So it's been awhile since I've posted about my Weight Watchers journey. I've been at this for EIGHT weeks! It's gone so fast! Some days I feel like I've been doing this forever, others it seems like just yesterday I ate a pan of brownies by myself. Oh wait. Maybe that WAS yesterday.
But in all seriousness, I'm learning a lot. About reality. About food. About how I feel now that I'm thinner. How I DON'T feel (odd, I know).
For instance: Reality. We LOVE those Mega Thins tortilla chips. Love them. And one night last week, since I had quite a few points left in the day, I thought I'd have a few with my Chicken Tortilla soup. I had the points, right? Well, once I plugged in the calorie/fat/fiber info into my points calculator, I realized that I could only eat eight chips for THREE points. Gag. And I wonder why I wasn't losing weight while eating half of the bag in one sitting. (sigh) They didn't taste quite as good after that. This has happened with other foods more times that I would care to count.
I'm learning a lot about what IS worth it. Starbucks, for instance. I LOVE to go to Starbucks with the Coach. It feels indulgent and luxurious and totally frivolous to BUY flavored coffee. Now we don't do it often, but we DO go and those points are totally worth it. I just make sure I have enough points left during the day so I can really enjoy it when we go. And I have changed what I order. Three or four points can always be "fit" in, but eight? Or ten? For a drink? You get the idea.
I feel like I have a new understanding of the fact that I can't just eat everything I want whenever I want however much I want. It's reality whether I've accepted it in the past, or not. Submitting to the cause and effect of my diet is oddly freeing. If I want to be a healthy weight, I have to accept the reality that what I eat DOES matter. I've always known all of this, of course. I've just failed to apply it. At least on a consistent basis.
And I'm learning a lot about myself. I don't like the attention that I get from looking differently. Well. . . I like the attention from the Coach! (smile) But I'd much rather stay in the background, otherwise, and it feels very awkward to have others notice that I look different. This, of course, if my own fault. If I hadn't broadcasted HERE that I was trying to lose weight, I'm sure no one WOULD notice. Ha! Didn't think about that until it was too late, though.
Never expected it, but I feel oddly insecure, too. My clothes are all too big. I'm not ready to buy more. Yet. And when I am ready, I'm not sure what to buy (besides the standard good pair of jeans and some black pants). My budget won't allow a total wardrobe makeover. Yet I have very few things that fit. Another dilemma I didn't plan on. My kids think they should call "What not to wear." Ouch.
I did walk into a store while running some errands last week. And honestly? It was intimidating. I'm not complaining. I'm really not. I don't want to go back. But looking through clothes I realized I have a "standard" that I always look for. Things that feel "safe" for me after years of pre-baby and post-baby and post-miscarriage and post-stress weight. The ups and downs have made me very self-conscious and the thought of trying to shop for and find new things makes me want to go eat a package of Oreos. Still have some work to do there, I guess!
But all in all, I feel great. I don't mind the baggy clothes (except that my workout pants wouldn't stay up while I was running the Coach this morning and how embarrassing is that?). I still have one pair of jeans that fit (even if they are really old). Tops still work just fine - well, except for the baggy t-shirts that fill 2/3 of my closet, but I do have a few cute tops that I've purchased more recently.
If I had the TIME, I would clean out the bigger things that I can't wear anymore. That would feel GOOD. I think. Then again, I guess I worry that I won't be able to maintain this (if I could maintain, I wouldn't be losing this Little Man baby weight for the third time). But when I started, I committed for the long haul. Good weeks and bad weeks. Ups and downs. If I quit, I'll never find victory over this weight issue and I'm SO done with being fat. SO done with it.
In spite of the need to keep learning and growing and adjusting (which is just part of life in general, is it not?), I'm thrilled that I'm no longer regretting the fact that I should "do something" about losing weight. I'm doing it. Most people celebrate when they reach their goal weight. Not me. I'm going to celebrate when I get my "lifetime"! Being able to maintain a healthy weight is my goal this time. And now that I'm almost done with the losing part, the hard part is just beginning.
Thank you for all of your sweet encouragement! I'm ever so grateful for your prayers. I really don't regret laying it all out here and being real. I hope it's been encouraging at some level for someone. I highly recommend Weight Watchers for those of you who need some help with losing weight. But you know what? I love you just the way you are. Inside you are YOU. The outside is just the package. I'm still the exact same person, personality, strengths, and weaknesses that I was here. Even though since that amazingly wonderful day I've lost 27 pounds (19 of it in the last 8 weeks). Still me. Even if looking at those pictures made me cry. I was so happy. And yet so disappointed in myself for not losing even ONE pound through all of those months of training.
But I'm not there, anymore. Now I'm out running with my girl and my Coach. Learning to navigate cooking for a big family. Figuring out ways to indulge that I enjoy and can fit in my plan. Making the most of the TIME and not just he FOOD of life. It's all good.
It may take some time to adjust to my "new" size. But I will. The Coach will, too. Although I hope he doesn't ever quit looking at me like he has been, lately. I like it. A lot.