time loving people who don't do what I'd like or make me feel better about myself.  But Christ died for us WHEN WE WERE YET SINNERS.  We hated Him and He willingly gave His life for us. 

So I don't have to get it all together this year, or any year.  My card won't be a diatribe on all of the hard things this year held... although I know that would be super entertaining for all of us.  I'll send the pretty picture with the best looking kids and sweetest babies you've ever seen.  And my extra wrinkles, too.  And take another opportunity to be thankful that God promises to bring good from it all.  Every bit of it.  Even the hard.  No... I think especially the hard.  

Happy New Year!

New Year's for the rest of us...

If you're starting this New Year discouraged, I'm here to say you aren't alone.

If last year wasn't your favorite, wasn't your best, or is a year you never want to see again?  I'm with you.

If you can't imagine setting goals for another year after this last one pulled the rug out from under you?  That's OK.  It really is.

I've never faced a New Year with less enthusiasm.  Beginning a new year lends itself to looking back over the past year and it's definitely been a hard thing for me to do. The Coach and I are big goal setters.  We have always wanted to learn and grow and be challenged (hence the 8 kids - ha!). But last year challenged us in new and unusual (and painful) ways, so I'm not about to ask for THAT, again.  How about we all just pray for a year of coasting, maintaining and REST?  How about we try not having any goals at all?  I kid.  Sort of.

I told someone last week that I wasn't super excited about a new year after what last year held for us... not a year I want to see again.  He said, I feel like your family has had more than your share of those years, haven't you?  Hmmmm.  It does seem that way.  

But no matter what this year holds (good or bad - and it will be a combination of the two), we still know some things to be true.  

God is good.  He is always good.  Not everything that happens to us IS good.  For SURE.  But God is.  I can rest on that truth this year.

God has good plans for my life.  He promises to finish the work He has begun in me.  It's a promise.  He won't leave me alone, where I am, or without hope.  Ever.

God has good plans for the people I love.  I may not always see it.  Or believe it.  But it's true.  He LOVES them so much more than I ever could.  He is good, He has good plans for their lives, and He promises to complete His work in their lives and mine.

In the meantime, I may struggle to find my Anchor some days.  Or every day.  I may forget that it's for my good and HIS glory.  But it's still true.

If you've forgotten all of this at the beginning of this New Year, as I seem to have?  There is space for that, too.  I think it's OK to begin this year slowly with a bit of hesitation.  I think it's OK to not set any big goals or feel the need to grow or change this year.  As long as we keep moving forward.  And trust God for the rest of it.

Time Trials...

For the most part, the Coach and I have gotten along fairly well these 29 plus years.  We've had our ups and downs, but being married to someone who is not particular about most things, is humble enough to keep learning, and wants to love me well?  It's been amazing.

However, we may have reached the end of that bliss.

You see, the end of January sometime (the days have run together, you'll soon see why), our radio alarm clock died.  The clock that's woken us both every morning for 20 something years.  Now, it wasn't our FIRST alarm clock together.  THAT one actually had a cassette player that turned on to wake you.  It was incredible.  We had this tape of an IMAX movie (remember those?) soundtrack from a movie on Africa that we saw on our honeymoon.  That cassette woke us for many happy years.

Enter our last alarm clock - the one that just gave up on us.  It was just a radio alarm, but it did the trick. His alarm on the left side, mine on the right.  BIG snooze bar - very important.  It even had battery back up and it wasn't too too bright.  You know, just right.  It was comfortable.  It did the job well and we were used to which buttons to use to set it at night and which buttons turned it off in the morning and it was just bright enough to see the time when we woke too early (which happens more often these days).

I should have known the end was in sight, because sometimes when you would try to set the alarm, the time went backwards when you pushed the forwards button and vice versa.  I should have seen it coming, but I guess I was in denial.  Then one night, the Coach went to set his alarm for the next day and the button just didn't work.  Nothing happened.  It still had power, it still showed the accurate time, but we knew having a perpetual 4:45AM alarm wasn't ideal.  For either one of us (me, especially). 

So with a heavy heart, completely unsure of what the future would hold, we unplugged it for the last time.

Now, to tell the whole, whole story (which I'm sure you're dying to hear), you have to also know that the Coach and I have been really committed to following a budget since sometime last Fall.  October, maybe?  And WOW it's been tough.  I won't say a lot about that, but just... the Coach is the bread winner in our home and I'm the bread LOSER.  Big time.  So it was extremely unfortunate that the alarm clock died at the end of the month.  Because I'm not one to leave much in that "miscellaneous" category, if you know what I mean?  Cough... cough... Amazon.

So here we are, our old faithful has passed on to the next radio alarm clock life.  I needed to wait a week or so to order a new one.  And the Coach?  He has hard and fast rules about phones being in the bedroom.  Just to clarify... we have 8 kids... or 12 kids... and 4 grandbabies.  So SOMEONE has to have their phone in the bedroom.  But it's not going to be him.  Just saying.  

But desperate times call for desperate measures and there we were ready to go to bed setting alarms on our phones for the next morning.  Except his phone isn't in the room, so I'm setting alarms for BOTH of us for the next morning, knowing full well that I will be waking up both times and also have the priviledge of waking him.  Yay.

No worries, though.  We survived the interim, he relaxed on the phone rules and used his for the other nights and we survived.  There was that one night he actually didn't set his, and woke up in a frenzy when MY alarm went off, but it is what it is.  Here were are sometime later (February... new budget month) and the new clock has arrived.  Never mind that I spent way too much time looking at the options and trying to make a decision... the decision was made and the delivery received and there we were.

With a completely different clock that has completely different features and the buttons are all in different places and suddenly I felt very... very... OLD.

Before you say (like my kids have a thousand times) that it's so much easier just to set an alarm on your phone?  I know.  You're right.  It is.

But also, the Coach likes swimming upstream and honestly, he's usually right.  We are too dependent on our phones and really even though I keep mine handy in case we are needed by one of our kids, I too like being able to look up and see the time on the clock.  And getting out of bed to turn it off is a good thing for both of us.  So he's not wrong.  He's probably smarter than all of us.  

However, learning a new electronic appliance with the added stress that if it doesn't work our whole routine will be off... has been a little annoying.  At first I said, "You read the thing and figure out the stuff and then tell me how it works."  I'm smart like that.  But that only went so far, when he left me to set my own alarm and I realized I did actually need to know how to turn it off.  Because he's already been up an hour before my alarm even goes off.  Sigh.

But we're two nights in and so far so good.  I even figured out how to make it NOT SO BRIGHT because that first night it kept me awake.  Stupid clock.  But we'll persevere though this trial - hopefully - and come out the other side better and stronger.

Yes... this is way too much about a tiny thing and this has all been ridiculous.  We really have laughed our way through it.  For the most part (I may have been a teeny tiny bit frustrated that first night when he didn't want to go get his own phone...).  But we've been talking the last few months about comfort and discomfort and how we don't really learn much when we're just doing the things we're comfortable doing (blah blah blah marathon training)... and this silly clock as been a good illustration of how we easily get stuck in a rut, comfortable in our routine, just doing the same thing day in and day out and not really even seeing the things around us or taking time to be grateful or doing the hard thing or purposefully moving out of our comfort zones.

We'll make it with our new clock.  I'm sure of it.  Or at least more sure today than I was a couple of nights ago.  Might take some time, but I'll get used to it.  And I'm going to keep finding other small ways to step out of my comfort zone... go to that crossfit class where I don't know anyone... try a lift I don't really know how to do... find out if I can run a faster mile... go sit by that new person at that event... introduce myself to someone I haven't met... all things I'm SUPER uncomfortable with.  All things that move me out of the familiar and hopefully into growth.  And maybe the more I do these little things, the more confident I will become in the bigger uncomfortable things... having that hard conversation... choosing to be vulnerable, even though I might get hurt...heading into conflict instead of running from it... being willing to bear someone else's burden, even though I want to turn my eyes away from their pain.

So trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone?  Bring it on.  Just wait until March when my "miscellaneous" budget category resets, if you don't mind, please and thank you.

Happy Monday!

Life at *almost* 50

(From Feburary 2023)

The other day, as I was reading in bed (side note - the Anne of Green Gables series is just so good - I've loved going back to it) and our youngest came in to ask me a question.  I didn't hear him coming.  Not a sound.  Just all of a sudden there was a 6'1" MAN standing in my room.  Had a little heart attack, to be honest.  And then I started laughing.  He was just as silent as a toddler.  You'd think all of the growing he's done and all of the size he's added... that he'd make SOME sort of sound coming down the hall.  Nope.

We recently moved Daughter (#2) and her little family to their first house - about 35 minutes away.  The house needed some work and it's been a bit of a rough start - but it will be a great house.  Just solidified in me that I'm not moving, again.  Ever.  In fact, don't even bother with a funeral home - just bury me in the backyard.

Last Fall when the Coach and I moved the girls back to college, we counted that we've moved kids in and out of college housing 17 times in the last 8 years.  And that's including the fact that son #1 did his own moving several times. Also not including the married kid's houses and apartments - again, Son #1 has been on his own there, too.  Hopefully one day we can help them.  Ha!

The kids got me a digital picture frame for Christmas and I love it. I think it's what REALLY makes you a grandma.  I love that new pictures pop up when the kids add them and I love that the grandbaby watches for his aunts and uncles to show up.  So sweet.

About three months ago (maybe 2?) the Coach and I started talking about the possibility of running another longer race.  He's always ready for a challenge - but this time it's been a big one.  His running pace had been getting faster and faster and I had all but quit running completely... poor guy.  But we're tackling one run at a time and honestly, it's felt great.  I just keep telling myself - don't quit moving.  I remind myself that my mom ran her first marathon at 55.  She ended up running 6 of them.  I've completed 8 half marathons so far, but it's been about 3 years since the last one!  Thankful the Coach is still happy to jog along beside me.

One week ago, today, marked six years since Son #3's cancer diagnosis.  As the Coach and I talked about it that night, we agreed that it feels like there was no life before that - in so many ways.  It changed us so dramatically.  Changed our lives and our family and our kids' lives.  But also, SIX YEARS.  There aren't really words for that.  I remember when they told us 3 years of chemo and we both said that's not even possible! And now it's been 2 1/2 years since those 3 1/2 years ended.  Pretty amazing.

God is amazing.

I have a few thoughts...

(From Summer 2023)

I try to always be reading, listening, discussing (mostly with the Coach), learning... something.  The challenge is good - both for my mind and for my thinking.  I'm currently reading the Anne of Green Gables series, again.  So good.  And listening to "Permission to Feel."  Recent reads have been "Spare" by Prince Harry (the language was horrible, so I can't recommend it - but very interesting) and "Becoming Free Indeed" by Jinger Duggar.

Whether you read for entertainment or education, it's good to read with discernment.  You don't have to only listen or read things you agree with - in fact, I would discourage that.  There's almost always something to learn - from anyone.  We all have different perspectives and experiences.  So helpful to hear from others.

That doesn't, however, mean that we just absorb it all and take it all as gospel truth.  We have to be discerning in what we receive in our minds and hearts.  

A huge mistake that I've made in the past... is in thinking that my experience has been the same as others.  Don't jump on every bandwagon.  Sometimes someone else's experience is just that - their experience.  You maybe went to the same church or were in the same homeschool group or worked at the same place... but you didn't have the same experience - and that's ok.  Don't write off what they went through.  But also... don't feel like you have to agree with their perspective.  Don't equate the situation with the struggle.  People in all different circumstances have hard things.  It's not always a direct correlation to an organization or group or church or school.  It's just life.

Maybe I'm not making sense.  But our culture wants to make everything a big thing.  Everyone is offended, everyone is hurt, everyone is wounded.  And that's true in some sense.  We've all had hard things.  But don't take everyone else's issues on as your own. God will give you the grace for what you've been through.  He will be your strength and shield.  But don't heap on other wounds that you only found necessary after hearing about someone else's experiences.

Life is hard enough, don't make it harder.  Keep learning, keep growing, keep holding up God's Word as the standard and Truth.  Keep listening and showing compassion and loving others.  But don't try to carry burdens that are only created by someone else.  Who needs it?

Not every bandwagon is worth my jumping on.  Hopefully, you see that, too.

Things of the past...

(From Fall 2023)

The Coach has been challenging me to write more, lately.  He knows it is a healthy thing for me to do.  I love words and written words are my favorite.  Reading, listening, writing... these things are how I process what's going on in life and it helps me think clearly.  Those Thankful Thursday blogs when the kids were little helped me change my perspective.  Reading posts from when we had 8 kids running around here causes me to HEAR the quiet in my house, this morning.  Remembering is so good.  Being grateful is a beautiful thing.  Writing helps me do both.

Just so there is no concern regarding my understanding of these things...  I AM aware that blogs and my little blogspot are a thing of the past.  I know.  I started this little page in 2007, when our youngest was born.  He's currently 16 and a sophomore in high school.  Time passes - rather quickly, I might add.  Trends come and go.  Things get old.  That's how life works.

Turns out, I'm somewhat of a thing of the past, too.  I passed my 50th birthday last Summer, so it seems fitting that as a "thing of the past," I am still here writing at my thing of the past blog.  Somehow it works. Also, my mom mentioned the other day that I looked "so cute" with short hair.  I haven't had short hair in over 12 years.  Another thing of the past, apparently.  One that my daughters beg me to leave in the past.

Not to be discouraging, but it seems that the older I get, the less I actually know.  In spite of a growing number of experiences, years, ages, life stages... I am acutely aware that my experience is simply that.  My experience.  For better or worse, it doesn't transfer.  Not even to saving my kids from making the same mistakes that the Coach and I have made in the last 29 years.  But no worries, because even if we could somehow give them our experiences to build on?  They would still need to make their own.  That's how life works.  We don't know what we don't know... until we know how little we know.  And that comes with age, doesn't it?

Life with babies was HARD.  But also, simple.  Not easy.  But simple.  Feeding, clothing, caring for, teaching, training, enjoying.  And extremely refining for us, as parents, as it revealed how very selfish we were.

Life with adult kids is also hard.  The work is not of the physical kind, as a rule - although babysitting wears me out in new and unusual ways... but rather, more of the emotional kind.  So much prayer.  So much.  Along with helping, when possible.  But mostly just praying - as I see them work through and learn so many hard things.  

The Coach and attended a beautiful wedding last Saturday.  We enjoyed it so much - especially since it included time with two of our kids.  But on the way home, as we were talking about what we've both been thinking about and struggling through, lately, we expressed both how very happy we were for the newlyweds - AND how thankful we are to be 29 years down that road.  The comfort and security of this place in life, married to this man, and seeking to grow and learn together?  Nothing better.  Truly.

We talked about a few regrets - nothing we haven't discussed before - but mostly gratefulness.  For God's faithfulness, for our kids who are our favorite people in the world - and for each other.  God gave us this and I'm more thankful every day.

So maybe THIS thing of the past - me - should go back to another thing of the past - this blog - and resurrect the Thankful Thursday of old, and remember God's blessings on our family.  This big crazy growing family... a good gift from the best Giver.  

Happy Monday.

.

29 years

Two people who barely know each other, don't have a clue who they are, don't know what their weaknesses and strengths are, and have very little life experience... decide to get married and then stand up in front of God and everybody and promise to love for LIFE.

Bizarre.

I didn't even really know the coach as well as most couples know each other.  I knew some things about him... things that have remained true to this day. That he loved God, was smart, disciplined and determined.  Handsome.  He's changed a lot in 29 years - but his character hasn't.  Three houses, two 12 passenger vans, 3 minivans, 8 kids, 7 highschool graduations, 5 college graduations, 4 weddings, the death of a parent, the evolution of a career, and now grandparents of four sweet babies.  Watching him navigate it all and lead me through (especially the hard) things has given me tremendous love and respect for this man.

We thought we knew some things at 21 and 24.  We knew a lot about marriage before we were married.  We knew a lot about parenting before we had kids.  But parenting is the single most humbling thing I've ever experienced.  I would say it's impossible to have a good marriage if you're selfish.  And It's extremely difficult to parent well if you are too proud to continue to learn - and admit it when you're wrong.  God uses all of it to teach us so much about ourselves and how to trust Him.

I recently heard someone say... "You have 4-5 great loves in your life... if you're really lucky, they'll turn out to the be same person."  We've been so "lucky."  We are so different than we were 29 years ago.  We're different than we were one year ago.  I wouldn't want to stay the same.  I want to grow and learn and change.  Both of us, changing and evolving and learning... and heading in the same direction AND closer together as the years pass.  I'm so grateful that on December 17th, 1994, I stood there and promised for life.  So grateful. 

This year I turned 50, became a Marmee for the 3rd time, lost 50 pounds, and ran my first full marathon.  The Coach loved me last year and he loves me this year.  He loved me at 21 and he loves me even more 29 years later.  Yes, we would both say that those 450+ training miles helped us grow closer.  Something about getting up on a Saturday morning in the cold and dark to run for three hours... is a bonding experience.  But we could say the same about the other hard things we've gone through.

When we were newlyweds, the Coach had very full football and basketball seasons. Then you add 8 kids in the mix and all of their activities and school and life... and for so many years our priority was just survival.  We enjoyed it.  We really did.  We worked hard to find date nights and weekends away once a year and it was GOOD.  Really good.

But now?  We can talk every evening in the hot tub.  We can spend weekends together (mostly not at kid's activities).  We can be home more evenings and discuss what we're reading, what we're learning, what God is teaching us.  It's amazing.  I could never have imagined how good it would be.

I know we wouldn't be HERE without the THERE.  The surviving part.  I wouldn't trade it or the amazing humans we call ours for anything.  But this sure is a sweet season.  Happy 29th, Coach.

Weighed Down

Sometimes life seems so heavy.  Things start to weigh us down.  We can feel suffocated by the number of things we are trying to process, take care of, and deal with.  We can feel overwhelmed with the heaviness of walking through yet another trial, when we'd rather find a detour.

We stay busy here at the troops, considering we only have two kids living at home during the school year.  Even though the other kids aren't here every day, they're still part of our lives and on our hearts.  We're still trying to help, encourage, support - in whatever way we can!  On one end, that looks like providing child care for our daughter who is a nurse... on the other end, it's a phone conversation with our kids in SC once every couple of weeks.  The other kids fall somewhere in the middle.

In spite of what I envisioned, being older hasn't made life easier.  We still stress over finances and disagree on priorities.  We still schedule too many appointments and try to fit in too many things each week.  Work is still stressful for the Coach and I still haven't cleaned the grout in the bathroom tile (will I ever?).

There's never enough time or money... there's always more on the list than we could possibly accomplish.  Things continue to break and need fixing.  People continue to be difficult.  Relationships falter, hearts get broken.  We feel excluded, left out, slandered.  We're getting older, our stuff is wearing out, and no amount of healthy lifestyle is going to keep us from aging.  Some days we are eating whole foods and getting enough sleep and others... not so much. Nothing makes me feel quite as old as chasing a toddler around, again.  

It's easy to get discouraged when we look at our world...our hearts...our families.  Everything broken in so many ways and no hope of being whole this side of heaven.

But on Sunday we celebrated the resurrection of our Savior - and He has conquered sin and death once and for all.  We may live between the already and the not yet (as Paul Tripp says), but we know the end of the story.  Jesus has already been victorious over the death and decay we feel every single day on this earth (says my hip that's been giving me fits this round of 1/2 marathon training). But we can have HOPE in the coming redemption.  

Without Jesus, the heaviness of this life would be unbearable.  But we can persevere in the strength of the Lord today - because we have bright hope for tomorrow.  He will make all things new, right every wrong, redeem what has been lost.  God is in the business of GIVING life and REDEEMING life and making things NEW.  And that's exactly what my heart needs, today.  Praise be to God.

A Thousand Lifetimes

I'm watching that green haze start to come over our trees.  Things starting to bloom and come to life.  The Coach's yard is beautiful as always.  This year the back is a project zone, but the front is still so lovely.

The seasons of life overlap - with the one before and the one that follows. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall.  But also seasons of young and old, raising kids, changes in vocation.  Some of the seasons are sweet.  Some of them bitter.  Some painful and some filled with joy.  I keep hearing myself say what a SWEET season we are in right now.  It's not without challenges (as the 17 of us try to understand and love each other), but it's full of moments that fill my heart.

Some seasons feel like a lifetime ago.

I spent a lifetime pregnant - or it sure felt like it!  9 pregnancies in 11 years.  When I see pictures of those days, it feels like an out of body experience.  Ha!

I spent another lifetime nursing babies.  Sleep training.  Changing diapers.  Potty Training.  Some of those babies were easy going and some weren't.  Some slept well and some didn't (and still don't).  In spite of them all having the same parents, each one was SO unique and their own little person. 

I spent a lifetime at elementary programs and elementary basketball games.  IYKYK.  That's all.  OK... I miss the programs, they were precious.  Maybe a future season will have me back there with grand babies, Lord willing.

I've spent another lifetime at sporting events. Our troops who started out as football, volleyball and basketball players managed to pick up track, tennis, soccer and cross-country, along the way.  So thoughtful of them, don't you think?  And don't you dare suggest to the remaining high schooler that he should try out baseball or golf.  Thank you.  My hindquarters have spent many a season on bleachers.  For the most part, it's a been a blessing.

I spent a lifetime with toddlers and babies on my ankles trying to fix dinner and help with homework, desperate for the Coach to walk in the door.  That pre-dinner hour is rough with babies.  I know if you're there right now, you get it.

I've spent a lifetime with moody teens.  Or has it been thousands of lifetimes?  Some days have felt like years.  Jury is still out on the final outcome, but most days I'm betting on the Coach and me.  And when they get to the other side of that season, they sure are great humans.

I spent a lifetime in the oncology clinic and hospital floor.  Entire lifetimes over and over watching my boy battle cancer.  More than a lifetime of heart break and crying out to God.  And here, six years later, I couldn't be more grateful to have been the one God allowed to watch him win that battle. What a gift.

But in spite of all of the lifetimes we've lived?

I'm going to spend the rest of my life soaking in those grand baby snuggles.  A lifetime reading "Seven Silly Eaters" and swinging on the porch and Face timing the aunts.  I'm going to spend what life I have left loving my people and watching them laugh and taking in the JOY of seeing them in their own lives, loving Jesus and others, serving so well, living lifetimes of their own and getting to have a front row seat.

I want to enjoy another lifetime of birthday family dinners and printed out pictures of gifts I didn't order in time.  Homemade meatballs and sheet cake and the candles I always forget to buy.  Mema's birthday banner and Grandmother's birthday balloons and home movies from when we had to use an actual video camera.  A lifetime of "bumping up and down in my little red dragon."

I hope for at least another lifetime to share every day with my Coach.  Pouring out our thoughts while we run, watching a show while holding hands on the couch, making each other laugh, arguing debating over theology (I'm difficult like that), going on coffee dates, being partners in every part of life.  Outside of Jesus, He has been life's greatest gift to me.  

Whatever lifetimes I have left, I want to spend them thanking God for His goodness and praising Him for His faithfulness.  A lifetime singing of the goodness of God.  It will never be enough.

So Many Things

On Friday, the Coach and I worshipped with friends as they celebrated the life of their son who passed away after suffering from a traumatic brain injury for four and a half years.  We had prayed for his healing here on earth - he's now fully restored and healed and in the presence of Jesus.  A young life worth celebrating - and a faithful God worth worshipping.

I can't imagine the heart ache of losing a child.  I've watched way too many people that I love walk that road.  The holidays are especially painful.  Not that you can rate the daily pain in any real way.  It's all horrible and unbearable.  

Others I love have experienced estrangement and relational separation from their child.  I can't imagine that pain, either.  We've watched God restore in some of those lives.  Others remain unresolved.  I understand more every day what a sweet friend said to me when our son was so sick.  "At least it's just physical."  At the time, that confused me.  Our pain was so raw.  But I know what she meant.  We had our relationship with him and we all had our relationships with the Lord.  Broken relationships can be some of the most painful things we experience in this life.

I don't understand so many things.  We have our boy.  I'm thankful every day.  When I watch him with his precious little family and that darling baby - I am fully aware of the fact that it's a gift.  An unexpected and undeserved gift from God.  He's here with us and we've had the joy of watching him grow, marry, become a father... I don't take it for granted.  It's an unspeakable gift.

That doesn't take away from the pain that so many others are experiencing without their children this Christmas.  I wake in the night and early in the morning - and I pray for them.  I don't understand.  But I trust that God meets them in their suffering. 

I will never say that there's a reason for it all.  The only reason I see is that this world is broken. Sin brought death into this world - and we see it all around us.  Accidents, cancer, illness... it's all an effect of sin being in this world.  We can't avoid death - even though we can sometimes postpone it for a later date.  Sin brought death and death is waiting for all of us.

Every single day - but especially in the Christmas season - I'm reminded both of the blessing of healthy kids and the suffering of the precious people I love who have children in heaven - that GOD BECAME MAN and dwelt among us.  

The suffering doesn't make sense to me.  So many things don't.  Never will.

But I have hope.  Jesus, the incarnation of God, came to our broken world and died on our behalf so that we can experience LIFE.  Eternal life, absolutely.  But also life here and now.  We can walk in the midst of heart ache and suffering and death - and still have hope.  That's such a miracle to me.

So many have asked us how we walked that road with our son - a dismal diagnosis and the treatment that followed for three and a half years.  So many hospital stays and ER visits and more pain and tears than I can count.  I don't really know, honestly. We believed that God was in control and we trusted Him, whatever the outcome.  Which I realize is so easy to say on THIS side of it all.  When we still have our boy with us.  So many don't.  I feel that every single day.

So many things I don't understand.  But a God who loves us.  He gave HIS son for all of us.  In some tiny human way?  I get that.  I get watching your child suffer.  I understand the hopelessness of it all.  But I'm so very thankful that I can see the ending.  The redemption.  The HOPE.  The life.

If you are suffering this Christmas season, I'm praying for you.  I don't understand so many things.  But GOD offers us His Son, His presence, His HOPE.  Take hold of that and don't let go.  

Merry Christmas.

Happy 28th, Coach!

The Coach and I celebrate 28 years, today.  After a whirlwind courtship and an 8 week engagement, on a beautiful sunny December Saturday, the Coach and I became husband and wife.  We really didn't know each other, but we knew the important things.  I knew he loved God and wanted to obey whatever calling God placed on his life.  He's been faithful to that every day since.  And I still laugh thinking about when Elisabeth Elliot Gren asked me (when discussing our courtship), "But are you attracted to him?"  Haha!  Yes.  That, too.  

We're not perfect, our marriage isn't perfect, but we've learned a lot in 28 years.  I enjoy every moment with him.  We love to work side by side, and both of us feel like things haven't really happened until with share them with each other.  The Coach has grown into the most thoughtful, kind partner.  His determination to do right is still there, but it's become tempered with an abundance of grace. I'm so thankful, because I've needed a lot of grace!

If I could say one thing about how I've grown as a wife - from my perspective, not his - I would say I've learned to communicate my expectations more clearly.  And I think I've learned to give HIM a lot more grace.

When we had so many little ones and he was coaching two sports - I was often upset when he had to work late or be gone every evening.  It was hard!  All of these years later, I realize his heart is to do the best he can at whatever God has given him to do.  Coaching, teaching, leading... and he's learned to direct that desire to be the best he can be to our marriage and to our parenting, as well.  I couldn't be more thankful for the husband and father he is.  He never quits working to learn and grow and invest in all of us.

And without babies hanging on my legs at 6 pm every evening?  It's certainly easier to be happy when he walks in the door - no matter what time that is.  Every day together is a gift.

One year ago today, we were in Florida on an anniversary trip together - such a sweet few days in the sun.  This year we're home with a houseful and planning for an even fuller house next week.  I'm so grateful for all of it.  The special days and the every day ones.  The trips and the mornings at home.  I would love to have another 28 years of it all.  

We've had some rough years in the last 28.  But I'm thankful for this especially sweet season - with grown kids and the grand babies that bring SO much joy.  My Coach is such a handsome Pops.  Ha!

And for now?  I'm going to refill my coffee and tell the Coach, once again, how thankful I am for this life we share.  Such a sweet gift from God.

Merry Chirstmas!

Every Day a Gift

When you've faced your own mortality (or your child's), it changes your perspective on life.  Like a LOT.  I remember in the darkest of the dark days, thinking, "OK.  Today is a gift and we're going to find the JOY."  And for the most part?  I think we did.

I wish those kinds of lessons continued to "stick" as time passes.  But I'm forgetful.  And if I'm not careful, I'm so soon back to feeling less than gift-like about my day to day life.

Truly we aren't promised tomorrow.  Psalm 39 says “O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!  Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you.  Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!"

Even though today IS a gift, I may still have to drag myself out of bed regardless of whether or not I slept well.

Even though today IS a gift, the clothes and dishes and houses will still get dirty and must be cleaned.

Even though today IS a gift, everyone will still wants to eat 3 meals a day.

Maybe it's less about living every day in a picture perfect Hallmark movie (and I'm a big fan - ha!) and more about finding the GIFT in the messy reality.  Is it truly possible to live above your circumstances?  I believe it is.  My execution of that is somehwat elusive.  Can I be joyful when I don't feel well?  Can I be faithful when someone is disloyal?  Can I forgive when behavior doesn't change?  Can I love when I'm not loved in return?

I'm grateful that later on in Psalm 39, we read, "And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?  My hope is in you."

Because even though I'm less than a "gift" to my family most days, I can still find hope.  God doesn't redeem us and leave us to ourselves.  He continues to work and move and refine and grow us.  

So if today feels like less than a gift at your house?  Trust that God still has a purpose and a plan for THIS DAY.  He can be honored and glorified in your life no matter what this day holds.  Even in the tired messes and the messy relationships.

I'm so thankful for hope.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

In just a couple of weeks, the troops will assemble again - to celebrate Christmas.  I can't wait.  When Son #4 got married this Summer, the only time all of us were together was at the actual wedding.  I may not like it, but that is reality with a big family - there are jobs and kids and obligations that keep us from being together as often as we'd like.

And since that last Summer wedding, we've welcomed another grandson into the troops.  Our original 10 now number 16.  How awesome is that?

I can't wait to hug all of their necks - and my favorite things of all?  To watch them all together, laughing, talking, giving each other a hard time (always).  Playing with the babies and doing puzzles and eating cinnamon rolls.  It's truly the best gift I could every receive.

But the best thing of all?  Is that when they all leave and go back to their own homes - I'll miss them terribly - but I'll still be sitting here beside my Coach, thankful every day to be his wife, enjoying life with him, even though we're old and crazy tired.

Each time this song plays in my Christmas playlist, it reminds me.  So. Very. Blessed.  I truly do have all I want for Christmas.  

So yes, things keep changing here at the troops.  The day to day is quieter.  The times we're all together are even crazier.  But at the end of the day, we're about to celebrate 28 years together - and it just keeps getting sweeter.

I miss it.

Reading a post on Instagram today, I was reminded of how I used to crawl into bed at night and ask the Coach, "We'll make it, right?"  The first year our son was fighting cancer, I quit asking.  It became harder to ask and the answer might not have been what I wanted to hear.  

But I'm still thinking it.  So often, I'm thinking it.  I want security and safety and I want things to stay enough the same that they feel comfortable to me.

How unfortunate for me that life isn't like that AT ALL.  Ha!  Not much about life (especially with 16 of us, now) is secure.  It's definitely not safe!  If I wanted safety, I shouldn't have married or had eight kids to begin with.  And honestly?  No one is promised any of those things.  They say the only things we can be sure of are death and taxes.  But there's one more thing you're guaranteed in this life... change.

I went down a rabbit trail reading old posts.  I miss writing here.  I miss the funny things the kids did that prompted the writings.  The days at home with little ones who needed me.  The laundry (well, we still seem to keep the baskets bizarrely full with just four of us), the endless meals and school projects and basketball games and dishes.  For the first time since roughly 2004?  We don't have a basketball player in the house.  Sad.

I miss it all because it meant my people were all here.  My people.  In their noisy, messy chaos.  And I loved it.  And in spite of my many failings?  I was good at managing it all.  I didn't see that THEN, of course.  It felt wildly out of control.  But it was relatively... well... amazing.  And I thrived there.  

This season has it wonder and delights, as well.  No doubt about it!   Being Marmee is the joy of my life, currently.  I adore those babies and I'm so blessed to have flexibility to be a part of their sweet little lives.  God gives the best gifts.  

But for the most part, it's quiet here, now.  I look back, read those posts and think how I loved those days being their momma.  I've loved watching them grow up, too.  I've loved watching them one by one as they've found their person and started lives on their own.  It's beautiful.  

But it's a lot of change.  And it's happened so fast.

I guess that's what I'm thinking tonight.  In the end?  We've made it.  Not that we don't have lots of life left (those grandsons are the best!), but we've survived the parenting season, for the most part.  The two who are left might be pushing us to the limits?  But we're old and seasoned and it takes a lot to rattle us at this point.  My money is on the Coach and me.  We'll make it.  

If I could have understood - in those days when all of the kids had the flu at once - how fast it would go?  If I could have seen that it was just a breath - and I'd look back years later - and miss it?  That I would be laughing at some of the things that were making me cry, at the time?

Probably wouldn't have made it any easier, honestly.  

But from this end?  I'm so thankful.  So so thankful.  For all of it.  What sweet days and what sweet memories. Even the hard ones.

No matter where you are in YOUR journey?  Home with little ones or sitting in the quiet empty nest?  You'll make it, too.  God is good and God is faithful.  You can trust Him.